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So...what to related....

(131 Posts)
pinkpeter1 Wed 30-Mar-16 22:09:39

I've posted about my dh before, he is very difficult to live with, I struggle every day, but for now, I am staying. (Previous thread, "living with a 12 year old", in anyone cares to remember).

So, my problem is summer holidays are approaching and the children are expecting a summer holiday. I spent our last summer holiday googling divorce lawyers as I hated every minute I had to spend with him. He alternated between speaking in a baby voice and pretending everything was fine and trying to suck up to me, and being a nasty bastard and telling me off, snapping and complaining at me. Our last day, we were waiting in the hotel foyer and he went to get the suitcases from the luggage room, leaving his plastic bag on the table with a t shirt in he had bought that morning, that he had been carrying. The taxi arrived, and I got the kids, got their bags and my bag and went to get on the bus. He brought the suitcases out and then got in. Then he noticed he didn't have his plastic bag and went ballistic at me, shouting at me in front of the kids and the driver, why didn't I pick it up, he was doing the suitcases , what was the matter with me, etc. I defended myself and said I was getting the kids on board with their stuff etc, I wasn't carrying it, I hadn't noticed it. It was a small thing, but the shouting was just ridiculous. He then of course, did his usual of sulking and not speaking, and I was so upset I was almost crying.

So, given that he is only able to be in a nice mood when everything is going his way and nothing is expected of him, the holiday problem is worrying me. When we go to an airport, he constantly walks off, leaves me to sort out out young doc, with their trunkis, not helping with escalators or buses to the plane unless I shout him back, constantly, every five minutes. He was nasty for no reason when we were going through customs, speaking to me so dispicably with such a nasty look and tone, that I don't want to do this anymore. He's done it every time for years, he just can't help himself. I don't want to be travelling with him in that way, and I don't want to be stuck in a small hotel room with him and two doc where I cannot escape and be in my own. I have to ask him every time to help with one kid while I do the other, help one kid get their meal from the buffet, etc etc.

I know it sounds bad, but at hipome I can disappear off to my bedroom, or leave him sulking in his study while me and the kids do other stuff. I can get away basically but on holiday I am stuffed. I don't know what do do, I am thinking a drive to a holiday in France, or Devon or somewhere, in a villa where there are several rooms, so I can leave him to it if need be. He's bound to kick off and sulk at some point, I am just thinking how can I manage this bad situation. Other than LTB, preferably, as I don't feel I can do that right now.

KinkyAfro Wed 30-Mar-16 22:13:05

Sorry I have no advice other than LTB

VegasIsBest Wed 30-Mar-16 22:14:00

Would you be better to skip the family holiday this year? Holidays can be tricky at times even if you get in well due to all being together 24/7. Your experience last year sounds awful.

How about a staycation where you plan some nice days out and can leave him behind for the day if he's obnoxious like that?

With the money you save you could plan a short break for yourself - maybe with a friend - and have some fun.

donajimena Wed 30-Mar-16 22:17:37

Can you go on holiday alone? I'm a lone parent and I can assure you its a damn sight easier than what you describe. If you really cannot LTB you need to forge your own life.
How old are your children?

Longdistance Wed 30-Mar-16 22:18:16

Encourage him to go on holiday with some friends if he has any

Then skip off on holiday with the dc yourself...

pinkpeter1 Wed 30-Mar-16 22:20:46

I did think about going on holiday alone with the kids, or with my parents. That would be OK, but I would obviously have to tell him why. And my family...

Skipping the holiday may be the only answer but I feel sorry for the dc then, they are 5 and 9.

I have emailed him with my issue, and am still waiting for an answer, which when it comes will be, I'll be nice this time....

Hassled Wed 30-Mar-16 22:21:00

"He's done it every time for years, he just can't help himself." - yeah, he can help himself. He chooses not to because he's a nasty bastard. Honestly, holiday planning is the least of your worries at the moment - stay home.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 30-Mar-16 22:21:06

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Why are you and he still together at all?

is this really what you want to be teaching them about relationships, that a loveless marriage is also their norm too?.

