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DP searching for me online. Hi there.

(115 Posts)
WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 02:56:57

So basically I've had issues from the start with DP and the Internet. He once checked my FB messages and swore he'd never break my trust again (found nothing, I'm pretty boring). He then sent me an anonymous Tumblr message (think it asked me if I'd cheated?).

He signed up to a chat room I was using to check up on me and didn't let me know it was him. But I knew. I'm quite perceptive so I tried saying things to wind him up and see if it would get him to storm upstairs and confess/have a go, no such luck. He's still never mentioned it.

Now I know he's been reading all my MN posts. (So hello there Mr "of course I trust you"). hmm He's definitely reading this. Clearly searched for someone that sounds like me in the threads. I don't have anything to hide so I'm identifiable. But obviously we mostly expect to stay anonymous here.

I only know because he isn't as sly as he thinks and brings up things I've only ever said on here. I have vented about him which I didn't think would bite me in the ass but it's nothing I wouldn't say to his face anyway (I've brought up most things with him long before posting for advice when I'm upset).

So MN'ers.... I feel a bit violated privacy-wise, especially considering I'd show him if he asked and that he's pretended he's not doing precisely what he's doing. In my eyes he hasn't brought it up on purpose so that he can continue to use it to check up on me? Why not just speak to me angry

This is so dysfunctional. Would this be a dealbreaker for anyone? Do any of you feel we share too much here sometimes? What would you do if your DP was reading your posts? (Clearly I'm not bothered about him knowing I've posted this grin)

Saltfish Sun 03-Apr-16 03:00:17

Ltb...that's leave the bastard to save your "d"p having to snoop.

Jenda Sun 03-Apr-16 03:02:53

I suppose it's better he sees this than all the records of your online affairs... Get a life Walking's DP!

haveacupoftea Sun 03-Apr-16 03:03:26


I see posting on forums as a bit of a harmless way of letting off steam after work. Takes your mind off things.

I guess this is like him reading your diary. He is trying to get inside your head. But he needs to accept that your thoughts are a private place. He cant control them. If you want to spend 3 hours fantasising about a shagfest with James Norton or Aiden Turner there is literally nothing he can do about that either!

croon979 Sun 03-Apr-16 03:04:05

Hi there, DP of Walkingblind. <waves>.

Stop being a fuckwit please.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes Sun 03-Apr-16 03:07:26


wonkylampshade Sun 03-Apr-16 03:08:44

Horrible behaviour sad.

In all seriousness, I could not live with someone cyber stalking me and laying traps like this. I mean, wtf? This guy has a screw loose.

Out2pasture Sun 03-Apr-16 03:10:29

I would find that trait EXTREMELY unattractive, weak, and immature.
I'd mention it once and if it persevered I'd have to end the relationship.

croon979 Sun 03-Apr-16 03:16:41

OP, do you find your DP controlling in other non-Internet related ways too?

WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 03:31:53

I totally get the diary reading thing! I'm such an open book that I really would talk honestly about anything I post, I love chatting on here because I don't really have close friends (SAHM with childless acquaintances who I wouldn't bother with my problems). The only person I ever get to vent to is my DP.... So when I need to vent about him it's not easy lol. I totally understand that he would need to talk about me with his friends sometimes, maybe I'm overly-understanding though confused

I think it's some weird thought process he has of trying to find out what's wrong and amend it without discussion. But I'm not comfortable with the sheer slyness of it and I agree it's so unattractive. I'm quite distant in the "cuddles and kisses" side of our relationship but it's due to stuff like this that's putting me off.

Honestly I actually couldn't be bothered cheating blush With two young DC (one just a few weeks old) and some post-preggo body issues it's the last thing I'd want. Who has time for that with leaky boobs and a screaming baby hmm

I think the line's been crossed now, broken trust is very hard to recover and my ex was controlling and abusive (had to Snapchat where I was and who I was with all day, would follow me round, make me hand my phone over, etc). croon Not that I've noticed, he's quite and shy and nervous guy with not much confidence. I think after what I've been through he knows I'd kick off if he tried to control me. I suppose in his head I would never find out about this.

WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 03:37:38

I genuinely believe that if I knew he posted in some kind of forum that I wouldn't look, especially if it was his only outlet.

I like it here. I usually spend my weeks speaking almost solely to a 3 year old. She unfortunately isn't so great at advising me on health issues, how to deal with her behaviour and relationship advice grin

croon979 Sun 03-Apr-16 03:38:30

Ok, I was just trying to gauge if we should be concerned about him reading this. It doesn't sound like it. Hopefully it could be a good thing if it convinces him that his behaviour is bang out of order and he needs to amend his ways. However, if the trust is not there now then this is often difficult to overcome.

WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 03:51:36

No he'll probably read this and crap himself and feel guilty to be honest. I don't even know if he'll mention it at all tomorrow when he's seen (currently asleep). Although he needn't bother pulling the "I didn't see because I don't stalk you" crap, because I stooped to his level about 3 seconds ago and unlocked his mobile. A search for my username on here with a page of everything I've posted was literally in an open tab hmm Someone needs to improve their stalking skills.

Half the time i come on here because I feel he isn't interested in anything I have to say sad I agree this might be the kick up the arse he needs.... But I also think it's probably too late now.

I'm not kicking him out or anything at the minute because of the kids, but I'm definitely taking a break from us because I have no intention of falling into anything like I've been through in the past. I don't even know how he could begin to rectify it (insert quote about smashed mirror always having the cracks, etc)

summerdreams Sun 03-Apr-16 03:57:14

Sorry you are going through this walkingblind no advise really just someones listening. I hope things work out better for you.

WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 03:57:24

*Just to add I didn't delve any more than simply unlocking his phone and seeing the open tabs, I don't feel comfortable invading any further than that blush We borrow each other's phones a lot usually but lately if I've gone to check the time/calender/Google something he's snatched it away so why wouldn't I think something sneaky was happening. Worst. Stalker. Ever.

WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 03:58:26

Thank you summerdreams that means a lot to me smile

croon979 Sun 03-Apr-16 04:01:31

So, assuming he says nothing and tries to pretend that he hasn't been cyberstalking...what do you intend to do? Confront him?

tiredvommachine Sun 03-Apr-16 04:01:32

It would be a deal breaker for me.
Sorry flowers

toastyarmadillo Sun 03-Apr-16 04:12:33

Deal breaker leave the bastard.

WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 04:14:09

Yeah croon I'm not one for keeping quiet really, I've already left a message on the fridge (how cliché) in case I'm asleep when he goes to work saying I can't be in a relationship like this. I'll go into more detail when he's read this and it makes more sense. He can't get away with pretending anymore, gonna be a strange day

Jitterybug Sun 03-Apr-16 04:38:54

I would suggest you both google morbid jealousy and see if it fits. What your dp is doing is unhealthy, especially the length of time its been going on, he has issues.

Unfortunately it sounds like you have been here before, you know what you need to do.


WalkingBlind Sun 03-Apr-16 05:15:59

Thank you, I'm actually feeling very guilty at the min for opening his phone. I'd tell him but he'll find out via this anyway. See, I can't lie to save my life lol. After everything I think that's the smallest issue, especially as I had reason to. But it just feels so sleazy and horrid.

Dunno how he handles the guilt confused

0verNow Sun 03-Apr-16 05:28:27

Being stalked on here by controlling STBXH was one of the final nails in the coffin of our relationship. Especially as he did it more than once (and saw my hysterical upset after the first time).

I think you've done exactly the right thing. A man who can't respect your boundaries on line won't respect them in RL either, IME. But - be warned - in my case STBXH escalated when I separated from him to the point where I had to have a lock put on my bedroom door, and he still tries to control everything I do.

RunswickBay Sun 03-Apr-16 05:32:37

Hi Op's dp.
You need to back off with the stalking. It's creepy and controlling. Let her have her own life.

GahBuggerit Sun 03-Apr-16 05:48:34

sounds to me like hes the one whos a cheating twat and is trying to throw shade your way to divert attention

he doesnt sound like a good person op, not even a little bit.

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