I met a great guy but I think he still loves someone else?

[natasha72]

Last year I started dating a man who is great in so many ways. He is 48 and divorced and I am also single after a long relationship. He split from his wife about 5 years before we met. We both agreed not to rake over past relationships but to focus on the present instead and things were really good between us.

He is very involved with a left wing political group here in the UK and over the time we have been dating I have met many of his friends from this group at meeting and socials. A few months ago an old member showed up again a 32 year old woman who is very, very beautiful. They obviously knew each other well and he got quite emotional as he greeted her. I caught a vibe between them right away but dismissed it me being paranoid and feeling a bit old next to her.

However the feeling didn't go away and noticed it several times him looking at her or them sharing an obviously private joke and again on subsequent meetings. I tried to keep ignoring it but eventually I asked him what the hell was going on between them. To be fair did tell me everything right away that before meeting me they had been together on and off for nearly 4 years. That he had loved her very much but that the age gap had been problematic for them, she was and is still young from a different generation and he wanted stability, someone to come home to while she thought nothing of taking off to travel or do a post grad abroad which is how they left things just before he met me. They never properly split up as far as I can tell.

He promises me that it is over between them and that they are just friends now but it is painfully obvious to me that he still has very deep feelings for her. Perhaps he really means that it is over or at least wants to mean it but I can’t help but feeling that he’d go back to her in a heartbeat if she gave him the wave. Since she has been on the scene I feel insecure and second best. I really, really like him a lot, thought he was a man I could have a future with but I’m scared to put my trust in him. Sometimes I just wish she would fall off the face of the planet.
Should I just ignore these feelings; can I ask him to sever all contact with her, perhaps if she wasn’t so much younger and so beautiful I wouldn’t feel this so much but I do.

[natasha72]

I am 44 sorry should have said.

[HappenstanceMarmite]

Oh dear. This had heartache (for you) written all over it. Walk away.

[natasha72]

Hi Thanks for your reply, wasn't sure if anyone was still up!

She left last year to do a post grad course in prague and thats her back now, they have always been a bit on and off from what he has told me. I get the impression that he tended to be quite possesive of her so she would take off at times to travel or in this last case to study and that when she came back they would get back together.

They are both members of the same left wing group and are both quite heavily involved in it he goes to a lot of meetings and most of his friends are in the same group. She is friends with all them too so now she is back in london he is seeing her a lot, not alone but at meetings and so on.

He is a decent guy but yes his emotions do seem to get the better of him when she is around. I feel like I am the sensible option the one he wishes he wanted but I think she is the one his heart wants.

[natasha72]

Happenstance Marmite, perhaps you are right, I can totally see the danger and it isn't even really anyones fault its just a bad situation. But then I really don't want to give him up, he's the the best guy I've met and it took me a long time to find him. I don't want to thow that away if I don't have to.

[groovergirl]

Natasha, I think you need to trust your gut feeling about this.

It is very sad, and as you say, it is no one's fault. He probably does not want to feel the way he does ... But he does. And the heart wants what it wants.

I wish I had some advice to give on how to make him fall properly in love with you and forget her. Maybe it's time to take a break from him, and give him a chance to miss you.

[natasha72]

Thanks vocational goat, I think you are very perceptive. I feel like consciously, in his head he wants to move on and that he does feel that it can't work out long term for them but they still as you say have chemisty and unfinished business and if I am being fair to him I don't think its easy for him to ignore his feelings for her.

I find her much harder to read, she is nice actually but I can't be rational about her at all.

[natasha72]

groovergirl, cooling things off with him is probably a good idea, it I felt objective enough to play it cool and try and give him some perspective on what he has with me. I'm just scared if I loosen my grip on him he run straight to her.

I just need some more time to think it over myself, and to talk to him about it.

[natasha72]

Thanks VocationalGoat, I will.
Keep you finger crossed for me!

[groovergirl]

He probably will run to her, or try to. But he might not get a hearty welcome. From what you've said, it seems like she is nowhere near as keen on him as he is on her. Scooting off to a distant country for a year? Sounds like the relationship was, for her, simply a cheerful fling.

Infatuation is a hard thing to beat. It's like the endocrine system seizes control of the rest of the person and gives them OCD hell. Have to let it run its course.

Any chance you could give yourself a change of scene for a while?

[natasha72]

groovegirl, I could back off myself a bit, we aren't living together or anything just yet although previously we did speak about it. But I can't leave London or anything. I have no idea how she really feels, she obviously cares about him but I couldn't say if she would take him back. She isn't from london (she's scottish) and I think he has always been her main support down here so I think that she has some kind of dependency on him.

Perhaps it is just infatuation but if it hasn't run its course in 4 years when will it?

[groovergirl]

After four years it probably isn't infatuation any more but a mixture of nostalgia and, yes, chemistry.

