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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this ok ?

25 replies

Harrypotter40 · 31/03/2016 09:31

Right, been seeing guy for seven months now. He's got two children a girl and a boy. I've also got two children. Not met his kids, nor he mine.
See him twice a week suits me well currently. He's kind, loving and we get on well.
However he spends quite a bit of time with his ex wife. For example they still go out for meals with other couples, she is having a party he is going, this is itself doesn't bother me as I get on well with ex also.. But he is now talking about them going away for a week in the summer .. I've got to say that this does bother me. He says there is nothing between them and I do believe that but I really doubt I will be able to sit and say nothing about this planned week away !!
Help ! Any advice would be really appreciated..

OP posts:

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TanteRose · 31/03/2016 09:33

are you sure he's not actually still married??

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/03/2016 09:34

Are you on good terms with your ex?

Buzzardbird · 31/03/2016 09:34

How long have they been split? Is it the first time they have holiday'd since split?

QuiteLikely5 · 31/03/2016 09:38

There's no right or wrong here I think it comes down to individuals and their boundaries. The holiday thing looks like it's crossing your boundary...........

Don't know if I would like it either tbh too much sun and booze might go to their heads is the way my paranoid mind would think!

Not a lot you can do about it though if it's the way they operate. Does the ex not have a fella? Bet she wouldn't be going away with your dp then!

heyday · 31/03/2016 09:42

It's great that they get on so well and I am sure it's fantastic for his children but going away for a week together is more awkward. If you are sure that it really is all over between them then you have nothing to worry about. How long have they been separated? If it's a recent break up then romance could possibly be rekindled. You have to talk about this; he must be able to see that you would feel uncomfortable with this arrangement. He needs to listen to you and reassure you. He could be a thoroughly decent bloke who still looks after and supports his family fully or he could be having his cake and eating it too. Only communication and your own character judgement can decide on what sort of guy you think he is. It's great for his family but most future partners are going to be pretty uncomfortable with this arrangement I would think. My ex and I still do lots with our kids; we all spend Christmas day together etc, there is nothing between us now except a joint respect for the other person as the parent of our children and a genuine desire to do the best for our kids.

Joysmum · 31/03/2016 09:49

I think it would be a no from me.

My mum and dad are best mates after their divorce. We all spend Christmases and significant occasions together and they've got each other's backs, but more like a sibling type relationship if that makes sense.

By ALL I mean my step mum is an equal in all of this and often my dad is the odd one out between the 4 of us.

There is no way on earth, even though nobody could ever think there is nothing going on, that my wonderful step mum wouldn't be at the centre of our family.

Your situation sounds like there's more going into his previous marriage still than your current relationship and that's a huge no in my opinion, despite how wonderful my blended family set up is.

Harrypotter40 · 31/03/2016 09:56

They have been split for two years. She had a new bloke (so not sure what he makes of it )
He is a decent man that's what's attracted me to him.
The holiday is in this country Lake District I think. If he didn't join them he would see his kids for three week as she is way for the prior two weeks. Like I said the odd meal out and things is not an issue as i get on with my ex and have done things like this. Is the hols that will kill it for me.. Too much contact for to lengthy a time.
She had an affair that's one reason they split.. What a situation I am in. On one hand I think no it's too much - other hand I think shall I just ride this out..

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2016 09:57

Nope - that's just not OK - well not with me.
So they go out as a couple with other couples?
That is something I would draw the line at.
It's a no from me as well.

Harrypotter40 · 31/03/2016 10:00

Yes they have been out for meals with other couples - they were together a long time so I guess share a fair few mutual friend also through their children ..
I also know he has bought her a present for her birthday
Agh think I will have to say something re the hols ..

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 31/03/2016 10:02

I think you've got to go with your gut instinct here. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest however, reading the posts above, I seem to be in the minority. If it feels wrong, then it is wrong & you can't argue a feeling

JapanNextYear · 31/03/2016 10:08

I'm quite happy with my DH going away with his ex. They get on well, the kids are early 20s and teenage - I've been with DH 10 years. There's no way they'd get back together, but they like each other's company and she's still very much part of his family.

There'll be graduations and things coming up soon where the two of them will go - and, because of where we live, have to be away for a few nights.

I was invited away with them, but didn't want to go, quite happily stayed at home for some peace and quiet. Maybe that's the difference, I could have gone and chose not to.

She hasn't had any long term new partners - I don't know how the dynamic would work with that.

I think if you can bear it, it would be good to just be happy that they have a good relationship and arrange something for your and your kids that same week. And maybe, in the future, you could all go away together.

