Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Depressed Ex

(9 Posts)
13shadow Fri 01-Apr-16 20:09:39

My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about 2 months ago. I love him more than anything, we had plans, we love each other so much. He'd become depressed about 7 months ago and gotten worse every day. The medication wasn't working and he was becoming more and more distant. I knew he didn't feel anything anymore. He couldn't feel happy, didn't really feel sad, just empty. For the month before he ended it, he wouldn't touch me, or look at me, but he avoided everyone, not just me. He talked about things only when I asked and broke down a few times about how he didn't want to wake up anymore, or saying he's scared about the future, he can't picture anything anymore.

He ended it saying he didn't want to drag me through hell anymore, he still really loves me, but I deserve better. And I tried to tell him I wanted to be there for him but he just kept saying he wasn't good enough.

Since then we've kept in touch and I still text and go to see him. I'm still there for him because I know that no one else is and he doesn't talk to anyone else about what he's going through. We've been sleeping together since we broke up. I still love him and I know he still loves me -- he still says he does, but he can't drag me through what he's going through.

My friends are telling me to break off all contact but I can't. I can't move on because he means so so much to me, and it feels like there's still a chance we might get back together. I tried to tell him what my friends said and he just broke down. He doesn't want to stop talking to me as much as I don't. He says he doesn't want to move on either, he doesn't want to see other people, he just wants to get better. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do. Is it bad to keep seeing him? I can't just leave him to go through this alone.

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 21:08:10

You haven't broken up. Other than encouraging him to seek an effective solution, there's not much you can do to help him.

He could try: different medications, different therapists - an excellent book called 'reasons to stay alive' by Matt Haig.

But- he isn't well. At present he is unable to properly commit to you or treat you well, as he's barely able to cling on, himself. I'd try to stop the sex as that may blur the boundaries.

Be a good friend if it doesn't hold you back. You may or may not resume a healthy relationship. He may or may not get better.

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 21:10:29

That is to say - he will probably be able to get better if he finds the right therapeutic approach. He talks to a counsellor?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 01-Apr-16 21:12:46

What is he doing to address his depression? What medication was he prescribed and has he told his GP it's not working? Has be been referred for counselling, or is he receiving therapy following a referral?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 01-Apr-16 21:17:07

He needs medical attention. The best thing you can do is go to the GP with him or at least get him out for walks maybe buy him some vit D and St Johns Wort

13shadow Fri 01-Apr-16 21:26:22

He's taking Sertraline, just started on a higher strength. He was going to counselling but it wasn't helping much and he's been referred for CBT but the waiting list is really long. I have been to the GP with him in the past, and have made him go back since. He's just really not motivated to do anything at the moment.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 01-Apr-16 23:57:14

Sertraline is more 'uplifting' than many antids but it'll be 2-3 weeks before he benefits from the full effect.

If he doesn't often go outdoors during daylight hours he could be deficient in vitamin d and the most effective and pleasant of supplementing this vitamin is DLux 3000mg Oral Spray which you can buy on eBay for a modest sum.

It's safe to take a vit d supplement with Sertraline, but please note that St John's Wort shouldn't be taken with any antidepressant drug..

13shadow Sat 02-Apr-16 08:35:17

Thanks, but I'm not really looking for advise on depression, I am quite aware of the help he needs but since we're no longer together, there's not much I can do about it. I just don't know if by seeing him I am holding him back. I don't know if it's healthy or fair on either of us. I can't pretend to just be friends when I still love him, that's hard for me, he knows that.

Funko Sat 02-Apr-16 08:50:47

Google 'depression fallout' message board and Anne Sheffields books. The message board was a lifeline for me for two years. Take your time and read a lot.... My personal advice is to walk away. Sounds harsh but I continued to put myself through it over and over again until I was as shell of myself. All because I loved him... Be kind to yourself.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now