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Relationship advice really wanted - constant arguing.(18 Posts)
This is the first time I have ever done anything like this but I'm at a loss as to what to do.
A bit of info:
I have been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years, we're both in our early 20s, this is my first real relationship, she has had 1 or 2 previous to me. We both live seperately with our parents.
We have been arguing a lot over the past year and I'm getting to the point where I'm just fed up and need it to stop... It's mainly over very miniscule pointless things like if I say something without any intention of it being bad at all and she'll take it bad and then all hell breaks loose and goes into a silence even though I explain what i mean and then the day is basically ruined (thats just one example). But these arguments happen nearly everyday.......
Through getting to know eachother we told eachother what actors / actress' we thought were attractive, I'm very laid back and couldn't care less who she liked as I know she wouldn't do anything and its completely fine in my eyes to have a celeb crush. Whereas if we're watching something and the celeb I have said is in it, whatever the movie / franchise then she'll ask everytime, "I bet you still fancy her", things like that and then she makes me promise that I don't anymore which she says is a joke but I took it quite bad because we have fought countless times because she is so insecure and I think she needs to be told and assured that I'm not going to leave or cheat. I'm very commited and would never even consider cheating but its really annoying me personally having to things like promise I won't leave, or if i don't hug her or kiss her enough she questions if i still love her, it feels a little selfish on my side as I'm writing this but its irritating. I tell her everyday that I love her and she's beautiful.
There is no way i can bring any of this up with her as it immediately drives her to tears and I'm left feeling guilty and end up apologising. Sometimes when we argue I just apologise to make everything normal again and thats whats making me annoyed. She is also very clingy, her views are that she needs to spend every living minute with me, for me that is too much and too intense. This is my first relationship and I am very used to doing my own things and I still want to do stuff that I like to do like tinker on my cars and see my friends but I feel i need to give up those things to make sure I am there with her every single minute we are not working or sleeping and I think that we need to at least not see eachother for at least 1 day a week to do our own thing but when brought up it leads to her thinking I don't want to see her or that I need a break as she is getting on my nerves... When it isn't I just want to do my own thing sometimes but give in otherwise it'll end in an argument.
I love this girl and would do anything for her, we have the next 10 years of our lives roughly planned etc, marriage, kids, house, etc. But that picture is slowly disappearing for me as I am getting so sick and tired of squabbling and I'm starting to feel quite trapped as I can't express my thoughts and feelings as it ends in tears so i keep it to myself which i know is unhealthy but I have no other choice which is why I am here.
She is a girl that is so attached to me that I am basically her entire life (I don't say that in a bigheaded way at all. She freely admits it) but its far too intense for me, I like to share my life with her but also keep a part of my life seperate that is just for me but she isn't like that. Again, I can't say anything in fear of an argument unfortunately.
I don't know what you guys think but I really want help as I am starting to feel that the spark for me is dying out for me and I need a way (if any) to hopefully fix this and turn it around if its possible but I'm feeling at a loss. Apologies for the essay, there are other things I can bring up but won't.
To sum up I need a way her to stop being so negative and worried about me leaving her and to actually chill out and have fun... I'm at my wits end.
All suggestions and help is hugely appreciated!
Can you really see yourself married and happy with this person?
Call it a day. You're still very young, and because this is your first relationship you think this how it's supposed to be. It isn't. Nor can you fix it. Your girlfriend reminds me of an ex, who would set me a loyalty test on a twice daily basis. Sunday morning to Wednesday evening IIRC, which is when I wished her a nice life and left her in the pub.
You need to tell her everything you've told us and have an adult conversation about your relationship and the problems you have with it. If you cannot communicate you cannot fix it.
From what you've written, her feelings that you might leave seem reasonable. You say the relationship is too intense for you, you're at your wits end, and the spark has gone. To me this says you have considered leaving. She probably isn't oblivious to this. If you aren't saying it explicitly to her I assume you are showing signs of irritation occasionally. She can sense this negativity and it probably perpetuates her anxiety that you will leave, so she tries to make you stay. She doesn't know that this behaviour is the exact thing which is making you want to leave because you haven't told her. Sounds like a vicious cycle that needs addressing with communication.
Thank you for your advice everyone, i really want it to work but i think its her 'character' thats quite anxious and negative at a lot of things which is where we differ as I am very laid back and don't let things bother me at all as i detest being stressed which is where we differ in personality and traits.
