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I need to remember why I'm doing this

(8 Posts)
wishicouldseethefuture Sat 02-Apr-16 11:22:05

I'm at the point of taking steps to separate albeit I'm yet to have the talk with DH. The point of this thread is to remind myself why on the occasions when DH actually does something 'nice' - such as make a cup of coffee, which I realise is really a very small thing but seems like a big deal given he does little else in the house/for me.

So notable things to remember why this is the right thing to do:

- he is rubbish with finances, very much still a whatever attitude to debts/fines etc. self employed and no control or desire to ensure money is in to pay rent etc. I paid for his training c8k then ended up having to use most of the sale proceeds from my property to pay off debt.
- anger. Storms out of the house / breaks things in anger. Harsh with dc - little patience with them and pro smacking which I disagree with. Two big memories that stick - one when I was holding first baby in arms and he was drunk standing in my face and having a go; the other the day after coming out of hospital with2nd dc - having been in for a week with difficult birth - and he argued with me re getting 1st dc ready for school, ended up throwing lunchbox at wall of house outside in anger at me.
- very rarely helps with housework or dc unless I ask. Treats me like a maid - puts dish / cup on clean counter after I've just cleaned up, dirty washing on floor etc. no respect/no equality.
- never cooks, he eats rubbish and often makes himself something without thinking of the dc
- rarely showers, wears same clothes for days, never brushes his teeth
- rarely wants to do anything with the dc - when we go out to eg. theme parks it's pointless as he just moans about queues.
- drinking. Whilst he has given this up, no doubt that he will start again at some point and he has no self control in terms of stopping at a few.
- no support for dc if ill - always me that has to take time off work/ sort them out if sick / upset at night etc.

Overall I may as well be a single parent but happy.

I've contacted a solicitor and have a timeline in my head for next month or two subject to what solicitors advice is but I need to remember at the points where he does the odd nice thing in case I question myself that this situation is not a good one to bring my boys up in. DH has it within him to be nice on occasion but that isn't enough. I am not happy. I should not put up with this anymore.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 12:04:40

Harsh with dc - little patience with them and pro smacking which I disagree with

This ^ together with "he eats rubbish and often makes himself something without thinking of the dc" and "rarely showers, wears same clothes for days, never brushes his teeth" would be more than sufficient for me to regard any "odd nice thing" this revolting creature that passes for a man does with complete indifference.

As I see it, it's not a question of you not putting up with this anymore so much as WTF have you put up with it for so long?

I suggest you make your timeline for divorce "yesterday" as it can't come a moment too soon for your dc.

grounddown Sat 02-Apr-16 12:12:12

This sounds similar to my ex, although we weren't married so no solicitor involved.
I put money aside for a few months and rented a house, 2.5 years later I'm so much happier.
You are doing the best thing for you and your DC

wishicouldseethefuture Sat 02-Apr-16 12:25:24

I agree i should have done this a long time ago as the list of things aren't recent obviously. The dc are top of my priorities and the main reason for taking steps because I'm not prepared for them to either be treated like this for any longer or for them to follow his example of what a man / relationship should be. Why haven't I done it sooner - doubt/fear/circumstances, ultimately I don't know and believe me I am critical of myself in this respect.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 13:18:29

My comment with regard to wtf you've put up with this deplorable state of affairs for so long wasn't intended to be harsh and, as a seasoned procrastinator, I understand how inertia can overtake the need for action.,

However, as I couldn't work with anyone whose personal hygiene leaves much to be desired, nor would I socialise with them, I'm mystified how anyone could tolerate having an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't even pay lip service, or tooth service as the case may be, to bodily cleanliness.

Please tell me you don't share a bed with him before my breakfast makes a reappearance,

goddessofsmallthings Sat 02-Apr-16 13:25:14

Are you renting or buying?

Have you made your feelings known to your h and is he aware that you intend to file for divorce?

wishicouldseethefuture Sat 02-Apr-16 13:32:26

He wasn't that way when we first met certainly. I'll fully admit my focus has been on the dc in recent years, there's been no personal relations so to speak for about three years and no we don't share a bed - all gripes he has with me at present since he raises it occasionally. Generally we haven't kissed for years as yes the teeth / oral hygiene turns my stomach. It's not pleasant and before then when we did have a physical relationship still I would have to ask him to shower/brush teeth before I was prepared to do anything. That sounds ludicrous when I write it I know, I don't know when it all changed/he changed in terms of hygiene/laziness because as I say he wasn't like that when we met. God I'm such a mug in having put up with this.

wishicouldseethefuture Sat 02-Apr-16 13:36:41

We currently rent - we were thinking of buying in the near future but I've obviously ruled that out. I could buy on my own but need the legal advice before I decide what to do in terms of future arrangements.

My DH knows things aren't right. We've had numerous discussions re finances/discipline of the dc/his anger but no I haven't mentioned divorce. I'm pretty sure he will react like it's out of the blue as I said to him the other day we need to talk and he reacted as if what do we need to talk about?!

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