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struggling whether I want to leave or not?

(27 Posts)
JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 11:11:08

I will try to keep this short and succinct.
My DP and I have been together for 10yrs next week, we have a 1yr old together.

My DP has always been wonderful to me, helped me massively when my dad passed away and is a great father.

Over the ten years we have had arguments of course, some worse than others, but have mainly escalated because DP suffers from depression and with that comes extreme anxiety. He has been like this since he was a child. Finally when I was pregnant he saw the doctor and they prescribed him a fairly high dosage of anti-depressants. He was on them for about 12 months and came off them Feb of this year. He is now taking a herbal medication called HT 5 or something.

Anyway last night we had an almighty argument he called me all sorts of names from a fucking cow to a cunt and said I am just like my mother (this struck a nerve because my mum was horrid to me as I was growing up, as he well knows) the name calling started because apparently i spoke to him like shit and I always do. This is news to me. I know I can be a frantic when I'm stressed with work and I know I have brought this home in the past but everything is fine at the moment, my recollection of events is very different from his. So much so I am started to think that I am mad.

Today I am getting the silent treatment, he said something to DD and I thought he was talking to me so I said pardon, and he just said I'm not talking to you.

This is happening perhaps 3-4 times a month, and has since the new year. I'm treading on egg shells and i don't know if it's me or him that is the source of tension. I can't carry on like this. Today I am convinced I need to leave him, but I don't know if that's me just being dramatic in the aftermath of an argument or if I mean it?

Can anyone offer me some kind of perspective?
He is such a lovely man and we have spent most of our lives together, I don't doubt I love him, just whether I like him enough to sort this out blushsad

Isetan Fri 01-Apr-16 11:27:13

Watching Daddy being vile to Mummy is a relationship dynamic that no child deserves. You can't 'sort this' on your own, your responsibilities begin and end with limiting you and your child's exposure to your partners vile and childish behaviour.

ouryve Fri 01-Apr-16 11:30:54

Is this since he came off antidepressants?

If so you tell him to get back to the doctor or else that's it.

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 11:32:13

His behaviour is abusive and unacceptable. Don't put up with it. Depression and anxiety is no excuse for his treatment of you.

ouryve Fri 01-Apr-16 11:33:04

Reading again, it's since before then.

One way or another, it has to end. If he won't accept responsibility for that, then you can't have him around you and your child.

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 11:33:39

It's worse for sure since he has come off them, but arguments still happened whilst he was on them, although he wasn't at all nasty then.

He has got me doubting myself though, if I am like my mum I know how awful she was to me and I wouldn't want to behave like that to DP or my DD. I don't think I react like her but he is so absolute in his version of events that I am beginning to think I'm mad. sad

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 11:47:41

Look up gaslighting. This is also abuse sad

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 11:58:18

I am finding it hard to get my head around the fact that DP may be abusing me in some way.

Gaslighting fits his behaviour exactly. I didn't realise that was a 'thing'. I can't talk to him and we only seem to work if I accept all blame for everything. He has never once said sorry for calling me a cunt, he said he had to do that for a reaction, so I realised how upset he was and I listened and apologised...

This doesn't sound good...oh god its worse than I realised isn't it? sadsad

Birthgeek Fri 01-Apr-16 12:13:45

Afraid so... Emotional abuse causes the victim to feel like they are 'going mad'. Please seek out some counselling for yourself, alone. This will help you reflect on your situation more clearly.

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 12:18:58

Oh fuck but how do we even split?

This conversation will not go well at all.

Costacoffeeplease Fri 01-Apr-16 12:21:21

3-4 times a month! 3-4 times a year would be too much!

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 12:33:39

Yes 3-4 per month.

Although it's usually forgotten after a few hours, not necessarily by me though but DP usually moves on quickly, to leave it hanging until following day is a new one

squishy Fri 01-Apr-16 13:43:10

Sorry to hear this - I have similar experience where he forgets about everything bad he's done/said and if I don't drop it/move on, I 'keep digging everything up so he hasn't got a chance of a fair hearing'.

I don't know your solution, I'm sorry. I have to say, though, having just made the decision to end a 19 year relationship with 2 children, that this sort of behaviour is unlikely to stop without significant intervention (and acknowledgement on his part).

MatrixReloaded Fri 01-Apr-16 13:55:21

He doesn't sound lovely.

Having been in a similar situation I would leave now before your dd becomes damaged by it.

