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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please please help!!!

(11 Posts)
Elacul87 Sat 02-Apr-16 12:11:00

I have got myself into such a mess and have no one to talk to, I need some advice please!

I have two beautiful children and have been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3! Both of my pregnancies were very very rocky and was poorly with especially my last baby who is 19 weeks old. During labour I found out my husband was having an affair for six months, as he text me the first night I stayed in, instead of her - asking to meet up! I was devastated beyond belief, but wanted to make it possibly work. After putting up with the other women vandalising my house and sending me abuse it got too much for me and found solace in a friend I have known for 5-6 years. shortly after speaking for a few weeks he proceeds to tell me he has liked me since the moment we meet and is deeply unhappy in his relationship. I fought this notion for some time and told him that nothing could ever ever happen!!! But as the weeks went on he became my rock and we grew closer. Meeting up for a chat, turned into a kiss, turned into sleeping together! He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. I have never felt so lost in all my life!!!

How could I be so stupid to get myself in this messed up situation?!? I find myself crying most days in despair, not knowing what to do! I blamed my husband for a while but how can I when I am equally as bad!! I felt betrayed that he could be with another women whilst I struggling and nearly died bringing our baby into this world, but I do love him stupidly!! I also care a lot for the other man and I've tried to break it off with both of them several times but both say they need me and I can't leave them. Please please I know I am in the wrong for what I have done but I need to speak to someone before i explode.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 13:00:56

What your husband did is inexcusable, but what you did is it some extent understandable in that post-partum hormones most probably propelled you into the arms of the other man whose behaviour is also inexcusable as he took advantage of your vulnerable state of mind.

The om isn't so much a "rock" as a crutch and until you ditch him you won't be able to walk unaided. Send him back to the woman he's deceiving and block him from being able to contact you by phone/email. If he accosts you when you're out and about, tell him you want nothing further to do with him and that if he persists you'll regard it as harassment and make contact with the police.

When did your h end his affair and what, if anything, has he done to convince you that he is genuinely remorseful for the hurt he's caused you?

Have you separated from your h and are you living alone with your dc? If not I don't see how you can "break it off" with him in a manner that will serve to convince him that your marriage is over unless you file for divorce.

TheNaze73 Sat 02-Apr-16 14:15:44

So, if a bloke cheats we're happy to say its ok, it's his hormones......? Sure that'd go down well. Sorry but, I think what you've done is equally as bad

NerrSnerr Sat 02-Apr-16 14:24:48

I don't think there's any future with your husband. I can't see you getting past that. You need to leave your husband, then you can see who you like. Is the other man married or in a relationshi?

NerrSnerr Sat 02-Apr-16 14:26:21

Oh I see he's in a relationship. You need to end it with both men n my opinion. I would also get checked for STIs as both you and your husband have had sex with other people.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 14:27:40

That's not what I've said, Naze, but in any event neither your comments or mine will be recorded for posterity here as this is a DUPLICATE THREAD that the OP has asked mumsnet to delete.

TheNaze73 Sat 02-Apr-16 14:49:51

Ok goddess Sorry that I misinterpreted what you'd said

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 14:58:06

No apology needed, Naze.

Lonely's other thread is here - different heading but same OP: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2605449-Advice-needed-please

mum2mum99 Sat 02-Apr-16 15:54:03

What a mess love. The one you wanted went away and you ended up with another one. You need to regain control and figure out what you really want. Maybe if you step back you will be able to know where you are?
Would you want your husband back if he did come back? Do you still want him if he is back now? And mostly would you be able to forgive him?
Is the other man second fiddle in your heart? Was he just here to fill the gap for some insecurities caused by DH leaving?
I would say just after having a baby, with hormonal ups and downs, it's not the beat time to think clearly.
Good luck flowers

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 04-Apr-16 09:43:47

I think you should cool it off with the other guy. If he knows you very well already he will respect your wishes to either sort out your relationship or separate. I don't know alot about separation but it might not go in your favour in court if they know this. And your dh could use it against you. I hope it works out for you whichever way

ricketytickety Mon 04-Apr-16 09:50:23

You need time by yourself to get your esteem back. Other guy should have left you alone whilst you were vulnerable. They both lack respect for you. That's their fault, not yours. Be firm and tell them both to leave you be for now.

It's common to fear being alone, but once you get over the jitters it is bliss knowing you can live without men. And that actually life is good when people who mess you about aren't in it. It will help you make the right choice later on.

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