Advice needed please

[Lonelyhour21315]

I have got myself into such a mess and have no one to talk to, I need some advice please!

I have two beautiful children and have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3! Both of my pregnancies were very very rocky and was poorly with especially my last baby who is 19 weeks old. During labour I found out my husband was having an affair for six months, as he text me the first night I stayed in, instead of her - asking to meet up! I was devastated beyond belief, but wanted to make it possibly work. After putting up with the other women vandalising my house and sending me abuse it got too much for me and found solace in a friend I have known for 5-6 years. shortly after speaking for a few weeks he proceeds to tell me he has liked me since the moment we meet and is deeply unhappy in his relationship. I fought this notion for some time and told him that nothing could ever ever happen!!! But as the weeks went on he became my rock and we grew closer. Meeting up for a chat, turned into a kiss, turned into sleeping together! He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. I have never felt so lost in all my life!!!

How could I be so stupid to get myself in this messed up situation?!? I find myself crying most days in despair, not knowing what to do! I blamed my husband for a while but how can I when I am equally as bad!! I felt betrayed that he could be with another women whilst I struggling and nearly died bringing our baby into this world, but I do love him stupidly!! I also care a lot for the other man and I've tried to break it off with both of them several times but both say they need me and I can't leave them. Please please I know I am in the wrong for what I have done but I need to speak to someone before i explode.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Although this has a different heading from the the OP's earlier post it is a DUPLICATE THREAD

Please use the report button to ask mumsnet to delete this one, Lonely.

[Lonelyhour21315]

Sorry I couldn't log into my account properly so I created a new one! Sorry for the confusion!!! Thank you for your reply even just a reply makes me feel better knowing I've told someone!! We did separate for a few weeks and he has changed and made all the right comments. I do think he is truly sorry but do I trust him, no! He uses the kids to make me feel like I'm stopping him from being a good parent, if he is not here with us 24/7. I'm so lost its untrue x

[goddessofsmallthings]

As you've replied on your duplicate thread, Lonely, could you copy and paste your response on your earlier thread and ask mumsnet to delete this one otherwise confusion will continue to reign.

[Lonelyhour21315]

In sorry I've asked them to delete the old one now, I'm new to this I've never used a forum before I'm sorry 😭

[goddessofsmallthings]

Are you saying that you've asked mumsnet to delete your original thread on which I posted the following?:

What your husband did is inexcusable, but what you did is it some extent understandable in that post-partum hormones most probably propelled you into the arms of the other man whose behaviour is also inexcusable as he took advantage of your vulnerable state of mind.

The om isn't so much a "rock" as a crutch and until you ditch him you won't be able to walk unaided. Send him back to the woman he's deceiving and block him from being able to contact you by phone/email. If he accosts you when you're out and about, tell him you want nothing further to do with him and that if he persists you'll regard it as harassment and make contact with the police.

When did your h end his affair and what, if anything, has he done to convince you that he is genuinely remorseful for the hurt he's caused you?

Have you separated from your h and are you living alone with your dc? If not I don't see how you can "break it off" with him in a manner that will serve to convince him that your marriage is over unless you file for divorce.

[Lonelyhour21315]

Yes, but thank you for your reply. He is still currently living here after a short spell at his families house. He is trying and putting effort into making us work, but it just feels like I have so much anger and upset. That he did it when I was at my lowest point, he ruined my babies birth. Which was horrific without all this too. But now the guilt I feel towards both men is so bad, I don't know which way to turn. I can't carry on an affair as I'm disgusted in myself, but I feel like if I stay with my husband, people seem to have the opinion of it will never work and that I'm weak. I'm torn no matter what I do

[loveyoutothemoon]

Sorry you're in this situation. Sounds like you can't forgive your husband.

Give them both up. How can you possibly see someone else when you're still in love with your husband? Be on your own. I couldn't forgive my husband if he did that.

