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I know what you're going to say, but I think I need to hear it

(20 Posts)
Whistle73 Sun 03-Apr-16 11:41:54

Awful row this morning. H was late for work after trying and failing to put up a curtain pole. We went downstairs, he shouted at kids for leaving a cereal bowl on the floor. Then went into kitchen to make himself a coffee and a milkshake to take with him. He spilt some of the milkshake powder on the kitchen surface and instead of wiping it up brushed it on to the kitchen floor with his hands.
I should have seen he was in a foul temper and left it, but I called him out on it and told him it would make the floor sticky. In a mood he wiped the kitchen floor and his hand slipped a bit and he fell against a chair.
He then got up, shouting and swearing and threw the chair across the room ( in front of DDs). Then he kicked a side table across the floor.
We had a massive row about it - I told him behaviour like that is unacceptable- it's not the first time he's done things like this. (He's punched walls, thrown stuff, damaged a stool once)
He admits it was wrong - but says its excusable because I told him off about the powder on the floor which was petty. He says losing his rag like this five times in 15 years is ok and other men do it?
Lots more was said, the argument went on for an hour - but that's the gist of it. We've been in trouble for ages, but it's over now isn't it?

Paramiribella Sun 03-Apr-16 11:44:47

It depends. If he's willing to admit there's a problem and work at changing and you're willing to support/live with that then no. But if not, well I think you know the answer.
So sorry you're having to go through this.

Throwingshadeagain Sun 03-Apr-16 11:46:48

Ok if it really is five times in 15 years and crucially you are not walking on eggshells most of the time just in case he goes off then maybe, just maybe, he has a point.

But I doubt it's like that is it? I imagine you have to cowtow to him and his moods all the time.

The throwing off stuff especially round the kids is dangerous and I wouldn't stand for it. Give him an ultimatum but really really mean it. Tell him his behaviour is abusive and violent and it's one more strike or he's out.

Sorry you had such a horrendous morning, he was horribly abusive.

QuiteLikely5 Sun 03-Apr-16 11:47:43

Letting the children witness an hour long row is not on and you are both to blame for that.

TheVeganVagina Sun 03-Apr-16 11:48:29

My ex husband use to do things like that. He was also abusive.
My beautiful late husband never, ever did anything remotely like that in 15 years. I would not accept that behaviour from any of my children, let alone a grown man. He has an issue controlling himself and it shows immaturity on his part. It really is not good that this is done in front of your children, and you. So definitely not normal, and definitely not excusable. Are you ok? It must have been very frightening for yourself and children.

ohforfoxsake Sun 03-Apr-16 11:49:20

Yes other men do it. And we leave them for it.

Pathetic to say that. If you told your child off for the powder on the floor and they reacted like that you'd discipline them. Are you meant to parent your husband or should he be treated like an equal and not expect anyone else to clean up his mess?

He was acting like a dick. It was a bad morning. How he reacts is what is key. If he apologises, cleans up, speaks to the children about his unacceptable behaviour and takes ownership, sure. We all fuck up. It's how we put it right that counts.

Whistle73 Sun 03-Apr-16 11:57:38

Thank you for all your kind words. We did send the children upstairs after a few minutes of the row after the furniture throwing, I made sure they heard me say to him it was unacceptable behaviour though.
He is a very difficult man to live with. He has a health issue that means he is often in pain but generally I think he is depressed and this combination makes his negative, snappy and short tempered.

Whistle73 Sun 03-Apr-16 12:00:17

He has never hurt me - he pointed a finger in my face today and grabbed my wrists to try and get me to listen to him.

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 12:47:44

This might seem like a weird question, but was the milkshake a protein shake? And if so, does he drink a lot of them?

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 13:13:28

Sorry, I know that sounds like an odd question to ask, but my friend's ex boyfriend got really into bodybuilding and she said that when he was taking supplements it was like he turned into a completely different person. He got a really aggressive, when he had never been like that before.

Marchate Sun 03-Apr-16 13:19:13

Grabbing your wrists = hurting you, in my opinion

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 03-Apr-16 13:20:56

"He's punched walls, thrown stuff, damaged a stool once"

What do you think it must be like for your children to live in such an environment? I suspect they must be shit-scared of him, and worry that his attention may be turned to them at some point. I know I would be.

Whistle73 Sun 03-Apr-16 14:05:16

It was a meal replacement shake. So similar to a protein shake I suppose. He'll be home at about 9 tonight and I guess we're in for a long discussion. I actually feel sorry for him, he's a very unhappy man. But that doesn't mean he can act like that and he needs to deal with his own issues. Maybe I need to issue an ultimatum that he sees a doctor and asks for help with his depression which is undiagnosed.

butteredmuffin Sun 03-Apr-16 14:10:55

If he has anger management issues then he needs to get professional help and find a safer and more constructive outlet for his pent-up aggression. It's ok for you to try and help him deal with his issues, but first he has to recognise that he has a problem and be willing to do something about it. It is not ok for him to take his anger out on you or your children.

springydaffs Sun 03-Apr-16 15:22:42

So the kids heard it all from upstairs. For a fucking HOUR sad

Really, you both need to save arguments like that for when the kids aren't there. Put it on pause, get the kids sorted, then resume the argument when the kids aren't around.

Throwingshadeagain Sun 03-Apr-16 15:50:36

Good luck talking to him tonight. You really do have to MEAN it if you give him an ultimatum. If you don't walk the walk, he'll think he's got free reign to do this again. It's a shame he's depressed but him agreeing to see a doctor is not enough, you have to spell it out, he has to get medication and preferably counselling before you even consider continuing int he marriage.

Whistle73 Sun 03-Apr-16 21:09:32

He's not come home yet.sad

mikado1 Sun 03-Apr-16 21:09:57

Saw your post in my similar is right. Hope it goes ok .

Whistle73 Mon 04-Apr-16 08:46:03

Well he didn't come home last night until after I'd given up and gone to bed at about 10.30.
This morning when I left for work he was still in bed, I tried to talk to him just to say we'd speak tonight, but he was surly and uncommunicative, said I'd made my position perfectly clear and what more was there to say.
I don't want to end it, but I feel I am being made to!

Unicow Mon 04-Apr-16 08:52:08

My DH has severe depression and a condition that leaves him in constant pain. He has NEVER thrown anything in 15 years. He needs to be able to admit to the problem and get help. That's the only sensible thing to do for ALL your sakes.

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