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Feel my mum is being a bit toxic, AIBU and if not, how should I deal with this?

(3 Posts)
Irisrose35 Sat 02-Apr-16 14:22:23

Too scared to post on AIBU.

Background, history of emotional and physical abuse growing up (if anyone saw the thread on here v recently about whether you are smacked at home, I was about 75% of the way to the most difficult stories on there...to give an idea).

Decided not to go NC with DM and DF but did distance myself to try to create a less entrenched, toxic dynamic. Behaviour of both greatly improved. I am mid 30s btw and single.

This is one particular issue that is wigging me out. Perhaps I am being over sensitive so want to know AIBU and if not, what strategies I should use to cope with it.

DM asked me recently what had happened to ex DP who dumped me many years ago and then rather delightfully seem to go on some kind of sponsored shagathon in our shared social circles. I was heartbroken for about 4 years!! I said that I had heard he was engaged to a lovely girl and was very happy. Of her own accord she googled him and found out who the fiancée was. Now, almost every time I see her, she instigates a conversation about them, about how the fiancée is incredibly talented, what she has done in her career etc. etc.

it's very strange, because I am over the relationship and it is nice for him he has found someone but I feel that her going on and on about it and showing such an interest sort of runs me down if you see what I mean. I do feel that thoughout my life she has slightly run me down in comparison to others and this is just another aspect of it. DF has a deadpan explanation - he says she is bored and if she had a job wouldn't do it.

I said to her I'd rather not speak about it and that I found it irritating she had been researching it. She replied, "but you google everyone ... And you should just be happy for them....and you should have stayed friends with him so that you could be invited to the wedding and met some interesting people". This isn't delivered in an aggressive way but I feel it's out of order and get a funny angry, boiling feeling because I think she's being inconsiderate and that is getting in the way of a stronger mother/daughter relationship.

God, sorry this is long and so insignificant compared to most problems on here. Thank you if you've managed to read to the end. Grateful for input.

hotandbothered24 Sat 02-Apr-16 14:37:39

She is being very thoughtless and insensitive. My own mum was capable of saying similar things and had no inkling of the upset she caused. My approach in hindsight would be to keep reminding her you don't want to talk about it and ask her if she means to be hurtful , she is either being provocative or thick skinned but please challenge it , took me too long to do it.

Sgoinneal Sat 02-Apr-16 14:55:09

Yes, a one-line response 'I'm sure you don't realise that what you're saying is hurtful, it was a long time ago' repeated to death will eventually tire her out. If it doesn't, I'd be blunt enough to ask why she is persisting when you've told her these people are of no interest to you any more.

The wider problem is much harder. If you believe she's actually doing it deliberately to watch you feel hurt then you might have to think about whether you are too enmeshed with her opinions (far easier said than done) and perhaps speak to someone about how to stop trying to win her over. Then you'd be on an equal footing - she can make her comments but they won't have the effect on you they do now. Ultimately you have all the power here, even when it feels like quite the opposite, it's worth remembering that.

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