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Has anyone ever felt that they are "wrong" for relationships?

(6 Posts)
marzipanmaggie Thu 31-Mar-16 07:50:36

Just wondering about this and seeking a bit of hand-holding here really. I'm in therapy for this and up to a point it helps me understand that this is my perception, not objective reality, but its really hard to shake that fundamental feeling and I wonder if this is normal and how others cope with it.

I've fairly recently come out of what had become an abusive marriage which is another story, but I've basically felt like this since I was old enough to be sexually/romantically active. I felt that I had "not relationship material" written through me like a stick of rock, as if there's some essence of me people can home in on from 30 paces that screams "not for a relationship" at men. I'm averagely attractive for my age, take care of myself, am not stupid, solvent and reasonably confident (outwardly). I am told I am charismatic and good fun. I haven't had a lot of casual sexual encounters (not that I have any problem with people who do but I know that's something that can impact the way you are perceived). I have had some longish term relationships but have been single more often than not and I've always felt deep down that I wasn't "the one" for anyone I've been with and that they were using me and didn't see me as someone they could fall in love with. I felt like that even with my husband even though it was me who ended the marriage and I always feel that I am second or third best - at best - for any person I am involved with. I have never felt that anyone truly loved me. I know this is irrational and probably untrue but its very very strongly ingrained in me. Even in good, intense therapy which helps me deal with it, I still basically believe this to be fundamentally true. It comes and goes but its still there.

Does anyone else feel like this? If even therapy doesn't shake it, do I have a chance of ever dealing with it?

expatinscotland Thu 31-Mar-16 07:54:56

I never felt like I had to be in a couple relationship to feel completely happy and fulfilled.

There are so many types of love in the world.

Work on yourself to where you don't need validation from a couple relationship to be happy and you might find things a lot better in life.

marzipanmaggie Thu 31-Mar-16 08:01:44

expat this is just it though, I'm not the kind of person who has to be in a relationship. I'm not a serial monogomist. I've been on my own for long periods and would always prefer to be single than in a relationship which I was lukewarm about. And in my own rather dysfunctional way I'm very choosy.
Its just that when I do fall for people I always feel that deep down they don't love me. And behave accordingly, whether they are showing signs that they love me or not.

expatinscotland Thu 31-Mar-16 08:09:17

Then don't fall for people? You do have a degree of control over it. I'm a very bad judge of character when it comes to men, tbh.

Temporaryanonymity Thu 31-Mar-16 08:17:45

Actually, I get it. Perhaps I wouldn't articulate it as strongly as you but yes, I feel a little bit the same. In fact, I have nearly started a similar thread.

I have been married, and have had one live in relationship. However, I still feel at 40 that my relationships have been lacking in some way. Since separating from my husband I have been in a casual relationship with a man who has made it clear that it will never be any more than that. Yet I have stayed in it.

I'm not sure why I feel this way. As a teen I never had a boyfriend. Nor at uni. Plenty of one nighters though; I never had a problem finding those!

I have a date on Friday and I feel ambivalent about it. I suspect from past experience it won't work out so part of me can't be bothered to even try now.

StillAwakeAndItIsLate Thu 31-Mar-16 11:32:35

Yes I feel similarly.

I have issues from childhood and other things that impact on my ability to feel/recognise 'love'.

I'm not desperate. I've been married but, like you, I knew he didn't love me and I didn't love him. It worked for us at the time. I've had one long term (3yr) relationship other than that, and 2 shorter relationships ending after a few months. I ended both of those because they didn't meet my needs for various reasons.

I'm happy to be single. Do a degree. I'm not needy, I don't feel I'm incomplete without a relationship, I have a friendship group that meets my needs for social contact. I'm not 'dating'.

I also feel like I'm not really cut out for relationships. The sad thing is I would like to love and be loved one day, but the older I get, (early 40s) the less likely I think it is to happen.

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