I dunno, Natasha. It's a tough one. I've been on both sides of this kind of situation, as the person enduring unrequited love as well as being the object of it. Love is like the food chain -- you go after someone, who goes after someone else, who goes after someone else .... No wonder it takes so many of us so bloody long to find mutual adoration

I wish I could suggest a quick cure, but the only thing that has helped me is keeping my distance from the love object and deliberately distracting myself with lots of activity to help weaken and eventually break those neural pathways. It does work, but it takes time.

However, fingers crossed that this does work out well for you and that he misses you more than he ever missed her.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I too like groover's foodchain analogy; poignant and true.

I feel very sorry for you, Natasha, it's not a nice situation to be in. The thing is, this other lady was young at the time and they didn't make it because of that, not because he didn't want to. He still wants to - and she is now older and may want different things to when she was dating him, maybe she now wants what he wants?

If that is the case then it's a perfect storm and it won't be a question of you giving him up or having the choice to... he isn't yours to keep or give away.

If it were me in this situation, I'd like to think that I'd say to him, "I really like you, but I'm not going to play second fiddle. There's a small window here where I'll keep trying to see the good points in our relationship and want to keep it... just bear in mind it's a VERY small window and by making me feel this way, you're risking losing me completely.".

Very sad for you and I hope you get the outcome you want.

[natasha72]

The food chain analogy is very apt, and at 44 I feel very much at the bottom of the food chain dating wise.

Lyingwitch I fear you are right that he still wants her very much, and always did he just didn't realize that she would ever be available to him again.

I'm seeing him tonight so will see if I can steel myself to speak to him about this but I also want to pick my time well.

I wish I could just magic her away.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

How long has this woman been away, Natasha? I mean, they dated and then she left... when did she leave?

She left to study, that's a valid reason to go. And now she's back. Does she have family/friends here?

Did you partner date much when she left? It sounds like he didn't - or nothing serious.

I know you wish it, what would be better is that he chooses you, not because you make him but because he wants to.

[oldlaundbooth]

It sounds to me like she has come back from Prague, she's 32, ready to settle down and has her sights set on him.

She's attending all these meetings, getting herself back in his life.

She might not have been ready when she was 28, but she certainly wants to be in his life now.

I'd take a back seat OP, from what you have said if she clicked her fingers he'd come running.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

It is a tough one. I agree that it is not a good thing to feel second best and you have been putting up with it for a few months already. It is disrespectful and well, can I say rather shallow?

I agree with talking to him about it as he can not read your mind and probably has not paused for a single moment to consider your perspective (a bit of a red flag in itself). It is a kind "heads up". But you have already talked to him. He said he did love her, but did he say that now he doesn't? It seems like that would have been mentioned in your conversation. Did his behavior change towards her post conversation?

From your post, I understand that you are not a part of the political group. If he gives a sincere response to be your partner- no doubts and exclusive, but then begins a policy of not including you (never mind how petty the reasons) in the political get togethers: that would be a red flag. So one would need to keep an eye out for his behavior changes. And this really isn't good territory for a relationship...you would essentially be monitoring his behavior...indefinitely?

Do you get the feeling that perhaps you were/are the 'good enough for now' relationship until Wonder Girl returned?

Cooling it off is the right thing, imho, for you and your self respect.
Also what LyingWitch said-perfect storm.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

I meant shallow of him, not you, Natasha.

No, 44 is a great age! You did everything right. Keep on keeping on with your fabulous life-dating/men are optional, not essential.

[bjrce]

HI OP.

Did he actually ever mention her before you met her?

It sounds from your posts he didn't,.
The thing is, it sounds like they are both on the whole wavelength of:
"If only, we meet at different stages in our lives, it would all be so different!"
Romantic, nostalgic type type of way and the fact that she is so much younger than him and "so beautiful", he is all caught up in this dream world.

It also sounds like she enjoys the whole " younger, unattainable" persona she portrays to him!
From their history it sounds all, Mills & Boon.

I would hazard a guess, if you two split up, he will go back to her, but their old problems won't go away.
Even, if he seems to think , age was their only issue. I could be really wrong here, but that in time, his age might just be too big an issue for her.

Don't go wasting too much time on this dreamer.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I think the age gap is no issue at all, it's really not that great. They have much in common and, it's his perception that matters here, not OP's unfortunately. There is an elephant in the room here - commitment, children, coupledom... none of which has OP said this man has reassured her about.

For me, the deciding point would be that the two of them - OP's partner and this woman have so much in common, so much history and so much chemistry that there is no way that they will sever ties. Anything less would not work for Natasha as they will always have a bond and a togetherness that she can never be part of.

Even if he did decide to end things properly with this woman, he might hanker after her always and that is a horrible premise for a relationship, always being the 'Also Ran'. Natasha deserves somebody who can and will commit to her fully.

I also winced at the term used "If she (OP) relaxed her grip on him"... that is very, very unhealthy. This man is not a possession and he doesn't consider himself to be the property of OP. If he were fully committed to her then this woman would have received a polite, cordial greeting - and a formal and inclusive introduction to OP. None of this happened. I think OP's relationship with this man is going nowhere and I hope she will bail out sooner rather than later when this man says, "It's not you, it's me", that would be awful.