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Dp's parents

(11 Posts)
Headdesk Sun 03-Apr-16 12:55:27

Does anyone else's dp/dh's parent ever brin up exes?
I've been with dp for three years, get on with his family great, love his parents and brothers and sisters. I don't think they don't like me or anything like that.
It's just when we go down his mum or dad always say 'oh how is ***' and asking loads of questions about her life and speak very fondly of her. I know that dp and her do still talk (less so recently as they've both been busy with their own lives) and will meet up for a drink when they're in the same area I have no problem with this at all, they've been friends longer than they were together, she has a boyfriend and he's with me. It's just I find it a bit awkward when his parents bring her up, I have anxiety and very low self esteem, and I over think things a lot and I always end up leaving thinking that maybe they thought he should have stayed with her.
Someone please tell me I'm being stupid and over thinking it again.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Apr-16 13:05:40

You are over-thinking it, most likely.

How do you manage your anxiety over other issues? Can you use the same techniques in this case?

Headdesk Sun 03-Apr-16 13:07:28

I don't very well. My dp is extremely patient with me as I am always very negative on myself and feel like I'm not good enough, it's not just with him, it's every aspect of my life, not good enough for my job, not good enough for the friends I have.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Apr-16 13:30:18

You're far from the only person to feel like that, if that's any comfort, and there are things you can do to learn not to let those (false) beliefs overwhelm you and guide you.

Have you ever thought of trying some kind of therapy or counselling? There are plenty of different techniques out there, from talk therapy to CBT. CBT was designed to substitute negative beliefs with more objective alternatives. Many people also find that practicing meditation helps, as it makes you more aware of your feelings as they arise, but more as something you observe rather than as something you get lost inside of.

Headdesk Sun 03-Apr-16 13:32:28

I'd love therapy but I can't afford it, also the thought of telling someone everything that goes on in my head while they are sat there right next to me terrifies me.
I struggle to tell do things that go on in my head, sometimes I have to text him what's wrong instead (god he really does put up with a lot from me, he deserves a medal).

Headdesk Sun 03-Apr-16 13:32:39

*dp not do

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 03-Apr-16 14:12:31

It's a lot healthier and more effective to use a neutral professional than a partner to deal with neuroses; it's not a job for a partner as they are emotionally involved with you. And therapy is great, when you have a good fit with your therapist: it's a non-judgemental environment in which to shine a light on the stuff that makes us squirm inside. The therapist is there to support and help you through that process.

But if you're not ready for that, that's fine too. Try the Mood Gym (it's an online course of CBT) - it'll just be between you and your computer screen.

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 14:16:44

Headdesk, it doesn't sound as though they are trying to make you feel bad, but I can understand why you feel the way you do. Just try to remember that your DP and his ex split up for a reason and he is with you now. It doesn't really matter how his family feel, as long as they respect your relationship and are kind to you. I think the idea of getting therapy is daunting especially as it is expensive and you don't know whether it will be worth it. A couple of my friends have had really good results though (one for relationship/anxiety issues, the other for an eating disorder) and I am thinking of giving it a go myself.

Headdesk Sun 03-Apr-16 14:16:52

Thank you I will!

springydaffs Sun 03-Apr-16 14:53:31

It might help you to seek out a support group for others who experience the same kind of anxiety. Peer support always does it for me (though there is a place for professional support too).

Talking of which, most therapists offer a sliding fee scale - just ask, they won't be offended. You could look on the BACP site to see what therapists work in your area. imo it is an essential expense! I've actually found therapy in the past for 5 pounds per hour fyi..

All in good time eh. Your dp's parents sound like warm people (always a good sign!) and probably have no idea their comments make you feel uncomfortable.

Headdesk Sun 03-Apr-16 15:28:11

They really are, they've always been very welcoming and nice, I wasn't trying to make out that they were horrible or anything, it's just this one thing that makes me feel awkward, which I know is all in my head. I need to stop being so pathetic.

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