[Lonelyhour21315]

I'm struggling, why do we think we know ourselves? I thought up until 3 months ago there is no way I would ever ever cheat and look at me!!! I feel like I've betrayed myself for losing my blooming standards!!! I do love my husband I think ( messed up as it sounds) but I got sucked in to compliments and the thought of some ind out there loving me. I do care a lot of the other man but it's just too messy! I'm ruining a family just like my husbands but on the side did to us. I have tried so many times to calling it off and I just get hounded and crying phone calls which is not like him, so it gets me worried how much I'm hurting him 😫 Such a mess I feel like running away and crawling under a rock where I deserve, if it wasn't for my gorgeous children, they keep me going no matter what

[goddessofsmallthings]

You can rid yourself of any self-disgust you are feeling by the simple expedient of ridding yourself of the om to whom, despite the fact that he presented himself as a knight in shining armour and served as a lifebelt to a drowning woman, you owe nothing as, essentially, he's cut from the same cloth as your philandering husband.

Alternatively, you could divorce your h and take up with the om but, given that the om has had no compunction about cheating on his SO, you'd be going from the frying pan into the fire as, by having an affair with you, he's demonstrated that he's another who can't be trusted to keep his flies zipped and you'd be forever wondering what he was getting up to when he's out of sight.

I would suggest you dump this pair of cheating fuckers but, as you've expressed yourself as 'loving' your h, I very much doubt that you currently have the clarity of mind to see that neither of them are conducive to your present or future happiness.

Those who hold the opinion that "it will never work" if you stay with your h may be right, but that doesn't negate the fact that you have the right to determine whether it is possible to salvage your marriage even though this may mean that this may, effectively, be the equivalent of throwing good money after bad.

You may, be "weak" at the moment, but there's no reason to suppose that you won't be in a position of strength once you've cut ties with the om and are intent on giving your marriage your best shot, albeit that you subsequently discover that the target is unattainable.

There's no cause for you to hold any feelings of "guilt" towards these two men, but both of the them should be feeling guilty about the way they've treated you.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Gosh poor you.

"How much I'm hurting him" ?? He hurt you by meeting up with another woman and messaging you whilst you were in labour, that is the lowest of the low. And you've only done this because he hurt you. Don't minimise his behaviour.

I suggest you have a few days/weeks apart to figure out what you want to do.

[goddessofsmallthings]

I have tried so many times to calling it off and I just get hounded and crying phone calls

This is harassment; make it clear to him that any further calls etc will result in you reporting him to the police. Don't answer the phone when you see his number, hang up immediately if he's calling from a number that's unknown to you, or change your number..

[Lonelyhour21315]

I think the best thing is to not hurt another women like I've been hurt and to cut ties with the other man! I need to try to focus on my marriage and stop pretending it will go away. I can't tell you how much it feels of relief, just to be able to tell someone what is going on! It's hard to see clarity when you have no one to talk things through. Maybe that's a problem with me and my husband. We've started talking more but I find myself so distant from him when I'm seeing the other man. I don't know how people can't switch off and split them selves in two. I'm definately a one man only kind of women and I need to get back to being me and stop making myself miserable. How do I break it to him??? The other man? I've tried so cut ties it's bloody hard, do I just taper it off slowly or just tell him to stop now.

[Lonelyhour21315]

Can switch off*

[goddessofsmallthings]

Tell that there's no prospect whatsoever of the pair of you having a future together as you love your h and have deteremined to make your marriage work.

Once you've delivered this message by text or phone, but NOT in person, if continues to make contact with you tell him that you have no intention of seeing him again and you'll report him to the police if he doesn't stop calling you.

[Lonelyhour21315]

He so blind sighted that all he sees is how I've lead him on and hurt him it's impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel

[TheDetective]

Lonely, I've been and am still in the position of having a cheating husband with a baby (and toddler).

I'm 17 months in to finding out of his affair. I was 13 weeks pregnant when he left.

In that time I turned away from wanting a relationship. I knew my baby was my last child, and I was determined to let NOTHING ruin the experience for me. They are small for such a short time.

If I could give any advice, it would be to enjoy your children, and try to forget about these men.

