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Not being monogamous

(13 Posts)
jouu Fri 01-Apr-16 16:49:44

Have name changed. I left an EA marriage last year and am happily dating again. I'm 32 with a DS4.

Since the new year I've had a couple of men ask me to be exclusive with them and I've refused, nicely, since I feel that unless I am head over heels for a man and I genuinely feel he's proven himself to me over a longish period of time (say 6-12 months?) I'm not going to agree to limit who I spend time with. I think, given my history, this is reasonable. (opinions welcome)

But having come to this decision for myself, it's made me think about monogamy in general. I've never placed a high premium on "faithfulness" in general. I would be more than happy to have a future DP play away as he likes, as long as there's trust and love in the relationship. And I would like to play away too, if I meet someone I like (I'm fairly selective!)

Do you think it's foolish to imagine that a non-monogamous-from-the-start relationship could be happy and functional? Especially a situation where the partners in question don't live together? I'm not prepared to have my son share a home with my hypothetical new partner, for example. Meet them, get to know them, sure... not as "dad" or even as mummy's bf. Just as people. Also, I'm not interested in having more children so that whole part of things is moot really.

I have just been thinking so much about what my values are, what I believe about life... I think that living together, being each other's one-and-only, etc. feels suffocating and dangerous to me. Is it just that I am damaged? Or do you think it is a viable option, living on my own, being in relationships* with possibly a couple of men, all of whom I am fond of or even love, without settling into monogamy? I'm just interested in opinions really, and ideally some stories from rl.

*What I mean by "relationship" is, we spend time together; we share our news/successes/triumphs; we give each other advice; we have sex; if they need something, or I need something, we help each other; if there is a crisis, we are available to each other

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 01-Apr-16 16:54:53

I wouldn't stay with anyone for 6/12 months before we became exclusive. I doubt many people would, whatever the others background issues.

Tiggeryoubastard Fri 01-Apr-16 16:55:48

Just saw you're new and looking for stories. hmm

TinklyLittleLaugh Fri 01-Apr-16 16:57:13

It sounds quite idyllic in a way. Personally I would get too jealous if someone I loved was intimate with someone else. Also I wonder if some of the men you attract into that sort of relationship might ultimately be quite selfish shallow types, rather than free spirits.

On a practical level, I much prefer sex without a condom too.

jouu Fri 01-Apr-16 17:01:41

Tigger, totally understand that that looks dodgy... I have been on mn for many years, and I'm not a journalist, this is a serious question. Feel free to report my post, MNHQ will be able to see my nn change history.

Tinkly, good point about condoms. I don't have sex without a condom ever, even in my marriage that was our BC method, so that point is moot for me personally but I think for many it's a significant thing.

magoria Fri 01-Apr-16 17:04:51

If you and your DP are both happy and have ground rules I don't see any problems.

If one of you only agrees because they don't want to lose the other then it is not right.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings Fri 01-Apr-16 17:10:43

Sounds fine to me as long as everyone involved is upfront, honest and protective of everyone else's sexual health. So just the things all relationships benefit from really!

GhettoFabulous Fri 01-Apr-16 17:13:01

I'm in a non monogamous relationship. My partner is anything but selfish or shallow. You just need to make a distinction between players and the genuinely poly.

Isetan Fri 01-Apr-16 18:08:18

I'm sure there are lots of men who don't prize monogamy either, so you'd best not waste your time and theirs, on those who do. As long as you're on the same page, where's the dilemma?

AllPowerfulLizardPerson Fri 01-Apr-16 18:11:52

It's not the commonest choice, but it's pretty mainstream.

As long as you are clear about what you want, and treat everyone with respect, it's fine.

TheNaze73 Fri 01-Apr-16 19:33:40

There are lots of couples who work like that & it works well for them. Not personally for me but, each to their own

SolidGoldBrass Fri 01-Apr-16 20:32:30

It can work really well. I am in a mongamy-free relationship at present and both I and the man involved are very happy. We started with an understanding that neither of us are monogamous - I am a single parent with a comfortable, though non-sexual, relationship with my DS' dad (who also dates/has sex with people from time to time). When I first started seeing my new man, I wasn't having sex with or dating anyone else but that was more due to lack of time and having previously felt that I was getting on a bit to find any dates at all. However, actually having a bit of sex has a) woken up my libido and b) demonstrated that I am not too old to be desirable, so I have now started OLD to find a few more playmates.
Good luck, OP. As long as you are upfront about what you want, it shouldn't be a problem (OK, there are no guarantees with relationships: you may encounter arseholes along the way - but the thing with rejecting monogamy is that you are likely to be tough and confident enough to dump the unsatisfactory ones quickly., because there are more to play with and less fear of being all alone forever...)

velourvoyageur Sat 02-Apr-16 12:03:32

In theory fine, in practice different in every case.
I thought it suited me perfectly and after all it doesn't. You do learn about yourself though & I don't regret it.

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