Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Do I really not love my husband or am I being dramatic?(129 Posts)
Right this second I don’t want to be with my husband, I want him to leave and I want to be on my own with our son. But this feeling is quite cyclic, so every 2 or 3 months I go through a week of feeling like this but then it dies down.
We got together whilst I was pregnant, and didn’t really get a traditional start to a relationship as it was quite intense, my son was born and OH decided to be his daddy. We didn’t live together straight away, we moved in together in OH’s home town around 18 months after my son’s birth so after 2 years of being together. We got a married a year later (so 3 years together at this point) and so as of February this year we’ve been together for 5 years. 2nd wedding anniversary later on this year. Oh and husband adopted my son.
I’ve always been bossy and wanting things done my way however over the past year it has escalated. I work full time (quite a high pressure job) whereas OH is at university for about 8 hours a week over a couple of days and then does not work (in order to save on after school childcare). I’m getting more and more demanding and probably quite horrible to my OH. However there is a reason for this….
I resent the fact that I work all day (I do love my job) and when I ask my husband to cook dinner he huffs. He hates having to do it. He huffed yesterday when I said he needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week he needed to clean the house. Now, I will ask him nicely but the more he huffs and puffs, the more I resent him. He says he is joking but he always makes “jokey digs”. He jokes that I seem to have a bigger “allowance” than him. Yes I do. It’s my hard earned money AND most of what I buy is for our benefit. He wants me to do a cleaning schedule because he doesn’t know what to do. How about he takes an active part and looks on the internet instead of playing FIFA all day? I am trying to lose weight because of health issues, he wants to lose weight because he is fat (nowhere near as fat as me). He said if I told him what to eat then he’d eat it. Oh so I need to plan my dietary requirements and his as well?
I’m not attracted to him at all (bearing in mind I know I am very overweight, but just because I am doesn’t mean he has an excuse). I give him cash for a haircut and beard trim (I hate his beard it’s revolting to kiss him and then realise his beard was wet. He licks his moustache rather than wipe it) so he pays £20 for this and then within a week his beard looks a mess again because he is too lazy to keep on top of it. Plus, he leaves beard hairs all over the bathroom
We go to the supermarket, I ask him to pick up something up from a lower shelf, he bends over and his arse crack is there for everyone to see. I mean like 3 inches of it. It is so embarrassing when there are people in the same aisle and I see them shudder. He refuses to get jeans in a bigger size so his smaller jeans cut in under his belly and then he might lift his arms and his stomach pops out. It’s revolting! He also doesn’t brush his teeth and oh my gosh I actually can’t have him face me when he talks to me in the car because it stinks.
Now, I actually feel really awful that I feel this way. If someone talked/felt like this about me I would be humiliated and upset. But I have tried to talk about this nicely with him and I genuinely don’t think he cares. In fact I don’t know how he feels as he never opens up. So overtime this has built up into utter resentment. Instead of going home happy to see him, the first thing I do is walk through the door, see it’s a mess and straight away I flip out. Then I look at him sat on the sofa on his phone and I’m repelled physically and emotionally.
But do I have the right to feel this way when I am overweight and spend my days basically wearing crocs, leggings and a baggy top!!! All the above is making me loathe the sight of him but it’s hypocritical isn’t it? I am losing weight slowly but I’ve had 4 years where I’ve not done anything about it. It’s not until I was diagnosed with an illness that I actually picked my own fat arse up off the sofa and did something about it. He is such a good father, our son probably loves him more than I. And he does care about me, he does want to make me happy, he just doesn’t.
Am I a bitch?
You're not a bitch. You feel what you feel. But the way you evidently feel about your husband does not make nice reading. I think it's time you separated if this is anything to go by. Sorry.
I know it is horrible reading and I don't understand how I can write it/feel it. To feel like this about someone is heartbreaking, he IS my best friend but at the same time I really don't like lots about him. I don't want to talk about it to any of my friends because I don't want to say it out loud I don't want anyone else to see him the way I do. I don't want to hurt him but I feel like even by thinking it I am hurting him. Clearly for me to think nasty thoughts means I'm not a very nice person and I can accept that and work on it. I don't even know if really I hate myself and I'm just projecting it on to him?
You don't love him, in fact you seem to loathe him. But, you know what, you feel how you feel. You're allowed to fall out of love with someone. It is clearly time for you two to separate.
