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Relationships

Is this gaslighting?

33 replies

ElephantSuperhero · 30/03/2016 22:06

DH has always, but even more so now, done something occasionally that's quite out of order and unfair, and when I've tackled him on it he's turned it round onto me and how awful I am and says how he can do as he likes and then sulks with me and says I'm childish.

For example tonight he came home from work tonight in a foul mood, and was being all cocky and childish with smart arse comments that I knew he was going to be like it tonight. I put 6 year old DS to bed at about 8 and then DH went into our room and put on loud music and started singing really loudly. I went into our room and said could he be a bit quieter as DS was in bed now and he went mad at me, saying how dare I speak to him like that, and to get out of the room and that he can do as he pleases and he's not putting up with that shit from me.

He has stayed in the bedroom since and I just went up to try to talk to him calmly and again he was saying I'm awful and that I spoke to him like shit (I didn't!) and have I heard myself as I sound like a 7 year old. All I was doing was saying it's unfair of him to sulk and that I was just asking him to keep the noise down. DH is also the first to moan about any noise if it doesn't suit him...

It makes me so angry as whenever I try to talk about anything he just says things like 'Listen to yourself, you're pathetic' and 'You sound like a child' and has even threatened to record me on his phone and put it on FB and tag me so everyone can hear how pathetic I am.

I feel like I can never tackle him on anything as he goes mad and takes it out of proportion, also he will be sulking now for the next few days so that won't be pleasant.

I had abusive parents so it's difficult to make a judgement call on whether he's being horrible or if I really am awful :(

OP posts:
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maggiethemagpie · 30/03/2016 22:09

No, he's being horrible. It's not you, it's him.

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ShoppingBasket · 30/03/2016 22:12

Quite plainly, it is him.

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Marchate · 30/03/2016 22:14

He's being horrible

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MairzyDoats · 30/03/2016 22:14

He's a knob. Basically.

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karigan · 30/03/2016 22:15

He sounds horrible. I'm not sure on the gaslighting (not massively familiar with EH terms/terms) but he sounds like an absolutely arse to live with.

If it helps whenever my DH has his phone/tv/talks/walks loudly/closes doors too loudly I frantically shush at him (we have an 18 month old DD who is an incredibly light sleeper) He finds it mildly irritating but also funny and refers to me as the 'sleep police' His response is mild ribbing- I would be completely taken aback and v. V. pissed off if he shouted at me or laid into me verbally in the way you'very described.

I'm sorry you've had to experience that. :(

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ElephantSuperhero · 30/03/2016 22:16

I am sitting here crying as he's also said things tonight like he is staying upstairs as he can't bear to sit anywhere near me as I'm so awful. He also always mimicks me when he's in these bad moods. I hate it. If I tell the kids off he then mimics me.

Has anyone got any tips on how to disengage for a bit while I get my head straight? My father was always such a bully I hate atmospheres and disapproval. I wish I could just think 'fuck you' about DH and ignore him back and take control. How do I do this?

OP posts:
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senua · 30/03/2016 22:16

it's difficult to make a judgement call on whether he's being horrible or if I really am awful

That's not the question.
The question is: does this relationship make me happy?

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Dragongirl10 · 30/03/2016 22:17

Oh elephant.....please do not doubt yourself, he is vile nothing to do with you.

This is not normal happy relationship behavior....does he not care about waking his son either?

Is he always such a pain in the rear?

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karigan · 30/03/2016 22:18

*EA

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DraenorQueen · 30/03/2016 22:18

He is a fucking disgusting human being. Shutting down your comments by making you seem either crazy or an irrational brat.

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MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2016 22:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoreenLethal · 30/03/2016 22:18

So basically he is bruising for a fight so prods you and when you bite, he gets nasty and accuses you of being a pathetic child? Well, i think i would tell him to fuck off if he doesnt like it personally. Esp as he is also affecting your child as well.

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imeatingthechocolate · 30/03/2016 22:20

contact women's aid try and go to refuge get yourself time and space to think

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britmodgirl · 30/03/2016 22:20

He's a prick

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donajimena · 30/03/2016 22:20

He's vile.
Gaslighting in my experience is where you try and make someone think they are going mad (eg hiding keys only for them to reappear on the hook)
But anyway it doesn't matter he's a bully. What do you think you want to do?

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MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatdoIget · 30/03/2016 22:27

Tell TB to L

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amarmai · 30/03/2016 22:34

He's up to something. Is he trying to get you to LTB? Check his phone when you get the chance and see what you can find out.

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BlackeyedSusan · 30/03/2016 23:30

tips: ltb

he is abusive.

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Birthgeek · 30/03/2016 23:54

He's an emotionally abusive bully and this isn't a healthy relationship Flowers

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Phoenix69 · 31/03/2016 07:04

It's not gaslighting, he is being an abusive cock. Ultimatum time - tell him to shape up or pack his bags.

He mimics you?

Actually on second thoughts, he sounds like such an emotional fail, I would LTB. He can't be fixed.

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VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 31/03/2016 07:07

It's not gas lighting it's just being a nasty dick. You can't change him, so you need to leave him. Not right now, but start thinking about it.

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AgathaF · 31/03/2016 07:31

Not gaslighting but it is nasty, aggressive behaviour. He's inconsiderate of you and your child. Is your relationship happy in other respects, because quite honestly, I can't see why you would want to live with someone who treats you so appalingly?

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DorindaJ · 31/03/2016 07:47

He sounds like a child. What AgathaF and others have said. Please do not say he is a great dad Hmm

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cakeycakeface · 31/03/2016 07:48

Could someone define gas lighting for me. I'm a bit lost.

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