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Should I apply for child maintenance?

(5 Posts)
hollowintheriver Sun 03-Apr-16 14:47:14

With thanks to some of the Mumsnetters who posted on my recent thread, I'm taking steps to get rid of my abusive, useless user of an an ex, and I just want to say thanks to the person who recommended me the book 'No contact' by Natalie Lue, it was very insightful and has given me some very useful tips.

Ex DP hasn't financially supported DS since he was 6 weeks old and DS is 6 now,
I know. I know, and his contact with DS is sporadic. I have told him countless of times to pay towards DS upkeep, he hasn't, or makes up excuses. He currently has no job, but I think will be getting one soon. His currently on benefits.

I've always had that frame of mind that if a father doesn't see his child, then I don't want his money. I think there would come a point where DS dad would stop contact with DS. Should I still apply for child maintenance?

Also, I know DS dad will be moving house soon and I know he won't tell me where his new house will be, so how would the child maintenance team contact him to arrange payments?

Also, reading the No contact rule book, should I wait to apply for child maintenance----maybe in 4 months time? So I can slowly emotionally distant myself from DS dad and has anyone applied for child maintenance when the dad was abusive and what was the outcome? As I'm afraid that DS dad will get very angry.

Thanks all.

Penguinepenguins Sun 03-Apr-16 15:05:43

Sorry to hear it's been a difficult road for you. No direct advise but maybe explaning my experiences will help...

We don't deal with an abbusive ex (just a very challenging one shall we say) We don't push for maintenance from her and she hasn't seen DC for years, but does arrange time before cancelling a few hours before or not turning up. We never pushed it as we felt she would be "I'm a wonderful mother because I pay for them, I support them" and quite frankly do not want her to have that satisfaction as she literally does nothing (never even seen a birthday or Christmas card) and so as we don't need the money we don't put ourselves through the hassle or give her that satisfaction of gloating - However part of me thinks she does so little that she should be made to support them in some way but not sure what it would really achieve for us or the DC as both DP and I are financially secure.

My biological father, was court ordered to pay £5 a month when I was little my mum never saw it, she struggled a great deal and whilst it was such a small amount it would have no doubt helped her to do something nice once a month but I think she always felt she didn't want it either, I'm glad she didn't as I think I'd feel that she would have never have enjoyed that monthly treat knowing he was paying for it - I think I saw my father four times spanning 22 years, two that I pushed for as young woman and don't feel I owe him a single thing!

It is such a personal decision but if there is a history of abuse you have survived this long without his help and he's on benefits is it really worth it... Maybe better to at least wait until he has a job, I don't know it all works but I can't think you will see much whilst he is on benefits.

hollowintheriver Sun 03-Apr-16 15:33:40

Thanks penguins I get where your coming from as I felt the same thing too. DS dad would definitely be gloating at the fact that he supports his DS and I too don't want to give him that satisfaction.

Thanks for your response, it's a tough one isn't. We don't see our dad that much and he does get a lot of money and I remember that my mum use to struggle without getting no money from him. I was even angry at her believe it or not, I felt like she should demand money from our dad and I vowed that if I ever had a child with someone that they must pay towards their child, even if I had to go through court. Though obviously it's not as simple. Oh I don't know.

Penguinepenguins Sun 03-Apr-16 17:52:51

It really is an impossible one!!!

Maybe the question is will DS be better off if you do go after him for support? Ours would not and therefore decided not too smile

Good luck with your decision!

Rebecca2014 Sun 03-Apr-16 18:32:58

I would wait until you know he has a job before going to csa otherwise your only get 7 pound a week but I suppose its still better than nothing. As long as he isn't self employed, they be able to find him so don't worry about that.

You know if my ex didn't see our daughter, I be even more determined to go after child support as a way to get him to accept some responsibility for his child. Who cares if he gloats about paying you money for his child? does that matter.

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