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I've hurt my husband and I don't know what to do

(40 Posts)
Cassie2005 Fri 01-Apr-16 13:43:38

Basically around a month ago I added a photo of myself and my sister to my Google account on my tablet, I had this photo elsewhere and I liked it. I didn't realize that when I had set up my android tablet I had also set up a Google plus account, so when I added the picture to my google account it also changed it on all my Google services.
A few days later I got notifications from Google plus, mostly from men adding me or writing to me asking me who I am etc. So I worked out how I could block these people then I changed how my name appears on there and removed my picture but I still got a couple of people writing to me so I basically told them to leave me alone etc. I have had nothing since and thought I had sorted it out until my husband pointed out this morning that I had messages from people, it would seem from people who had previously tried to talk to me asking me where I am.
Now my husband is upset thinking that I have been chatting to men online, when that is not the case. He is hurt and understandably so, if I had seen the same on his phone I would also assume that he was up to no good.
The truth is, I have nothing to hide, the whole family use the tablet. This has basically all come about because 1. I signed up to everything without checking when setting up my tablet. 2. I added a pic that went public 3. I responded to the idiots trying to talk to me and I didn't tell my hubby about it at the time.

I think that's what has upset him too, the fact that I didn't tell him about it in the first place. I should have done but I felt stupid, embarrassed and I worried that he would go mad. However now in hind sight it would have just been better if I'd told him in the first place because now we both feel rubbish and I don't think he will ever feel the same about me again.

I would never do anything to intentionally hurt my hubby / family they are my world.

Fugghetaboutit Fri 01-Apr-16 13:45:52

Tell him to get over it, you've done nothing wrong.

SylviaWrath Fri 01-Apr-16 13:46:43

Thats all a bit nuts. Why would he have any grounds to go mad, or be hurt or upset of any of that? You told him you weren't doing anything inappropriate, the only normal response from him would be: "ok, do you need any help changing your settings etc?"

Why all the unnecessary drama over nothing, from both of you?

SylviaWrath Fri 01-Apr-16 13:47:17

And why do neither of you trust each other at all?

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 01-Apr-16 13:47:46

Sounds like the kind of tall story that would have lots of MNers telling you to LTB the other way round!

FluffyPersian Fri 01-Apr-16 13:47:59

So.. you didn't reply to any of these men, apart from to say 'Leave me alone?'

If not, I think your Husband is really overreacting to be honest. I live with my fiance, I have a Facebook account and Google Plus - I've put photos of myself up there and I've had weirdo men trying to message me and add me 'Hey Babe' .. 'u luk well sexci xxxxxxx' etc etc etc - If my partner is around I might say 'Urgh, another weirdo', but I can't say I make a mental note to tell him.....

Surely you can prove you've not been talking to these men by the types of messages? If there were ones 'Oh, so you like Horror movies TOO?' and you could see an email exchange, I could appreciate why he'd be upset... but if the only thing you said to them was 'Please leave me alone'... then why is he upset?

whatdoIget Fri 01-Apr-16 13:48:24

He's overreacting and punishing you for something that isn't your fault. He needs to think about why he's reacting like this and apologise to you.

Lighteningirll Fri 01-Apr-16 13:51:24

Hmm so you gave firm replies saying it was an accidental posting and you are not single or available and still 'several' of them have messaged again?. You need to show your dh the firm refusal you replied with. Problem sorted.

TheDatingDoofus Fri 01-Apr-16 13:53:34

Surely you can show him the responses from you saying "fuck off you weirdo" etc?

BertieBotts Fri 01-Apr-16 13:57:52

Just show him the messages and then he'll see it was a misunderstanding?

I don't see why he is annoyed that you didn't tell him before. There wasn't really anything to tell. If he is actually annoyed or thinks you have ulterior motives after seeing the messages then he's being controlling and jealous for no reason.

gamerchick Fri 01-Apr-16 13:58:26

I agree, I can't see what you've done wrong confused

Cassie2005 Fri 01-Apr-16 14:04:26

I think that he just assumed that I was chatting to other men online and he is upset because he felt that I should have told him about the first incidences when it happened and he thinks that I shouldn't have responded to them at all because it has given them ammunition which he is right . I don't even use Google plus and didn't realize that I had the account until I got those notifications, all from a picture appearing on it. It is madness and I can understand from an outsiders point of view how ridiculous this all sounds but to me it's not because my husband is upset because of something I've done. I do trust him 100% but I can't say for sure if he trusts me, that's possibly why I am so upset about it because I don't feel that he trusts me and I can't work out if that's because of my own issues or his.

