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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

how do you KNOW you can move on?

13 replies

ButterfliesinSpring · 31/03/2016 21:31

I think my marriage is over. I don't think we like each other, let alone love each other anymore. We seperated several years ago and we haven't reconciled although we've done the off/on dance several times since.

I'm lonely. I'm scared it will take so long to heal that by then il be past the age to meet anyone, have a family

But I feel like I'm being unfaithful, or it's just not "right" to start looking and being open to the possibilities of meeting someone else.

How do you know for sure, that there's no way back?

I know I'd be devastated if he had a SO anytime soon, but I also don't want to waste my life on pining for something that is over

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QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2016 21:35

It will be over when you close the door on it. Why you won't is only something you can answer?

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ButterfliesinSpring · 31/03/2016 21:44

God knows.

I suppose I hope something will return that I don't think exists anymore.

We've become different people after some stressful life events.

I'm struggling to let go. But I honestly don't think it exists anymore so letting go is moot.

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hownottofuckup · 31/03/2016 21:48

I've spent 5 years, 5 years thinking like that.
Honestly, do everything you can do to shut the door and move on. It doesn't get any better, you just waste years of your life and suddenly wake up and realise it is so damaged you can hardly even remember what you've been mourning/clinging on to for all those years.

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QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2016 21:52

Think of yourself on a hamsters wheel..........round and round you go.......on and on...........and in you will go until you step off it because all you are literally doing is going around in circles - the end result is always the same!

If nothing changes then nothing changes

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ButterfliesinSpring · 31/03/2016 22:12

Maybe I should just bite the bullet and try OLD?

Everyone just seems so "ready" though that route

I want gentle, baby steps, friendship that grows into something perhaps

I don't know how to find that anymore. I don't have any male friends that aren't DHs mates

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ButterfliesinSpring · 31/03/2016 22:19

Argh I feel like I'm betraying DH. I'm not sure I could even kiss someone else. I know DH would be gutted. I'd be gutted if it was him.

But we don't work. We can't communicate nicely to each other. Too much water under the bridge. Yet moving on feels wrong. I so so want to though if there's no way back for us. I don't want to be on my own forever.

3 years is long enough isn't it?

I should just divorce - but I'm not ready. Does that readiness really just never come till you force it?

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Smorgasboard · 31/03/2016 22:41

Join a social group rather than OLD. That way you get to know people first, much better than OLD. No pressure that everyone you meet is for hope of a relationship, just making friends can make you feel less lonely and at the worst, you will get to see and do new things, so nothing to lose .

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ButterfliesinSpring · 31/03/2016 22:58

Where do you find these social groups? I'm so out of touch

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goddessofsmallthings · 01/04/2016 00:22

You seem to be in a self-perpetuating cycle of not being able to live with him but not wanting to live without him.

If you've tried everyting to save your marriage such as couples/individual counselling you should accept that it's over and the best way to effect this will be to divorce. As you've been separated for more than 2 years you can file for dvorce with consent providing your h agrees. If not, you can cite his unreasonable behaviour.

I suggest you use the time between now and obtaining the Absolute to work towards making your single life as fulfilling as possible as looking for another man to 'heal' you while you are in a place of emotional neediness or lonlieness is a recipe for disaster and your desperation may cause you settle for considerably less than you deserve.

In addition, if you're not mentally free and clear of your h before you embark on dating the chances are you'll be comparing the men you meet with him and, although to some extent this can't be avoided, you need a clean slate in order to make a fresh start with a man who you are compatible with.

Take a look at the meetup site or check out local interest groups, such as walking or book clubs to make new friends, and start putting the missing 'zing' into your life.

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Smorgasboard · 01/04/2016 13:55

meetups.com. Cheesy title, but is no more than bunches of people with a common interest getting together to go and do something fun or different - be it walking, eating out or theatre. Others include spiceuk (about £12 a month for that, but you can try it out before deciding to join), there are others too.

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Bree85 · 01/04/2016 15:34

It's really hard to let go of someone whom you have shared memories with, especially good ones. The best thing here is to follow what you think makes you happy.

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Twinklelittlestar1 · 01/04/2016 22:08

I felt so much guilt when I ended my relationship with a partner of 13 years. He didn't want it to be over and I know he struggled for a time and continually tried to contact me.

In the end I was set free from this 'guilt' when he moved on with a mutual friend. It was a sting at the time but I felt more relief than anything else and that's how I knew how I really felt about it and knew I'd done the right thing.

I was able to think about myself after that and I think that's half the thing- when you're with a partner for so long you build your happiness around theirs and take a kind of 'accountability' for their wellbeing. Letting that go was the biggest challenge for me but once I'd done that, once I'd accepted that his happiness was no longer my responsibility, I was able to move on.

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ButterfliesinSpring · 01/04/2016 22:41

Thanks I think il try out some social groups and see what happens. Having more friends is never a bad thing.

A male friend contacted me yesterday (FaceTime) and I totally misread it and thought he was being a bit flirty (he knows the score with DH and I) - he casually dropped in conversation today that he was off to meet his new "mrs" - maybe that's why things don't feel 'right' I'm misreading stuff all over the place thankfully I hadn't commented on his imaginary flirting

I think what would make me happy is being in my old relationship with DH. I don't think that's realistic anymore though. But perhaps I am just in a hurry to recreate something that can't be recreated?

I'm not sure it's guilt or responsibility to DH, I think I'm just still in love with someone who doesn't exist anymore and need to find a way to accept that DH can't ever be who he was before now.