I have been with DH longer than you, and he still makes me melt. To me, he is the most handsome man in the world and I love him to bits. I still fancy him as much as I did at the start. Don't you deserve to be happy? To be with someone who means the world to you?
You sound like different people essentially. I can't see how it could work under these circumstances.
He does sound lazy and i'm like you in that I don't find that attractive.
Is he willing to change do you think?
Would counselling be worth a try?
There are no rights and wrongs in this. Yes you say some pretty brutal things about him, but this is how you feel. I would seriously consider ending things before all this angst spills over onto your DC. You may well find you are both significantly happier out of this relationship.
You deserve all the happiness in the world, so put yourself first. You sound like someone at the end of their tether, not a bitch
End things. It sounds as if you are not happy and you find him revolting, not a good combination! Can you have a talk to him about his personal hygine? Good luck OP x
sunshinesummer - He would be heartbroken if I left him. Despite how I feel about him. I worry that he would sink into a great depression, our son means everything to him. But I deserve to be happy and he deserves to have someone who loves him every second of the day, not just when the house is clean and tidy....
TheBakeryQueen - We are - we have completely different tastes in food, he won't try new food for example whereas I don't like takeaway food like he does. He loves black furniture I despise it. I think he would be willing to change but I would have to leave him for him to realise actually he does need to change. I don't want to blame it all on him, I do feel if he changed that I would be so much more relaxed and enjoy being with him. It just feels like I am completely blaming him. Counselling is probably a good idea.
8angle - What if we aren't happier - I don't want to bounce backwards and forwards all the time. I don't want to break both his heart and my sons heart and then change my mind!
I do really want to work on how controlling I am, but when I take a step back neither of us does anything. I'm completely responsible for paperwork, finances, the whole lot. I need to change but I can't see how.
I don't think any of that makes you a bitch.
Most of it would be deal breakers for me.
Not brushing his teeth. Just yeuk.... Disgusting.
Don't 'settle' because you think you should.
If you don't love him then set him free. Find yourself, build a lovely relationship with your DC and then go from there.
I actually found that to be really uncomfortable reading. If it was a bloke that was writing this he would be chased off.
You sound like a massive hypocrite. You say you are much fatter than him but he has no excuse. What's your excuse? Why are you so fat?
Your Dh looks after your son so you can avoid childcare costs and you bitch and order him to clean the kitchen. Maybe he doesn't brush his teeth/his beard as he has no intrest in you sexually either.
He is not your best friend - he is some one you have no reflect for and you should do him a favour and leave. Your ds is going to grow up thinking it's ok for women to bully their Dh. That's not ok.
You hit the nail on the head when you said you actually hate yourself and projecting on him.
You are not being dramatic it is very clear to say that no, you don't love your husband. The way you described him (I know it's not funny but made me chuckle at parts) sounds like you actively dislike him in fact.
It is normal to have days where your partner really pisses you off and you wish they'd bugger off for a few days. What you described isn't normal though and you were right when you said you deserve to be happy, and he deserves to have someone who really loves him and his
wet moustache ways too.
My OH has never repulsed me and I absolutely 100% adore him even when he makes me want to tear my hair out! Sexiness and fancying your partner isn't the be all and end all but you deserve to feel that way about someone.
If I were you I would ask him to return to work full time, get full time childcare and redress the balance.
See how that works for 6 months. His self esteem must be so low just now.
Would like to clarify I didn't chuckle at your OH, I actually felt sorry for him when reading, it was just the way you described him bending over that tickled me a bit
Her DS is in school.
How is that looking after him all day and where does the OP say that he does this? It's after school care. So yes he is helping with this but not all day.
He is busy 8 hours a week with uni stuff according to OP.
Sounds like he doesn't work so is not earning. So is home a lot of the time and guess what? Yes he's wasting his time on his phone or playing computer games.
So of course he should be keeping his home clean and tidy while she is out at work all day. And he should not need to be told what to do. He should just be getting on and doing what needs to be done. But OP has to guide him every step of the way.
It's what is expected of a woman who is a 'housewife' so why is it different because he is a man?
I actually found that to be really uncomfortable reading. If it was a bloke that was writing this he would be chased off.
I agree, it did make very uncomfortable reading.
You don't love him, that much is clear, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you are not happy in a relationship then don't stay. You are the earner, it sounds as if you could cope on your own.
