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Do I force DD to see ex. Or in fact swap with him and let him deal with it all?

(4 Posts)
HoppingForward Wed 30-Mar-16 23:46:08

It's been 8 weeks since I had DC dad removed from the family home for DV. It's been a long road for me but the first time DC had witnessed DV/more like emotional abuse.

We have 3 DC together. dd2 has point blank refused any contact with him, I've respected that but in place for her anger she takes it out on me and her sisters.

There is 1 more week of holidays to go and every night she kicks off, I've tried the softly approach with her,

SS and the police have bee involved in her behaviour, I support them but tonight I feel like saying "tag" I live in your child free home for the last week, go to work from there and you deal with her and her sisters.

Honestly, she is 11 and her behaviour is beyond acceptable, she has no phone due to her changing her password, forgetting it and blocking it, I've tried to be kind and let her use mine but she reads my messages...

I'm at a loss of. What to do.

SoThatHappened Thu 31-Mar-16 03:25:21

Your ex was removed from the home 8 weeks ago for DV and your DD is strugglig with her behaviour and refusing to see her dad.

Yet you ask:

"Do I force DD to see ex. Or in fact swap with him and let him deal with it all?"

Yah leaving him alone in charge of kids wont solve anything...he was the whole cause of it right?

Must be frustrating as hell. Do you have any other family support? flowers

Atenco Thu 31-Mar-16 04:03:18

Maybe she is testing the boundaries, wondering if she will also be kicked out. I don't mean that badly, you obviously did the right thing, but she has gone through a lot and must be feeling tremendously insecure right now.

Friendlystories Thu 31-Mar-16 04:43:45

Can totally understand how you must feel Hopping, he's caused this situation and yet you're the one left picking up the pieces and dealing with all the hard stuff. It must feel very unfair and really hard work on top of everything else you've had to sort out since he went, not to mention the shit you've had to deal with from him so I can understand that feeling of wanting him to have a taste of what you've been left with. We both know you'll never do it though so we need to figure out some coping strategies for you. I can't remember whether you have much in the way of family support, is there anyone who could take DD2 (or all the girls) the odd night and give you a break? Just thinking about breaking the cycle for DD (kicking off every night could sort of be becoming a habit iyswim) and giving you some respite so you're more able to deal with it the nights she is at home. From a practical perspective have you looked into whether you can get her phone unblocked? You usually just need a PUK code from your service provider, at least that would be one source of frustration/flashpoint removed for DD2. I'm not sure what else to suggest, it must be really hard for you but I do feel for DD as well, you've all been through such a lot these past weeks and, to a degree, it's understandable she's struggling to cope with it all at 11. It's hard to know how to get it through to her that the four of you need to be sticking together and helping each other through but that's the approach I'd be trying to take. How much have you talked to her about what's gone on? Obviously you'll be trying not to demonise her dad but I do think she needs to understand that his behaviour was wrong and that you had to protect yourself and her and her sisters, do you think she understands that? Even if she does I guess her anger towards her dad has to go somewhere and if she's still not speaking to him that leaves you right in the line of fire. Not easy for any of you, I hope other posters will come up with better suggestions than I've managed and things improve for you soon, you've been amazing through everything and I don't doubt that you will come out the other side flowers

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