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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Children's dad not responding to calls

44 replies

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 21:06

Me and h have been separated about 6 months now. Our arrangements are all done between us and I take the children to see him every other weekend and he usually comes the other weekends. Usually the kids call him or he calls them (whichever comes first!) each evening.
Anyway, text on Friday said he was too worn out to come down (we're about 3 hours away) to come this weekend, so i said that was fine and we'd go next week. he is a workaholic and works all hours God sends so I know he's always very busy and tired but I've tried calling two nights now for the kids to speak to him and he's not answering. I wrote a text asking if it was till OK if I brought the kids next week and have no reply.

The main reason I worry is that he doesn't really have any friends outside work or family close by. He's a bit of a hermit and doesn't socialise.

Should I be worried?

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Whistle73 · 03/04/2016 21:41

Hi, sorry I didn't want to read and not post. Can you try and get him at work tomorrow? First thought was that he had made other plans this weekend and didn't want to tell you, but if your children usually speak to him every night he would surely have thought of that.

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 21:48

Yes, possibly Whistle. His work is a massive place though and I've never been or called there before. I'm not at all worried if he has other plans (actually hope he does meet someone else soon) but just as he was always a bit of a loner and his work is his life. I'm going to try and ask my old neighbour if she can peep out of her window and see if lights are on.

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ittooshallpass · 03/04/2016 22:31

Maybe he is (quite badly) trying to cut the amount of time he spends time with the children.

Your original post states he sees them every weekend and speaks to them every night. That will make it very hard for either of you (or your DC) to move on.

Perhaps a discussion about reduced contact time is needed?

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2016 22:46

He may be ill.

If you are separated, you really shouldn't be badgering him every day. You need to give him a bit of space.

If the children are upset about no contact, maybe text that to him. Otherwise, leave him alone for a week.

3 hours drive apart is difficult for every weekend and probably not sustainable long term especially if he has long working hours. Most separated families go with every other weekend and then one night in the week if they live close enough to make that feasible.

unimaginative1979 · 03/04/2016 22:50

Can you see on what's app or FB to see if he's actually been using his phone at all?

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 22:52

I don't speak to him myself Hedda, just the children. We hardly speak at all really.
Maybe you are right though and I should cut contact with them for a while.

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turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 22:53

He's not on fb unimaginative and I'm not sure about whatapp.

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unimaginative1979 · 03/04/2016 22:58

If you've got what's app look at his number it should tell you at least if he's been online- if he hasn't that his phone might be lost etc. If he has been online then you know he's seen his phone!

aliciajohnson01 · 03/04/2016 23:08

This reply has been deleted

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turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 23:09

I doubt it alicia, he's a programmer!

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Jinglebells99 · 03/04/2016 23:11

I would be a bit worried by that to be honest. If he normally speaks to his children every day it seems out of character. Does he get depressed?

PointlessUsername · 03/04/2016 23:15

Odd post Alicia.

Hopefully something like he lost his phone/ broken it.

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 23:20

Jinglebells, yes I think so, though he wouldn't admit it. We had serious communication problems through the marriage. He'd often not speak to me for days for no apparent reason. I'd just leave him to it (I'm not the best talker myself) and in the end we were just existing under the same roof with no idea what each other was feeling.
Since we split though, he's always kept up good communication with the children. If I don't call, he will call. On weekdays he often gets home late but he doesn't work weekends so really could have called any time.

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YesThisIsMe · 03/04/2016 23:22

What do you mean ittooshallpass. Why the hell should young children be "moving on" from their parent?

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 23:23

Pointless, His phone is ringing, tried house phone also (admittedly he often doesn't answer that)
Hopefully he's just pissed off with me for some unknown reason.

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NameChange30 · 03/04/2016 23:23

I agree with Jinglebells, it seems out of character and if depression could be an issue (because of past behaviour and/or other recent signs) I would be worried about him tbh. If he's still not answering tomorrow I would try and get hold of him at work. If he wasn't at work and hadn't called in sick I would probably panic and start trying to get hold of his neighbours or parents or something.

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 23:26

Yesthisisme - I've tried really hard to keep up contact. It's 5 mins on the phone in the evening? I 'd hate my kids to think I tried to stop it or distance themselves from him. they still need him in their lives even if I don't.
I didn't get it either?
I'm also not badgering. It's not me, it's the kids who speak and want to see him. I don't give up my weekends for the children to see their dad because I like to.

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NameChange30 · 03/04/2016 23:27

Cross post - hadn't refreshed the page and missed quite a few! If he has stopped communicating in the past I guess it could just be that, but it still seems strange given that he usually talks to the children every day. Could you send him a text message or email to say you're worried and it's fine if he doesn't want to talk but please could he reply to say he's ok?

turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 23:31

That's OK Emma, thank you. I'll see tomorrow if he calls and if not maybe send a message. Very rarely send messages but did before and had no reply either. (just asking if it was ok if we came down next weekend, nothing heavy)

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Jinglebells99 · 03/04/2016 23:35

My husband works abroad a lot and is a workaholic. He would normally text, email or call when he's away but sometimes he is just overwhelmed with work and misses contact for a few days. I don't think you are badgering him at all, and it sounds out of character for him. Think anotheremma is a good idea. I'd be worried. Hope you manage to get him to respond.

aliciajohnson01 · 03/04/2016 23:37

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turkeylovessprout · 03/04/2016 23:44

Yes Jinglebells, they work so much sometimes, it's worrying in itself! He often didn't go to bed and stayed up working and I knew his health would suffer in the end.
I know since we are separated (not yet divorced obv) it's not really any of my problem but I still worry for the kids. I'd feel better if he had some friends or family around but he doesn't. We're not in love any more and don't like each other much but you can't just turn off a switch after 8 years and stop. (well I can't)

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MissBeaHaving · 04/04/2016 00:22

I've received a private message & email about this thread ?

Not sure how or why but will read it now ... Very odd indeed !

turkeylovessprout · 04/04/2016 08:11

Miss Bea why? There was someone posting about a hacker which I reported and it's been deleted. I'll check mine.

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turkeylovessprout · 04/04/2016 08:14

I've not had any email or pm from HQ.

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