It sounds as if you have got into a vicious cycle, and are becoming more 'controlling' over what you do and what you expect of him, and the less he achieves that, the more you want. Not that I'm saying you appear to be expecting too much, not when he is effectively a SAHP.
However, I would look at what you have written and imagine if someone said that about you, or acted like that towards you as well. If someone called you revolting, or said they were embarrassed by you, you that as soon as they walked in the door of an evening they immediately start having a go at you?
You do sound incompatible, though, and for the sake of both of you I would split up.
He would be heartbroken if I left him
That's not your problem. I know that sounds harsh, but you cannot spend the rest of your life with someone you despise, just because you don't want to cause them heartbreak. You have to put yourself first.I do understand you will feel guilty. I left my first H and I thought he was pretty heartbroken at the time. He was in another woman's pants before I even moved out. He may not be as upset as you imagine! You clearly aren't affectionate towards him. He might meet someone who thinks he's the bees knees, and find true happiness, in which case you'd have done him a favour.
Separation is the only way forward here.
I think you have got into a very negative cycle re your dh. Once you start having a lot of negative thoughts, it's like you put on negative filter glasses and everything he does becomes negative and all the positive things are invisible. If someone says 'You've got 20 seconds to memorise all the red items in this room' and then shut your eyes. Start to name the red ones, then they ask, "Name a blue one." You won't be able to do it. Actually when you open your eyes there may be quite a few blue objects but you were not looking at them. This is what is happening with your dh. It's very cruel to him too, and you need to stop it, or get out. Because your disdain and resentment will be felt by him, will undermine him more, and he will be even less likely to take initiatives and be motivated.
I think you have your way of doing things, and want him to do it your way, but you don't want to tell him what your way is! You want him to figure it out.
This also struck me: I think he would be willing to change but I would have to leave him for him to realise actually he does need to change. It's all about him changing. I've lived with that attitude of not feeling accepted, or admired, but looked down on and seen as a failure, and yes, you end up acting like a failure too.
I agree, if this was a man writing this about his wife there'd be outrage.
Imagine him reading all of that. How would he feel? I feel really embarrassed for him, it's uncomfortable reading your post.
Also get the impression that you feel you are better than him. Ugh. I get that it must be really annoying to live with someone who's lazy, but to be honest if I was barked at to go and clean the kitchen I'd be packing my bags on principle. You just don't treat people that way.
I think you should separate for both your sakes.
Even reading your post, I could see positive things in your dh
- Dh adopted your son, though he is not own
- Dh did not rush or pressure you to get married quickly, you took time
- Dh cooked dinner despite huffing
- He huffed yesterday when I said he needed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors and by the end of the week he needed to clean the house. If that were me, I'd have shouted at you and left the house for a bit.
- You don't share your money with dh 50:50 because you're working hard but he isn't and he puts up with this
- He's asked you to do a cleaning schedule for him. If only my dh would ever ask that!
- He wants to lose weight and support you in losing weight
- He leaves beard hairs all over the bathroom - sounds like he does try and trim the beard
- He's a great father
Not taking care of personal hygiene sounds like he is depressed and I am sure your attitude is not helping. If you like him, even as a friend, I would support him in identifying if he is depressed, perhaps getting some pills, a volunteer job outside the home, or just a lot of listening on your part.
Ah yes, I didn't pick up on the money thing.
Have you worked out how much you'd be paying out of your 'hard earned wages' if your DH wasn't around to take care of your son? Who would do the school pick ups, a childminder, after-school clubs? How much money is he in fact saving you by being a SAHP?
And yet you don't treat your money as family money?
OH is at university for about 8 hours a week over a couple of days and then does not work
Is that including the time he takes to do his Uni work or just the hours he is physically at lectures etc. I had 8 hours timetabled in my first year of Uni, but I was there full time.
You don't love him any more. I got to the stage in my previous marriage where I couldn't stand anything about him - the shape of his shoulders, the sound of his voice etc. I think when you get to this stage in a relationship you can't make it work because everything he does will annoy you. The respect between you is non- existent.
Don't know about dramatic but he sounds lazy and/or depressed. You are financially abusive and sound emotionally abusive as well. Your marriage is broken. End it for both your sakes and especially for your poor son's.
Join the discussion
Please login first.