Why do you think you can at all manage this situation, clearly you cannot and he is still making your lives miserable.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 30-Mar-16 22:22:51

You seem completely cowed by him which is not surprising given his abusive behaviours towards you all.

DoreenLethal Wed 30-Mar-16 22:23:44

Go on holiday with the kids, and never go back. What a cunt.

Longdistance Wed 30-Mar-16 22:26:03

You'll be in each other's company for two weeks. Sounds like hell to me.

pinkpeter1 Wed 30-Mar-16 22:27:45

Practical suggestions please? I know it isn't pleasant, but it isn't terrible, not all the time anyway. It's liveable with.

SmallBee Wed 30-Mar-16 22:29:45

Go on holiday with the kids. Don't come back, ever.

It sounds like you'll be better off. Your DCs must be picking up on this, how do they react when he treats you like this?

cece Wed 30-Mar-16 22:30:29

I think you should suggest separate holidays - you take the DC away for a week and then he can take the DC away for a week.

cece Wed 30-Mar-16 22:31:16

Or book a cottage for 2 weeks; you go for the first week and then swap over and he can go for the second week.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 30-Mar-16 22:32:08

How do you think your children feel?. they are seeing and hearing all of this around them.

All your words are those of someone who feels completely powerless. If you do go on holiday you need to go without him because it will likely be a repeat of last year otherwise.

Abusive men do the nice and nasty cycle very well but it is a continuous one.

fieldfare Wed 30-Mar-16 22:33:14

Save the money you'd spend on the holiday and use it for moving out, or legal fees to help with divorcing this utter arsehole.
The kids will have a great time at home with you, having cheap days out, spending time with friends and grandparents. They'd much rather not witness this horrible abuse from their father.

MorrisZapp Wed 30-Mar-16 22:41:18

Kids absolutely do not need foreign holidays. You're subjecting them to his moods, what's the benefit to them?

I'm sorry that you're living with this crap, but honestly nobody here is going to help you stay with this abuser.

musicposy Wed 30-Mar-16 22:44:00

The kids are not going to miss out by not going on holiday when this is the atmosphere. No holiday at all is better than what you describe.

However, if you really can't LTB (and I know it's not always easy when you're in the situation) can you think of something he always wanted to do but which would be impossible for DCs the age of yours?

Eg He's always wanted to go white water rafting on a twig in a crocodile infested lake so how about you give him a wonderful break this year to do that whilst you take the children somewhere really boring and hot with a pool, or somewhere like Disney he would hate?

I just wonder if you could frame it as this wonderful sacrifice you're willing to make for the arsehole he just might buy it.

pinkpeter1 Wed 30-Mar-16 22:45:11

I don't know how my kids feel. They love him. I know it's teaching them the wrong things. The main thing is my family think he is the bees knees. Attention seeking but funny. His too. They'd be amazed that anyone would consider him abusive.

pinkpeter1 Wed 30-Mar-16 22:47:58

Thank you musicposy, that's a good idea. I will think about that.

musicposy Wed 30-Mar-16 22:49:57

What your family think of him is irrelevant. They don't see the full picture. I'm sure if they knew the full picture, they'd support you wholeheartedly. It's a very common scenario for an abuser to be utterly charming to the outside world.

MorrisZapp Wed 30-Mar-16 22:51:01

If your family think he's great then why not tell them the truth?

It doesn't matter what they think anyway, you and your kids have to live with the that. They don't.

MorrisZapp Wed 30-Mar-16 22:51:36

The twat.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 30-Mar-16 22:52:58

Abusive people can be very plausible to those in the outside world.

Children love parents anyway even if they are abusive. They see all too clearly how you are treated and you,re doing your bit here to reinforce that message that this is acceptable to you on some level.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?.

DO you love this man or is your love for him really an unhealthy codependency?

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