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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dilemma what to do?

27 replies

SuperFlyHigh · 03/04/2016 15:22

I've got a dilemma here I never ever thought I'd post about.

Years ago I met a Canadian man when 21 in UK, he was on leave from the army and we ended up living together (when he was off leave) and engaged too. It ended after 2 years mostly due to him suffering PTSD (no one knew about that back then and he was in UN Peacekeeping corps). We had also planned to live in Canada and i visited a few times and stayed there and worked one summer.

Anyway now FFW 20 years and he found me on FB last year. We recently started chatting and it turns out I was his first love, he's never stopped thinking about me, holds me as a standard it seems to his subsequent partners. He was married 2 years ago for 18 months no kids and it was a relationship where she worked in contact part of army and he was in Afghanistan. He was in intelligence there too.

Anyway he is now desperate for another chance with me, said he'd move to a big city or London. He has his own house in Canada, retired this month, I have a flat and job in London with a mortgage.

I've had relationships but never been married, lived with 3 men for periods of time etc.

I like him but I just don't know what to do. I do like the fact that I could quite easily settle down with him. He doesn't have many downsides but he is a stronger more forceful character than me. Part of my reluctance to get married was moving to Canada years ago but i was young and inexperienced then. I am more life experienced now.

Anyone got any ideas? What to do? He is all set to either visit soon or me visit him. Oh my dilemma is should I take this further, think seriously about emigrating etc (a good friend of mine has done this to Canada in past 5 years). I'm not bothered about LTR side as we did this before.

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Kidnapped · 03/04/2016 15:29

Stop with the emigrating talk. You haven't clapped eyes on him or spoken to him in 20 years.

Let him visit you in London and see how it goes.

rookiemere · 03/04/2016 15:43

Well DH and I joke that if we are ever on a witness relocation programme Canada is the one place we'd love to emigrate to!

But like kidnapped says you're a wee bit ahead of yourself. He's willing to come over so why not see how it pans out before worrying about it. As you say you have matured and so has he and you need to see how you get on in real life before making any major commitments.

I presume you don't have DCs?

goddessofsmallthings · 03/04/2016 16:07

he is a stronger more forceful character than me

In what way(s) is he a more "forceful" character than you? Has he divorced his wife of short duration or is he still married?

I love Canada in the summer months but the winters are long, dark, and freezing cold.

butteredmuffin · 03/04/2016 16:08

Meet him. What have you got to lose? You might see him and realise there is no chemistry. Or it might be the start of something wonderful.

huskylover · 03/04/2016 16:42

I'd cool your jets a bit. It's been a massive 20 years. You will have both changed a lot in that time. You may not fancy him now.

I think it's a great idea to meet up, and there's a good chance you could rekindle your relationship, BUT, don't get over excited just yet.

Good luck though! It would be a lovely ending.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/04/2016 16:46

Thanks for the responses...

It's him that's talking about the emigrating not me! I said I needed time to think. Our chemistry was strong first time round so no reason why not a second time!

goddess he divorced his wife last year.

We do or did get on but like I said it was 20 years ago. Oh and yes I don't have DCs.

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SuperFlyHigh · 03/04/2016 16:49

A final question should he visit me or me him? I have less holiday but about 24 days. He has plenty of time now!

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Pinkheart5915 · 03/04/2016 16:53

As your both single go for it what have you got to lose
I'd Invite him to visit you, see how things go

Kidnapped · 03/04/2016 16:55

He should visit you. He has more spare time.

And then if all goes well you can visit him.

antimatter · 03/04/2016 16:57

Invite him to stay in London.
You both have all the time on the world.

No need to rush anything!

Hiddlesnake · 03/04/2016 17:06

I need you to keep us updated! This could be wonderful!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 03/04/2016 17:10

He should visit you but not stay with you.

eddielizzard · 03/04/2016 18:29

i would meet up definitely. best if he came to london but i wouldn't build your hopes up or put too much pressure on yourself. i'd also ask him to tone down the love of life / emigrating to canada stuff for the time being. take it one step at a time.

Lalala2016 · 03/04/2016 19:15

Don't let him railroad you. There are alarm bells going off re you saying he is a forceful character and he is talking about you emigrating over there already. Take it slowly, meet up, see how it goes, one step at a time.

I googled my 'one that got away' recently and he was short, fat and old. I couldn't imagine meeting him now 20 years on and still being attracted to him. However who knows?

SuperFlyHigh · 03/04/2016 22:40

Lalala he is forceful but I already pointed out to him on the phone that I know my own mind, am independent (he knew this already) and re my emigrating eg it would be a big if etc...

There is no way he is staying with me. I in fact have taken a break from him whatsapping me today as I need space.

He is a nice man and quite astute but I'm not sure if potentially he likes me more because he sees me as what I was when I was 21 and not now...