For what it's worth, my ex has been an utter shit throughout, and ran away from everything, including his own children. I stopped loving him around 6 months ago.

Recently, something changed in his behaviour, and I find myself reconsidering my options.

It might be that your marriage is salvageable. But that takes time.

Just enjoy your baby.

[huskylover]

Unfortunately, I don't think it will work out with your "D"H. He betrayed you by cheating, but not only that, he was playing away, at a time you needed him the very most. I can't see him ever being faithful, so in my opinion, you will be throwing good years after bad with him. I speak from experience, and many wasted years on a cheat who would never change. They don't I'm afraid.

Personally, I would give it a go with the OM.

Don't feel guilty about cheating on your H - he did it first. He broke the bond, not you. As far as I am concerned, as soon as he shagged someone else, all bets were off.

[Lonelyhour21315]

Thank you thedetective I'm so sorry this happened to you!! You are so right, I looked at my baby the other day who is growing so quick and just thought, I've wasted precious time already, that upsets me to think I've done that because of my selfishness!! I hope your ok and you deserve so much better than someone who could walk away from you and your children. That's the only credit I can give my husband, he's a good dad, just wish the didn't put himself first before them at times like getting his end away!! I need to end the other man 100% I know that now! The rest I suppose will either work or won't!?! I can't carry on this double life it's awful awful experience I wish I had never been stupid enough to enter 😫

[Lonelyhour21315]

Is it possible to love two men at the same time???

[goddessofsmallthings]

It is possible but you don't love the om.

You've been using him as salve for your bruised ego with no thought to the hurt you've caused his SO, or the potential for hurt if she doesn't know that he's been shagging you.

While it may be understandable to some that you allowed yourself to drop your morals with your knickers others will be aghast that, after experiencing first hand the hurt and pain of having an adulterous h, you've had no compunction about inflicting it on another woman who, no doubt in common with the self you once were, doesn't deserve such a betrayal.

You're only claiming to love the om because it's more palatable to think of yourself as being hopelessly in love with him than see yourself as a heartless tart who's using him as an ego boost.

I suspect that you're driven by a need to punish your h's ow but, as she's out of reach, you've settled for making the om's SO feel as bad as you felt when you discovered the extent of your h's infidelity.

You hare it within your power to end this affair now; all you have to do is stop acting like a limp dishrag, look at the faces of your innocent dc, and recover your morals as well as your backbone.

Please understand that, although my words may seem harsh, I'm merely summarising the situation as I see it and I suggest that you take a long hard look at the person you've become and take steps to rediscover the person you truly are.

[Lonelyhour21315]

This poor an innocent other women has had affairs behind his back and even had another mans baby but passing it off as his own! So don't tell me I'm hurting another innocent women because she certainly isn't!!!!!

As for making out that Iam a 'limp dishrag' and I am weak, I think you need to look long and hard at yourself, that if you get thrills out of speaking to someone like crap- who is merely seeking advise, then I believe you are the weak 'limp dishrag' who has to hide behind a computer and nasty comments. I don't care for myself as I know who I am and that I have done wrong. But there maybe someone out there one day, who unfortunately may have the misfortune of recieving your pitiful 'advise' and may not be strong enough to see through the nasty hatred you just portrayed me to be, and it may just push them over the edge!!! I suggest you take your 'harsh' summary else were as I do not care to hear it!!!!

[Vintage45]

I think you need to end things with both.

Don't justify doing the same thing.

[Lonelyhour21315]

That's exactly what I'm trying to do but my husband won't leave unless I buy him out of my property and the om said he won't let me go and won't listen to me and what I have to say! I'm trying to do the right thing but neither of them are listening

[Vintage45]

Why do "you" need them to listen? Do what you have to do.

[Birthgeek]

the om said he won't let me go and won't listen to me and what I have to say!

He cannot force you to stay with him, can he? Or are you tied up somewhere?

If you actually want to end it, you tell him it's over and not to contact you again. You block his number, social media accounts and email. If he contacts you in another way, you tell him that this is his final warning otherwise you will report him for harassment. If he continues to contact you, the police get involved.