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second baby

(7 Posts)
kosh71 Thu 31-Mar-16 23:30:05

My relationship has been on the rocks for a looong time. We do love each other but my DH is constantly stressed and becomes a very difficult person to live with. I am on my own a lot of the time. We argue a lot and I have cried myself to sleep far too many times. Divorce has crossed my mind.
I work full time and we have a 4yo son. I do most of the childcare. He (DH) is getting better but he still doesn't do his 50%, not close. My job is extremely demanding and many times I feel I am about to have a breakdown.
He is now working away 2 days a week and since then has made a lot of efforts re. things that were very important to me. We have spent more time together etc etc. The last months, for the first time in a very long time I felt happy.
As it happens, I am pregnant. Totally unplanned, obviously.
I have no idea what to do.
I am basically looking for positive reassuring stories where a second baby worked in favor and not against a strained relationship. Or am I just being hormonal and delusional?

Cabrinha Thu 31-Mar-16 23:39:15

A second baby will not make your marriage stronger, IMO. Sorry.

But what will make it better, is addressing issues. He's making more effort on things important to you, you're spending time together. That's all good. What caused that? Can you / he keep it up? Why does he still not even do close to 50% of childcare (on the 5 days he's home)

It doesn't sound like you're asking about terminating the pregnancy, so I would say that the way to make this work is to address the problems regardless of the pregnancy. Absolutely do not rely on a second baby becoming your positive story. Your positive story will come from working on the issues in your marriage that are unrelated to the baby.

kosh71 Fri 01-Apr-16 00:27:43

thanks cabrinha

just to clarify - I was not suggesting I could rely on a baby becoming a positive story, rather whether it would be a definite killer, if that makes any sense?
and yes, I am considering a termination unfortunately.

re. why he does not do his 50% of childcare...I guess because he is somehow lazy and I let him get away with it?

TheNaze73 Fri 01-Apr-16 07:45:31

I think the second child will unfortunately be like building a house without foundations. What a sad position to be in. What is the cause of his stress?

PeppasNanna Fri 01-Apr-16 10:02:52

Does your dp know about the pregnancy? Are you continuing with the pregnancy?

Have you & your dh considered counselling?

juneau Fri 01-Apr-16 10:08:29

Bringing another baby into the equation will not improve things. I agree with cabrinha, if you want to have this baby and salvage your marriage the two of you need to work on it right now, before the new baby arrives to take what small amount of energy you now have. Would he go to Relate or similar? It does sound like crunch time for you, so I'd be prepared to throw whatever strategies at it you can to try and give your DC and this new baby a hope of a happy family. He needs to step up and do his share though and he needs to realise that he'll lose you and his kids if he doesn't. Does he realise that?

kosh71 Fri 01-Apr-16 22:17:07

thank you all I appreciate your answers

@thenaze73 - I keep reading your comment, yes, it is so so sad sad. he is mainly stressed about work. he is frustrated. things did not work out professionally as he expected. this is what he says. it is very difficult to tell what else is really going on. he does seem happy now with his new job.

@peppasnanna - yes he knows and doesn't know what to do either but for different reasons. I think he is oblivious to all the issues between us. I would def consider counselling but I very much doubt he'd accept (he refused 6 months ago)

@juneau - I feel it is like a bomb ticking. do we have time to work things out? will they really last? I'd anything but he will def not go to Relate (he used to work there!)

I need a crystal ball.
I feel so so lost

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