However having said all the above I'll keep chatting if he wants to come over eg summer that could be doable and see how it goes. Heck first time round I was railroaded into engagement and emigrating and back then though he lived with me, it was more in his plans I moved to Canada with him. I can't say 100% if I could do that now. I do have a friend who emigrated to be with a man but her 10 year old DD came with her, her sister was already living there, her dad sadly died when she moved there but her mum (who'd remarried since being with her dad) has emigrated out there this spring. All my family and friends are in UK though I do have a great uncle and cousins in Winnipeg!

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Kidnapped · 03/04/2016 22:47

OP, put all thoughts of emigrating out of your head.

Any time he mentions it, then just say that really he should be moving to your country if he is that keen (what with him being retired from the army and all). If he wouldn't even consider moving here but wants you to give up your life for him and move to Canada, then you have a huge indicator that he does not see you as an equal in the relationship.

Birthgeek · 03/04/2016 22:56

Why did he divorce his ex wife?

HeddaGarbled · 03/04/2016 22:58

TBH he sounds like a bit of a loon. You had a relationship 20 years ago which ended for valid reasons. He hasn't tried to get back in contact for all of those 20 years despite the feelings he is currently claiming. But now he claims to be prepared to move countries for a woman he hasn't seen or spoken to for 20 years.

I would be very very wary. Meet him if you want to but be very very careful.

CrikeyPeg · 04/04/2016 06:25

Already you feel the need to take a whatsapping break from him = not boding well for any future relationship. What happened all those years ago that you didn't emigrate to Canada and continue the relationship? He sounds like he's well and truly got his rose tinted glasses on.

croon979 · 04/04/2016 07:15

I am a hopeless romantic but I have to say that I find the talk of emigrating quite weird. You need to treat it almost as though you are dating someone new. That kind of pace....it's not that you need to think about emigration surely, it's that you need to get to know each other again 😕

ImaginaryCat · 04/04/2016 08:09

Do you know how desperate people are to get into Canada now? With their perfect Jed Bartlett-esque PM? Marry this man immediately, figure out what he's like after the American election, EU referendum and 2020 GE, by which time you'll know if the rest of the world has gone to hell in a handcart.
(I'm only partially joking)

SuperFlyHigh · 04/04/2016 20:41

Birthgeek what he told me was that he met her when he was working abroad in the army so he hadn't known her before then, she had grown up DC but she then didn't get a job and he didn't like that.

Crikey it was mostly his PTSD which put an end to our relationship as he was living with me then on leave but we rented a place, he then wanted us to get married so we got engaged but the main part of that was me emigrating to Canada and not him moving to UK. His mum was planning our wedding...

Hedda he said he didn't think I wanted to hear from him again so no letters, plus I'd moved... He had no email address as we didn't have them back then, he didn't ring because felt he wouldn't be welcome, he just thought I'd move on and that was that. He literally found me on FB and as soon as he knew it was me (I've been off it under a different name for past 4 years) added me and messaged me - this was late last year. He did say he'd googled my stepdads name (he had a high up job).

Trust me this emigrating talk isn't coming from me, I am wary as I have rushed in in the past.

The only thing now is I'd quite like a relationship possibly marriage and he seems more than willing to try again. In one way that's sweet, touching and refreshing to a lot of men his age I know, in another way I back off. He really is a nice person, my mum liked him. There weren't really red flags apart from the PTSD and being a bit forceful. The forceful is my one sticking point and one I'd have to point out.

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WetLettuce123 · 04/04/2016 22:10

Emigrating/ marriage is all a bit much isn't it?!

You haven't seen him for 20 years and it didn't work out first time. The kindest thing someone can give you now is a huge REALITY CHECK.

There is a possibility you could have a relationship with this man but start off as any relationship would, meet for dinner and take it from there. His OTT talk is a slight red flag to me. Sounds like he's romanticising the past a touch. It could be a great love story, it may not be. Find out but keep your feet well and truly on the ground. There's no harm and Hong lost in letting it run its course naturally. Good luck.

SuperFlyHigh · 04/04/2016 22:18

WetLettuce like I said the marriage and emigrating is and was his idea, where I first met him I was 20 and quite naive.

I know it didn't work out first time round and that was due to us being young which he realises and said to me the other day.

I think I will invite him to stay eg in UK but not stay with me and then see how it goes. To be brutally honest and I suppose cynical I don't think I'll end up with him but it is flattering he thinks like this about me. I do think he is romanticising the past a lot though in our case.

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WetLettuce123 · 04/04/2016 22:28

I definitely think it's worth exploring, I mean what have you got to lose? But why do you have to invite him to stay in the UK? Just say "if you're in the UK it would be great to meet up". Then there are no crossed wires about him thinking he can stay at your place!

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