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Messed up situation - please help

(13 Posts)
marylinmonroeroe Sat 02-Apr-16 19:06:17

My ex and I ended our relationship just over a year ago and we have an 18 month old dd together. I suffered with postnatal anxiety which eventually lead to the break up because he couldn't cope with me anymore. To be fair, I was a complete mess. I'm better now.

Despite breaking up he's been coming to my house every weekend to have contact with dd and staying over Friday and Saturday, most weekends in my bed I'm ashamed to say. I don't have much family or friends so loneliness has made me do stupid things.

Today I finally put an end to it and I'm realising now that I'm completely alone. He treats me like shit and I just feel exhausted in his company. I could go on forever about what he's like and why we are so bad together but at the moment I just feel so upset and scared. Scared that now he's going to take dd away from me at weekends for contact and scared of being alone. I just want to call him and ask him to come back and stay with me. What do I do sad

OnlyTheStones Sat 02-Apr-16 19:16:39

Good on you for ending it, life is too short to stay in a situation that is making you unhappy.

Could you make some plans to keep yourself busy while he has your dd at the weekend? What did you like to do with your free time before you had her?

BolshierAryaStark Sat 02-Apr-16 19:18:00

No don't do that my lovely, why would you want someone who treats you like shit? You can & will do better.
He's like a comfort blanket, familiar, but you don't need him-you don't need anybody.
You are however going to have to deal with him having your child sometimes-more for her sske than his, if he's a good dad then DD will benefit from a relationship with him.
One day at a time, it will be painful to start with but, despite the cliché, time really is a great healer.
Do you have a good RL friend who can help you through it?

marylinmonroeroe Sat 02-Apr-16 19:26:48

I do have a couple of friends I could speak to but they have no idea that we've still been acting like a couple for so long so in too ashamed to tell them. I just keep thinking how good it would be to go back to how we were in the beginning but I know that's pretty much impossible. It's like he lost all respect for me when he saw what the anxiety did to me. He's never been the same with me since.

butteredmuffin Sat 02-Apr-16 19:34:31

I think you will feel much better if you tell your friends what has been going on. If you lean on them a little, you won't feel so alone.

BolshierAryaStark Sat 02-Apr-16 19:45:05

Yes, definitely tell your friends. There is nothing to be ashamed of-good friends will tell you this & give the support you clearly need.

huskylover Sat 02-Apr-16 20:38:07

Nothing for you to be ashamed of. HE should be ashamed. Yes, he may have your dc on the weekend. But you can use that time to meet friends and date again (when you are ready). Having a break from the dc can be refreshing. Imagine the lie-ins!

marylinmonroeroe Sat 02-Apr-16 21:30:42

He'd never feel ashamed. He never feels sad, guilty or apologetic. He doesn't seem to feel anything. Whenever I cried he'd get angry with me. I need to move on with my life.

Flumplet Sat 02-Apr-16 22:23:19

Good for you marylin!!

I've been there myself, so can relate to how you're feeling. You're worth so much better. Head up high and power on through!!

Zumbarunswim Sat 02-Apr-16 23:57:32

He sounds narcisstic-if he can't support you when you are vulnerable after having his child then you are totally better off without him. I have a 2 year old with my ex and have been doing similar since November (also lonely and scared of future) but he ended things a couple of weeks ago and I'm filling my time with stuff I enjoy , mainly sporty stuff as have let myself go. It also helps lift my mood. I do feel sad and lonely sometimes but the feelings pass and I tell myself that I've learned valuable lessons and next time I'm looking for a relationship I'll be more savvy about picking someone who cares about me. flowers to you - you can get through this

marylinmonroeroe Sun 03-Apr-16 11:27:48

It's like he bullies me but he does it in such a way that I feel like I'm stupid and that I deserve it. He makes me feel small and like I don't know my own mind. Since we broke up I've worked really hard to become more confident and independent but when he visits at the weekend all of that disappears and I'm back to who I was when we were together. He was using me for sex too but I ended that a couple of months ago. I'm not attracted to him anymore and the sex was horrible.

He said I'll never find someone who makes me happy because I expect too much. I don't know if he's right or not.

category12 Sun 03-Apr-16 11:56:39

I think you should get more distance from him. I think you need to stop him coming at the weekends - he has to have contact with the dc outside of your home. Doorstep pickups and dropoff. Maybe have a friend there the first few times at least, to support you and keep it quick and clean.

He can't make you feel small if you stop listening to him.

marylinmonroeroe Sun 03-Apr-16 12:02:57

You're right category. I suppose I just have to get used to him taking dd without me which will be difficult. We're never apart so I know I'll worry.

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