I think meeting the kids is pretty much a requirement though - if you are going to be in his life and vice versa!

Joysmum · 31/03/2016 10:14

I was invited away with them, but didn't want to go

That's the difference.

sunshinesummer · 31/03/2016 10:14

No way would I be happy with this.

And, tbh, even if I felt comfortable enough to go on hols with ExH, I would never be so disrespectful to DH, as to do so.

And it's a No to the meals out too. He is behaving as though in some compartments of his life, she is still his Partner. You should be going to the meals. She can also attend with her Partner, if she wants. A bit awkward imo, but better than the current set up.

You're 7 months in - time to meet each others children surely? When I met DH, I knew he was The One. Introduced him the the children after 3 months (as a friend at first). He moved in 6 months later. Now been together many years.

Are you sure they're not still having some kind of relationship? They obviously still enjoy one another's company, they share kids, what's stopping them being together?!

TheVeganVagina · 31/03/2016 10:45

This situation would not bother me. If they wanted to be together, wouldnt they just be together? They have children, family and a past. It shows me that he is able to have a mature relationship and that would be a plus for me. Is it more jealousy on your part? If it is then that is for you to deal with.

Harrypotter40 · 31/03/2016 10:50

This is a real dilemma for me as he is such a nice guy.
I really do think they are just friends. She has a new partner and her children have met him.
He has told me there is nothing in that way between them. He is a genuine type of person.
But .... I do need to talk about this too him. I think was the dominating force into the relationship and it is nice they get on for their children's sake.
How shall I bring this up so it doesn't sound as if I am forcing him to choose

OP posts:

Harrypotter40 · 31/03/2016 10:53

vegan
You have a point re the jealousy thing.
My dad left when I was eight so this has had an effect on how I am. In the past I have nearly always felt insecure re partners previous relationship
But a week away is a no go for me and for most people I feel

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 31/03/2016 10:58

Talk to him and tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable. His reaction will tell you whether you are the main woman in his life now.

If he'd invited you along too then it would be different.

I wouldn't be ok with it that's for sure.

littleleftie · 31/03/2016 11:01

Absolutely no way would I be able to tolerate this.

I am not saying he is still in a relationship with her - who knows, but it just wouldn't feel right for me.

I would back away and leave them to it.

Onceiwas20yearsold · 31/03/2016 11:02

I would not be ok with it, purely because it's so easy to full back into familiarity when you spend time together.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2016 11:03

I would back away and leave them to it

^^^ THIS - ABSOLUTELY ^^^^

JapanNextYear · 31/03/2016 11:11

I really don't agree with the advice above as when you get together with someone with kids and exes etc it does take a while to work out how 2 families can come together.

Your instincts are telling you he's a good guy, the fact that he wants to stay in contact with ex and kids is great - that is going to be his focus - not a really quite new relationship. You sound nice too and like you are trying to make things work. But it sounds like you would be making him choose when you haven't actually been together that long.

I'd work on getting a relationship with the kids and the ex wife - how that works out will be far more telling - and his reactions to you suggesting that. Look at it from Ex wife's point of view - 'I've asked my ex if he'll come away so he can see the kids - but his new gf who I've never met and who has never met the kids has put her foot down - so he won't see them for 3 weeks!'.

Why not suggest a meet up? Start getting a bit more involved in each other's lives - if it is for the long term neither of you can live in little isolated boxes for ever. While you both are understandably a bit wary of moving too quickly when kids are involved - you really have to grasp the nettle at some point.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/03/2016 11:26

Her DP might not be keen on the proposed holiday either. Best to say upfront if you have reservations. I don't know how old their children are but wouldn't it be confusing for them?

Personally I'd be puzzled as to why they still go as a twosome for meals with people, I never heard of exes doing this before. Of course they might share friends and want to stay in touch but surely they take along their new DPs?

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Joysmum · 31/03/2016 15:35

I'd work on getting a relationship with the kids and the ex wife - how that works out will be far more telling - and his reactions to you suggesting that

Excellent advice. It's what has worked in our blended family.

TheGhostOfTroubledJoe · 31/03/2016 16:08

Another one here who wouldn't be bothered.

I think you'd also have to be very careful how you approached the conversation with the partner. Seven months isn't a long time. If I had a partner of seven months coming to me and suggesting they weren't happy with the time I was spending with my kids I think an alarm would be going off. That's just me perhaps.

I agree with JapanNextYears advice. Perhaps if you could negotiate a more involved relationship with the ex you wouldn't feel so uncomfortable with the setup?

MatrixReloaded · 31/03/2016 17:56

He should be taking you on nights out with other couples, not her.

Have you met his friends?

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