Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New relationship

(9 Posts)
Jezzabelle Sun 03-Apr-16 22:49:53

Not quite sure what's going on in my head, so apologies for the stream of conscience! Really, I want to speak to my mum but she died and so that's not an option. I separated from my husband 18 months back. He cheated, lied and didn't want me for years. I met a guy 6 months back. Really fell for him. He is completely devoted to me now, but took a while to get there. I love him and think he'd be their for me and my kids as he adores them too. The thing is, now he is completely into me, I'm getting seriously cold feet!!

He's talked about marriage, moving in, having a baby, (I have two DDs and am 41! He has no children). It's not that I'd rule out more kids but just feel really unsure about absolutely everything!! Clearly I'm not contemplating having a baby with him after 6 months, but know he's after a longer term commitment.

He is kind, loving, gorgeous and he wants to look after me and my DDs, but I have been so badly hurt. I am finding it difficult to make myself vulnerable again I think. Completly useless splurge of blugh, so not really sure what anyone can say to advise me in any way! If you have even just a few words of wisdom, it'd be very much appreciated!

donajimena Sun 03-Apr-16 22:54:32

Too much too soon (him not you) he needs to slow it down. He may be excited or it could be a huge red flag. Only time will tell. How do you think he would take it if you said 'easy tiger'
I don't blame you for getting cold feet.

Jezzabelle Sun 03-Apr-16 23:02:55

Thanks donajimena, I think I have said "easy tiger" in a roundabout way this evening. Think he feels scared. I probably should have mentioned, as it's probably relevant, that his mum was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks back. He's been more full on since. She has a good prognosis at the moment. Yes, he does need to cool it. Just for a while! In the long term I really want it to work out.

TheNaze73 Mon 04-Apr-16 10:17:23

I would be totally freaked out too after only 6 months!!

I think you need to have a warts & all conversation with him to see if you can salvage this, if this is what you want. You've come from a really bad relationship into something that's almost too perfect (I'd be highly suspicious) and your past will inevitably effect your thoughts and feelings around the new relationship. Without wanting to sound too controversial, he's giving you nothing to chase either as he's devoted and I think that's why you, you're getting cold feet & to me, sound slightly bored. If he knows about your past, he may be trying too hard and over compensating for it.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 04-Apr-16 10:30:00

he wants to look after me and my DDs
WHY? Does he not think you can do that perfectly wonderfully all by yourself?
I'd want him to cool it for a bit as well.
So..... you stay together, in about 2 years time you are 43 and he wants a child.
Do you do it? Do you try and then a baby at 45?
Nothing wrong with it but if it's not what you want then you need to tell him up front.
I'd not want a teenager age 60 but that's just me.
Really think about this. If it's his deal breaker then it may be a no brainer!

pictish Mon 04-Apr-16 10:37:50

I think you're right to exercise caution. It sounds like a lot of big promises to make after six months. You have no way of knowing if he's likely to keep them.
A genuine person with an ounce of common sense wouldn't be pushing things like this so soon.

Emmiy Mon 04-Apr-16 11:42:53

I think his Mother being diagnosed with cancer will have totally shocked him and his outlook on the world. Give him time to adjust and he will probably back off. He may even back off completely if he decides that life is short and he wants more excitement . He is in shock now so he is possibly just clinging on to what is making him happy.

huskylover Mon 04-Apr-16 14:28:56

Hmm. Well, I met DH just 2 months after leaving my first H, and 8 months later he moved in. Been together over 7 years now. You can't necessarily apply accepted time frames on things (we've only been together 6mo, so we can't be in love) Sometimes, with the right person, things happen fast.

I wouldn't feel like you have to give him a baby though!! It's not your problem that he has reached the age he is, and hasn't had a child. That's his problem, not yours. By the time you feel ready to have a baby and then actually conceive, like a PP said, you could be 45. Do you still want to be doing the school run at 60? Sorry, no way would I be doing that. If he loves you, he will accept you as you are. I made it clear from day 1 to DH, that my baby making days were well behind me (I was 38), and he accepted that. It was the right decision, and funnily enough, with the youngest about to fly the nest, DH is happily planning all the exotic holidays he wants us to do together !! Had we had a child when we got together, it would be just about to start Primary school, even though the other dc had left home already. No thanks.

Jezzabelle Mon 04-Apr-16 22:25:50

Thanks all. It is true hellsbells that I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself and my DDs. I don't think he doubts that, he always says that I'm a great mum, (although I can be very self critical, like so many mums!) Just think he wants to be there for all of us. I don't doubt that he loves me. I love him and although I have only fallen in love three times in my life, it has always happened quickly!!

I think you're right Emmiy, his mum getting ill has really shaken him and I think the recent utter devotion is partly a reaction to that. She is getting important results in less than 2 weeks which will have a huge impact on the future.

After the chat yesterday, he has actually backed off a lot. Said this evening that he was sorry he'd been full on and that he just wants to enjoy being together and is happy to take it more slowly. I think I may have not helped the situation by saying that I had not ruled out having another baby a few months back. I did mean it at the time but have since thought about all of the implications of being an older parent with 2 much older DCs. Now I'm less keen! I know I will have to have a very frank talk about this with him but may save it until hopefully things are better with his mum.

Huskylover did your DH have DCs from a previous relationship? You are right to say that of course it is his problem that he has not had children at almost 40. I do need to keep reminding myself of that. I just know that he had wanted DCs and if I had not had mine it would have been such a huge regret in my life. Clearly, that is no reason to have his baby though, unless I am sure it's what I want too.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now