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 14:00:06

I think you are right squishy, since we first started 'going out' at 17 yrs old, DP has been like this, although considerably more frequently in recent years, so nothing will change until he wants too.

I thought we had a break through when he decided to go on anti-depressants but arguments continued, although nothing on lasts nights scale.
He still hasn't spoken to me, but I'm not looking for conversation either blush we will talk tonight when DD is in bed, it won't go down well. He isn't just like this with me, I've known him be horrible to his mum and best friend, but as he sees them less they don't get it so often.
I know I have my faults and I should tell him how I feel and how he bothers me but it's often best left unsaid, perhaps I do snap at him more than I realise because I am at the end of my tether, I don't really know. sad

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 14:13:39

No he doesn't on here Matrix- I want to paint a fair picture because he is a fantastic father and DD adores him. As do I when we aren't like this. It just feels constant and I have this headache and I can't seem to see the light through the trees.

ouryve Fri 01-Apr-16 14:17:13

Dear DP,

It's become obvious from the sheer number of times that you've told me so, using very strong language, this year that I don't measure up to your exacting standards of perfection.

To be honest, I'm not particularly enjoying being subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse, on a weekly basis, so for that reason I am going to call it a day.



AuntyElle Fri 01-Apr-16 14:45:56

I don't mean this should excuse his behaviour at all, but coming off ADs can make people feel appalling and may be a factor in his changed behaviour. I know I have behaved awfully when withdrawing. I don't know what the answer is, but it is worth you and him understanding the withdrawal process, in case it is relevant. Obviously you may still need to be apart to protect yourself.
The book Coming off Antidepressants by Joseph Glenmullan is helpful.

AuntyElle Fri 01-Apr-16 15:10:51

But - bottom line - don't blame or doubt yourself. You sound like you are trying so hard to be fair-handed, but don't take responsibility for his unreasonable behaviour.

MatrixReloaded Fri 01-Apr-16 15:15:25

It feels constant because it is. It sounds like it's happening approximately once a week / ten days.

He's not a fantastic father. By abusing you he is abusing your dd. The effects of children witnessing abuse are well documented. It affects her in exactly the same way it affects you. Fantastic fathers don't call their child's mum a cunt and they don't deliberately create a toxic environment for their children.

JeanGenie23 Fri 01-Apr-16 23:41:00

Just an update, I spoke to dp tonight and I asked him why I wasn't up to his standard, what was it he was looking for, why am I no longer good enough, have you found someone else and his face dropped.

Turns out he is being a dick because he has a guilty conscience. He has been talking to this girl on and off since we were first together as teenagers. It's become more frequent, she understands him angry she lives abroad and they haven't met in real life but that's almost irrelevant, he has realised since talking to her that he no longer loves me.

I managed to spit out the words fuck off and move out, so he has, he has gone to his friends house for now but will have to come back for his stuff. Me and DD are going out for the day tomorrow, at some point I will have to think about how we are going to try work this out so that she can still see her dad.

I don't quite understand how I am finishing the day like this.
This morning I had a partner of nearly a decade. Now I don't. I am torn between wanting to hurt him and wanting to beg for him to give it another go.

Birthgeek Sat 02-Apr-16 00:45:52

What a confession! So you can add emotional affair to his other abuse as well.

It's a shock. Take some time. You're better off without though, honestly. Don't go begging him. Would still recommend counselling for you flowers

Josian Sat 02-Apr-16 00:47:07


Don't beg him to come back. He's done you a huge favour by owning up (though honesty at the outset would have been better).

You deserve to be with someone who does love you. Or happily on your own, however things work out for you. You will be okay.

JeanGenie23 Sat 02-Apr-16 06:53:26

I didn't sleep much

I won't be begging I'm too stubborn for that. I do feel like he is throwing our relationship away and I don't understand why he would do that

kittybiscuits Sat 02-Apr-16 07:08:14

Sorry you have had such a horrible shock. The reality of what he will lose is likely to hit him today. Since he is abusive anyway and has been having a relationship with someone else for the duration of your relationship, I would firmly stick to your guns about him moving out in the short term.

He doesn't sound lovely. He sounds vile. He has undermined your confidence and played on your difficult childhood, using it to abuse you. He is high likely to start back-tracking today. The only thing you should consider for yourself is that he stays away for 6 months and you have some space away from this prick so you can start to work out which way is up.

You won't think you will cope without him, but you will. You just need some time to deal with the shock and distance yourself from the whole climate of abuse. flowers

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