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Finally leaving ea h - scared.

(136 Posts)
ColaSpangles Sun 03-Apr-16 23:39:23

I have been with him years and have two dcs. He has threatened, abused, ridiculed and been mentally, sexually and sometimes physically abusive. He has the kids on egg shells much of the time. But I've stayed with him from just not knowing how to leave, from doubting myself because of his gas lighting manipulation and because I was scared of him physically. I'm not now but feel very useless and vulnerable in face of his blitz of ranting and accusing methods. It's really hard to stand up against what feels like an angry bulldozer. So I'm leaving on the quiet because telling him in advance would mean WW3. Am I doing the right thing? I know I am but need reassuring I am IYSWIM. Thanks for any wise words.

Costacoffeeplease Sun 03-Apr-16 23:40:54

Yes you're doing the right thing, well done for taking that first step, your lives will be so much better

Marchate Sun 03-Apr-16 23:42:59

Yes, leave on the quiet. It's not safe for you to tell him. Make sure you have birth/marriage certificates, passports, bank statements etc somewhere safe before you leave

SheHasAWildHeart Sun 03-Apr-16 23:43:31

What's your plan? Do you have somewhere to stay? Have you got emotional support from friends and family?

scallopsrgreat Sun 03-Apr-16 23:45:24

Have you got help to leave him Cola? If not Women's Aid or Refuge may be able to help. Leaving on the quiet is a good thing. Don't let him know what you are doing. But I'd get help to do it.

And you are absolutely doing the right thing flowers.

ohforfoxsake Sun 03-Apr-16 23:47:50

You won't regret it. It's like breathing clean air again. Good luck and stay strong.

Of course you're doing the right thing. Your children will thank you for it.

Have you sorted out logistics?

ColaSpangles Mon 04-Apr-16 00:02:43

Thanks so much for wise words, everyone. I have temp accom sorted and have moved clothes food papers and stuff there quietly in advance. I have good family support though only dm most the time as my close ds lives in the US and doesn't get over much. But she's a strong support by phone etc. I've had advice from WA and police but somehow never quite feel I'm doing right because of the constant onslaught from h that I'm to blame and am evil for breaking up family. It's not going to stop me but I guess I'm in need of reassurance that I am doing right for me and dcs because he wears me down to the point I have no confidence in my own direction. I desperately want and need to stay firm in my resolve.

ohforfoxsake Mon 04-Apr-16 06:46:28

Once you have some distance you will be able to see things clearly. It helps enormously to build your resolve.

I had no idea XH was gaslighting me as much as he did. It became very clear very quickly. It was his infidelity, his EA that broke us. To this day he has never apologised or taken ownership of what he has done in any way. It took just a year from ending the marriage to divorce. If I hadn't of ended it when I did I would have lost myself completely. I'm back to being me, with a lovely new bf and I am constantly surprised by how normal relationships work.

WellErrr Mon 04-Apr-16 06:49:07

Sounds like you are absolutely doing the right thing.

I bet you'll find that once you're out, you will never doubt your decision - only regret not doing it sooner.

Stay strong flowers

NorksAreMessy Mon 04-Apr-16 06:52:18


Now THIS is what real strength looks like.
Good luck, and we are with you all the way.

CrikeyPeg Mon 04-Apr-16 07:11:59

Yes, you are doing this the right way. Be careful, stay strong, stay safe! Frowned up on in here for some reason but whatever, hugs and strength Cola

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Apr-16 09:16:03

You are absolutely doing the right thing.
You are showing your DC that this is NOT how life has to be and that no-one should put up with it.
Well done.
Get that exit plan absolutely full proof and get out and be happy.
Good luck!

CrikeyPeg Mon 04-Apr-16 09:26:18

Cola, I meant that hugs are frowned upon in here, not the way you are doing things smile

Resilience16 Mon 04-Apr-16 11:03:26

You are doing the right thing. You deserve better,as do your kids. Good luck x

ColaSpangles Mon 04-Apr-16 12:40:02

Thanks so much for your supportive messages, they mean so much and are such a help. I am plunging into the unknown today. See you on the other side!

balia Mon 04-Apr-16 12:43:53

Good luck, safe journey.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Apr-16 12:48:47

That journey might seem long but it will be sooo worth it.
Keep strong and good luck.
Here's to your future happiness without abusive pricks in it!

kittybiscuits Mon 04-Apr-16 12:50:10

Best of luck. It's the right thing. You and your DCs will flourish x

ohforfoxsake Mon 04-Apr-16 14:04:02

Be brave OP. For once the grass is actually greener on this side.

Best of luck!

amarmai Mon 04-Apr-16 14:13:09

you are doing the right thing for your dcc and yourself.telling no one and hiding your mn usage is also a good idea. Act braver than you really feel and do not go backwards.

buzzpop Mon 04-Apr-16 14:30:04

Good luck, stay strong thanks

dodobedoop Mon 04-Apr-16 14:46:55

Good luck cola.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. When I was planning to leave STBXH, the mantra that kept me going was that we would all be happier.

It sounds as though you have planned so much already. Have you moved/scanned your photos?

ColaSpangles Mon 04-Apr-16 21:13:15

Am out. But constant bull dozing texts and calls and when I tried to ignore he called my dc :-(

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