Throwingshadeagain Fri 01-Apr-16 14:07:02

My husband wouldn't give a shit and would start glazing over when I explained about the Google Plus account. He trusts me, he wouldn't care or be interested and it would never occur to me to mention it when it happened, unless I thought it would be a funny story.

TheNaze73 Fri 01-Apr-16 14:07:43

Just reassure him & show him the messages. Ifvit was reversed, treat it exactly the same as you would react

Throwingshadeagain Fri 01-Apr-16 14:09:40

Does he make you feel this guilty about other things that you have done 'wrong'?

Cassie2005 Fri 01-Apr-16 14:11:08

I don't have messages to show him. I blocked the first couple of people and removed the messages, when I say messages I mean that they had posted on the wall not privately. Then the others I just deleted the posts once I knew they'd seen my reply to leave me alone as I didn't want them on there. The only private messages I have had were the ones today from two people who had previously tried to contact me. I didn't realize how many persistent nutters there are out there.

Bogeyface Fri 01-Apr-16 14:11:51

my husband is upset because of something I've done

No he is having a tantrum because of something that someone else has done, by messaging you.

You have done nothing wrong as far as I can see and he needs to grow up!

AnotherTimeMaybe Fri 01-Apr-16 14:16:49

That's odd. He must have had doubts about you before cause that's not how a normal partner behaves. Has he done this before?

ProphetOfDoom Fri 01-Apr-16 14:19:14

Show him how you responded to the messages. Immediately delete or delete & block the persistent ones as you would any spam - you NEVER respond/feed the troll.

Or if for some reason you can't, whack up a nice couply picture of yourself or one that doesn't incite ardent responses from saddos/chancers on the net. Your H needs more faith/trust in you and your abilities to navigate the Internet.

MattDillonsPants Fri 01-Apr-16 14:20:43

You didn't tell him because you thought he'd go mad? Is he usually jealous? Are you scared of him?

I had similar with Skype...I did something stupid with the settings and had loads of men trying to chat. I immediately laughed about it with DH...and we changed it. That's the normal way to manage something like this.

BoomBoomsCousin Fri 01-Apr-16 14:22:19

I think you need a slightly different perspective on this - You're being harassed online and yet, rather than being concerned for you your husband is upset with you. His protests that you did something wrong by not telling him about it and responding to people telling them to leave you alone are ridiculous. Why does he think you are responsible for their bad behaviour? And why would he think you should tell him about every slightly annoying thing that happens to you that you think you've handled?

Presumably, if you only told people to leave you alone, it's fairly obvious from the content of the messages that you haven't been reciprocating with inappropriate responses? What is it that he thinks has actually happened for him to be upset at?

Cassie2005 Fri 01-Apr-16 14:32:00

I wasn't expecting this kind of response I honestly believe that it was my fault, my husband loves me, I'm not scared of him I just know that he can overreact to things which is why I didn't tell him and handled it on my own. I was just looking for some advice for how I can make it alright again. Also he did make a good point that as the whole family uses the tablet the children could have seen the messages that had been sent this morning and replied to them, which he is right but I wasn't expecting anyone to send me messages so I didn't even think about that. Anyway, the whole account is gone now and a new one set up without the Google plus etc so it won't happen again. I think that he is ok with me now but I still feel rubbish. Maybe it's me who has the problem.

MattDillonsPants Fri 01-Apr-16 14:33:30

Yes the whole family COULD have seen the messages but you didn't do it on purpose! FFS how can you believe it's your fault? You didn't KNOW what would happen did you?

SylviaWrath Fri 01-Apr-16 14:37:21

I think that he just assumed that I was chatting to other men online and he is upset

Then he doesn't trust you at all. And since you said you would assume the same about him, you don't trust him at all.
It's all very dysfunctional sounding. Very unhealthy dynamic.

Bogeyface Fri 01-Apr-16 14:39:25

You are the one with a problem, its called your "D"H.

As a PP said, you are being harrassed and his first thought is himself! I wouldnt be wondering how to make it right, I would be going mad at him.

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