Its funny, I've helped friends in difficult relationship situations by telling them to talk to their other half but when it lands on my doorstep i realise how difficult it is for some people to talk. I think i need to think things through but the last year has been very rocky, it was fantastic at first we were insepperable but the arguing and fallouts have pushed it to a point where i personally can't see it ever being like it was in the beginning. I was just wondering if there is something i was missing to fix this. I'm not the type to think its basically the end of the world when / if they're relationship ends thankfully. I think whatever happens i need a long holiday to unwind, writing this is great as i am realising just how much i have bottled up which makes me sad to think this relationship is in a pretty poor state.
If anything happens i will post back. Again, thank you for your responses it means a great deal!
I couldn't live like that & would have to call it a day. She sounds so needy & high maintenance. If your best friend asked you the same question, what advice would you give them?
You are too young and life is way too short for this shite.
I realise you may want to help and support her but your cannot fix her.
She can only fix herself.
Leave her to figure herself out and then let her know, when she is ready for a proper adult relationship, that if you haven't moved on you will reconsider.
Until then she needs to get some help and get herself sorted out.
You can't work it out because she is the one with the problem here. The kindest thing would be to end things gently but firmly because otherwise she will promise to change but won't be able to do so.
We're not really speaking at the moment as it was last night she got funny because i didn't promise that i was not attracted to an actress in a film we were watching. I was angry due to the fact that i had to promise as its absolutely ridiculous and i feel i shouldn't have do things like that...
I'm not afraid from being alone i guess one of the major things I'm worried about is her family, i get on real well with every one of them including 2 kids and if i left the scene i would feel very guilty as they missed her ex when they split. I'm just very confused with everything.
I can't speak for all women of course, and there are many out there who would genuinely have no problem hearing their OH saying they find another person attractive.
But I too have found this hard on occasion. It can sting a lot if she takes it like this:
If you live in a nice but normal house, a house you chose and are happy with, but then you watch some property program on TV and see an amazing, unattainable house that you could never afford, you might find yourself thinking 'wow, I'd love to live in a house like that. If I won the lottery, I'd buy a house like that. But I can't afford it, so I will have to settle for my house'.
If your GF feels that you feel like that about her, she will of course be very hurt.
If, on the other hand, you can explain to her that it's perfectly normal for someone to find another person attractive without it meaning that you want them or wish you could have them or that you feel you have to settle with miss average because your life doesn't allow you to have the elite version, if you can tell her it's she who you want, who you love entirely, looks and personality, and that while the girl in the film is nice to look at, you know that's not all that's important and maybe miss celeb is a nightmare to love with, maybe she can be reassured that's it's just typical human nature to find some people more attractive than others.
FWIW I don't have any celeb crushes. There are people who I think are attractive and nice to look at, but I that's different to a 'crush'. If you can explain that to her, it might help. I don't think I would want to be with someone who has a 'crush' on someone else, unattainable celeb or not. Just cos you can't, if you still want to, that's not nice for your GF to hear!
Also, re you saying you want to keep some parts of your life just for you... I am one who wants to commit fully but needs the same back, otherwise i feel I am giving away more of myself than I should.
If she wants 100% commitment (not joined at the hip but mindful commitment) but you don't, you should just be honest that your ideals for the future don't match.
I guess but the difference between us is that she likes quite a few celebs which i am fine with but when it comes to me liking someone then i get both barrels... i get the scouring looks, the sly remarks etc.
There's no way i can explain that to her, she sees things negatively and i can guarantee it will not end well. Neither of us actually have a 'crush' on them, like you said we both have people in entertainment that we find are nice in some sort of way, I'm fine with it but its not the same my end. It sounds so pathetic writing this but its tiny things like this that cause us to argue nearly every day / week.
I'm very happy to commit 100% like you said but i like time to do things that i like to do. She wants to hug and kiss and snuggle 24/7, i like doing that but its too much to be doing this every second we are together.
An example is i finish work and i have a car i am fixing up in my spare time as a project. I'd personally like at least one day to chill out and work on it. Not have to drop everything and keep her happy by going there immediately after work every single day just to snuggle etc. I have things in my life i need to do not just sit on the sofa cuddling.
I don't want to sound 'hard done by' but i feel I'm giving a lot more than I'm getting back. If i were to express that it would lead to her crying and me apologising. Thats the cycle we're in everyday if not then every week.
Ah Mazda that does sound fierce and too much.
She must be very insecure. I know that I've been a bit like this at times in my past and it can be very hard to get someone like this to open their eyes.
Maybe try using the car example. Gently say to her 'I like working on my car. It's my hobby. Do you love me, as someone who has a hobby they enjoy? If so, you need to understand that I need time when I am awake and not working to be able to do that, and that doesn't mean I am rejecting you, just that I am doing something I still like doing, and I still enjoy even now that you are in my life.'
