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Mrs Brown's Bastarding Boys

(77 Posts)
owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 21:46:22

Just need a hand to hold really.

I left my emotionally abusive relationship on Monday, myself and DS are staying with my elderly parents.

All was ok ish for the first few days as I was working nights and DS was with his DF (my ex-ex DH, not latest arse), but I'm drowning today. DS returned from his DF's and has been just a bit difficult (going straight on iPad, not listening, not tidying up after himself etc) but I'm on mega-ultra alert as I'm trying not to impede on my parent's home too much as they have already moved furniture and sleeping arrangements for us to be here.

The house is a tiny 2 bedroomed house with one bathroom so we are literally on top of each other.

I'm having a major wobble right now as bedtime was challenging to say the least (DS lied about brushing his teeth, and tonight is the first night we've all been here, so we are struggling with camp beds, sleeping bags etc) and I'm now hiding in my parents room as they have the TV on soooooooo loud downstairs with Mrs Brown's Boys blasting out. I'm also acutely aware of my DM's level of alcohol dependency this evening, and after 5 days of wanting to rip my lungs out from the amount of passive smoking I'm doing, I'm ready to go and live under the nearest bridge.

I'm so appreciative that they have put us up, but my god - this is harder than I thought it would be sad

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 21:58:30

Oh no, sounds awful. Am hand-holding. At least it won't always be like this... What are your next steps?

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 01-Apr-16 22:05:42

Do you have some plan that you can focus on?

In the meantime, do you have or can you buy some headphones and listen to the radio/podcast at bedtime?
Crack windows downstairs whenever you can and disappear to your room early evening with a book or "paperwork".

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 22:07:57

Thankyou, plan a bit sketchy at the moment - I need to bide my time until ExDP's DS finishes his GCSE's to put the house on the market...once it it sold, I can buy myself as many bridges as I want to live under grin

I've registered with the local council for accommodation and printed off an application for a housing association. Not sure if I'll get anywhere as I'm a home owner (50%) and chose to leave.

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 22:21:18

Good luck! I reckon if you can get through these initial few days it will become mildly tolerable.. With lots of time outside of the home!

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 22:37:44

WTF? You own half the house but your ex's son gets to live there to finish his GCSEs whilst your son gets stuck on a camp bed sharing with his mum in a smokey house?!

Please tell me that the GCSEs are being taken in the next couple of months?

If your ex wants the benefit of staying out then can't you as a couple balance that benefit out with you paying half each on the cheapest 6 month rental you can get?

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 22:38:38

Sorry, that sounded really down about the camp bed and sharing... needs must, and it's not that bad. I just mean in comparison to your ex sitting pretty.

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 22:40:10

I suppose if it does put you higher up the housing list better to stay put. But otherwise, with time to sell you're looking at 6 months. Can you take a mortgage holiday prior to sale or go interest only for short period to afford a rental place? Paid for by both of you.

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 22:41:01

Why can't the house go on the market NOW?
I get he may not want to move his son just before exams, but that doesn't stop the house going on the market.

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 22:57:30

Cabrinha, Thankyou for your replies - I know how shitty it all sounds and it's just the tip of the iceberg sad

ExDP chose to leave his job 5 weeks ago therefore I'm paying for everything. I've always been the higher earner but there was nothing left over at the end of the month as it was, let alone now. I've been doing ALOT of overtime to make up the shortfall. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but ExDP has quite literally no one within 200 miles who could help him out and ExDP's DS is in the process of doing his exams. I planned to stay until the exams were done (I don't want to ruin the poor kid's life) but it was intolerable and I left with nothing on Monday on my way to work (the least said about my lack of clean knickers, the better!). I've now got enough stuff for myself and DS for the next few days/weeks (?) and can collect my OFRS (not much point in one of those if you don't actually pick it up as you leave!!) tomorrow when the house is empty.

DS seems to be comfortable on the noisy camp bed and has slept though the ten o'clock news at 20 million decibels. Everyone tucked up in their little pigeon holes now...I'm such an ungrateful cow sadsadsad

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 01-Apr-16 22:59:47

Is his name on the mortgage?

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 01-Apr-16 23:00:24

You're not ungrateful, it sounds fucking shit flowers

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 23:04:16

You're not ungrateful, it's just not where you expected or wanted to be.
Your lad will be fine.
And sounds like you're better in the noisy smokehouse than with an arsehole ex!

Stop paying for everything.
Pay only that which you can be taken to court for.
Mortgage and any loans in your name. That's it.
Have you called the council tax yet? You can be super helpful and let them know to send him the single person discount form.
Please, don't pay for everything - why the hell should you?!

Speak to a solicitor about getting your sole contribution to the mortgage post split recognised as 'buying' you more equity.

And get the house on the market NOW.

Who cares whether he has friends around to help? I didn't when I divorced. He can man the fuck up and get a job, no?

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 23:04:23

Both names on the mortgage but I want to keep paying it as I'd quite like to be granted a mortgage in the future.

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 23:08:18

I filled in the online form for single occupancy reduction today. I've put his details as the occupier but my email so they can confirm with me. Don't know if that was the right thing, but it didn't read right any other way. I'm paying the bloody thing, I'd quite like a discount wink

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 23:09:07

Yes, definitely need to keep paying it!
But as I say - tell him that whatever split of equity you make eventually, he will then owe you 50% of mortgage paid since the split, to be deducted from his share.
And talk to the bank about payment holidays (be sure to confirm it won't affect credit rating) or temporary interest only.

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 23:10:07



Get your name off it, and stop paying it.

Cabrinha Fri 01-Apr-16 23:12:06

Did I say that loud enough? grin
Confirm with the council that you are definitely not the occupant, and stop. It's a priority debt as they have powers to go to CCJs quickly, so do speak to them in person before you stop.
But sort that out first thing Monday. You're working overtime to make ends meet, and paying his sodding bills. No!!!!!

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 23:13:28

Thankyou - I didn't know I could ask to be paid back what I'm covering! Will make enquiries on Monday.

I'm planning to ring the mortgage provider too (documents in OFRS, OFRS not currently acting like this is an emergency!) as I know ExDP won't tell them that our circumstances have changed somewhat. He hasn't even told his family that he's jobless!!

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 01-Apr-16 23:15:32

Any other bills you can get your name removed from?

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 23:17:52

All fabulous advice, thanks! Minor spanner in the works as all of the bills are paid out of a separate account which I don't have access to so he can pick and choose what gets paid once my money is paid in! Good god, I am so naive!!

Will ring the council on Monday confused

owlsocks Fri 01-Apr-16 23:20:28

Armfullofroses, Thankyou - how do I go about that?

I'm (quietly banging my head on the wall here - you wouldn't know that I'm actually quite an intelligent person normally!!)

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 23:21:49

Notify all utilities to remove your name from the accounts and stop paying into your 'bills' account.

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 23:23:00

You call the utility company and tell them. They send you a final bill to your new address and your ex will get letters in the post to set up his own accounts

ArmfulOfRoses Fri 01-Apr-16 23:23:57

Well just anything that is solely in your name or joint names, utility/sky/TV licence/Internet etc you could just contact and helpfully inform them that you have moved out.

Get your salary paid into a different account and set up direct debits for anything remaining, namely the mortgage.

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