Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Getting used to a normal life again..

(4 Posts)
slumbalumba Sun 03-Apr-16 05:03:08

Has anyone else who's left a long abusive marriage found it takes an incredibly long time to readjust? I'm a year and a half out of a terribly controlling and abusive 19yr marriage but I still can't shake that feeling of the 'black cloud' hovering just over my shoulder. It makes me feel afraid to do the things I want to do, even though I know I am now free to do them. In shops, when choosing things, I still feel his negativity/disapproval. It makes it very difficult to enjoy myself. I can go to the tills and purchase what I want and I can now bring stuff home and not have to hide it but I still have this feeling 'I'm being bad, I'm being bad' and mentally I cower. This permeates so much of my life. The fridge isn't arranged the way he'd like it and every time I open the door I am reminded. If I get the car washed I know he'd disapprove as I should do it myself. I have nightmares about his anger as if we were still together. When will it stop? Will I ever be normal again?

notonyurjellybellynelly Sun 03-Apr-16 05:12:45

Slumba, it will take quite some time to be 'normal' again after all you've been through over such a long period of time.

Would you consider counselling? It would help you feel better than you do now.

flowers

BitchyHen Sun 03-Apr-16 07:39:45

Yes. I felt like this. My EA marriage lasted 15 years, I've been single 5 years. It felt like I had to learn what it meant to be me all over again. We met when I was still a teenager and I had spent years considering his needs before my own.

These days I take pleasure in doing things I know he would hate. Its like a massive fuck you to him. In fact I sometimes used to say it out loud if I caught myself thinking about him disapproving of me.

The nightmares still happen although rarely these days. I just put it down to my brain trying to process the terrible stress I lived under for years and the fact that its no longer there.

Be kind to yourself. When you catch yourself thinking about your xhs disapproval remind yourself that you don't have to take his opinion into account anymore. You have come a long way already.

aLeafFalls Sun 03-Apr-16 07:48:43

Hi slumbalumba, I'm just over a year out of a 20 year abusive marriage. I feel very similar to you. I do lots of things he'd disapprove of, only because he disapproved of so much it would be impossible to live without p-ing him off.

I feel kind of frozen inside and like I don't know who I am any more. At my age! I've only been no-contact with him for two months ( too afraid not to be available for his constant calls before) and it is helping. It's like unraveling a huge knot, as I realise more and more the negative effects he had on my life.

I wonder if I'll ever feel "normal" again. I am having counselling and it helps but recovery will take time. Lots of time. I feel pretty fucked up inside. It's exhausting.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now