You could persevere but it will take some time to get her to understand this if she is very insecure about how you feel about her.
Maybe next time you are working on the car or whatever, take time to send her a pic of what you're working on, to let her know she's in your thoughts even tho you are having fun without her. That sort of thing has made all the difference to me in the past.
Good luck - hope you can make it work and both be happy
Thanks Bleach I'll try it, my thoughts being that if we're like this after saying i want to have time to do stuff like that for the last 2 years it won't change When we are apart we do photo whatever we're up to etc and text already.
Thanks for the advice , I'll just have to see what happens. I'm not holding my breath though...
You need to end this relationship before you end up falling into a marriage with her that will lead her to control your whole life.
It sounds like she has a huge amount of growing up to do before she is ready for a committed, adult relationship.
The level of insecurity and controlling behaviour she is displaying is borderline abusive IMO.
i would feel very guilty as they missed her ex when they split
This right here is your issue.
You are too nice.
Stop it. You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness.
Just because you get on well with her family!
Please don't sleepwalk into a relationship with this girl because you think you have to please others.
Honestly, I've been there.
And it wasn't until I'd booked the church the reception, sent invites and was dress shopping, I realised I was doing it for everyone else.
It was fun fun fun cancelling everything and having to face everyone (NOT)
But I did it and it was definitely the best decision.
I should have ended it before he proposed but I was too scared to hurt his family/my family etc.... and it just prolonged the agony for me and made things 10x worse for everyone else.
Don't be me, get out now.
If you break up with her, her family won't miss you, as much as you think! I left my DH, after 20 years together, and I never heard from any of his family ever again. I thought they loved me. Nope. My sister divorced her first H, quite honestly, none of us miss him. And my family do not miss my first H. Her family probably like you, and they are nice to you because you are with your GF. They don't love you and they won't miss you when you leave. Their prime concern is your GF. So, please don't let that be a reason for staying with her, because I think you're very misguided with this.
As for snuggling all evening, you're only able to do this, because you both live with your parents and don't have any adult chores to do at home. I bet your parents don't spend 5 hours a day snuggling? They'll be cooking, cleaning, doing the food shop, paying the bills etc. The bubble you are in, is not realistic in the long term.
Personally, from what you say, I think she has some terribly crushing insecurities. And I really couldn't be bothered with that. It's all "me, me, me" from her end. If she really loved you, she'd have no problem letting you work on your car! My DH loves his sports car. On his days off he always takes a few hours to wash and polish the 3 cars we have between us. He loves it. Why would I stop him doing something he loved
and I get a very shiny car, so it's win win
Has she got no other interests, no other friends? She must have something she can do while you're having a hobby.
Just go fix the car anyway. See your friends anyway. Set a couple of regular days/nights so she knows to expect it, rather than her mentally making plans that she then feels you have dashed. It is not a conversation, she does not have the option to decide what you do with all your time. Tell her this is what you are doing.
You need your space. She can either live with seeing you 5 or 6 days out of 7, or 0. If time with you in that precious, why is she wasting it arguing?
She can cry all she likes. Acknowledge that she has feelings she cannot help, but so do you. Do not apologise for your feelings.
I do like the idea upthread of texting occasionally to let her know you're thinking of her, but you are doing your own thing.
I suspect that she cannot change her behaviour yet. Like you, she has no other pattern for relationships at this point. But give her the chance to actually get used to a different behaviour. If she can cope (though she may not like it), you have a foundation for change. If she can't, you shouldn't stay with her anyway.
(Also, if you are planning kids, acknowledge that at some point in your life you may have to sideline those hobbies for some years to look after your shared responsibility! But that time is not now.)
Huskylover - Thank you i think I've been overthinking about her family. They're all very close and have really welcomed me and i think I'm wrong like you said. Thats made me rethink that topic As for the living with parents part i know it won't be like that in the future if we got a house but if we're just seeing eachother and its like this then god only knows what would happen if we were married. Everything would be worse like 'hellsbellsmelons' said...! Thank you your comments helped
Wufflelump - She hasn't got any hobbies, she has farm animals that she cares for but as for hobbies like cars, running, football, etc.. nothing. I did realise this was a problem when i was late once and she said she'd been sat staring at the ceiling waiting for me.... which didn't set with me too well as i said she could have done something to occupy herself whilst i was travelling to hers! This has stopped now thankfully. I will see what happens like you said regarding changing behavoiur although knowing her i can almost guarantee which direction it'll head.. But thank you both i will try these
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