Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

OLD - am I doing it wrong?

(8 Posts)
CandleWithHair Wed 30-Mar-16 20:56:04

I signed up to Match a couple of weeks ago after splitting up with husband (together 12 years) end of last year.

I'm getting plenty of interest, which is gratifying, but I am so bloody clueless when it comes to dating I don't really know where to begin. How quickly should you arrange to meet people? I feel like emailing comes across a bit stiff and stilted and you can't get to know the other person very well, but then I don't want to commit to eleventy billion dates because I can't be bothered with chatting online either.

How do you spot a player? How do you spot a weirdo? Help me! I haven't been single since I was 22, so I am feeling totally lost.

Twinklelittlestar1 Thu 31-Mar-16 00:11:19

I used to 'chat' to a select few men at a time. I think you can tell a lot about a person from those initial messages. I then eliminated anyone I didn't feel I was going to gel with (anyone who called me babe/ used text speak/ gave any warning signals) I would then usually organise a date within one to two weeks. I went on five dates in total, all perfectly nice guys but no connection with the first four. Been with the fifth guy for two years nowsmile

I loved dating, I found it all so exciting! I had been in a thirteen year relationship before hand so I know what a whirlwind time it can be. Good luck!

BubblingUp Thu 31-Mar-16 03:15:40

I'm on Match, too. When you sign up there is a flurry of interest in the beginning - lots and lots of men will contact you. Many live far away. They message every new woman. Ignore all that. In the 3rd week it gets more realistic.

I will only message back and forth for 2 weeks and if at the end of 2 weeks and they haven't asked me out, I ghost them. Many men are just looking for pen pals.

I ignore men who live too far, have facial hair, have no picture, too young or too old. I just ignore them. No response. I am also not interested in a man with children under age 12. (I'm 52 and past the kid stage.)

So, once these eliminations are made, I just consider the rest. Sometimes, you will reply to their message and they don't reply back. So, they message me, I reply, and they ghost. It's that quick, it's over and it's common. It's not even worth memorizing their user name until a couple of weeks.

You really need to meet them to make a judgment. Don't reveal a lot of personal information while messaging. You don't want to get a false sense of intimacy with them in the beginning because when you meet them, they may be duds. If you can get their real name before meeting them, do the usual investigation. I have been messaged by men who have been arrested for domestic assault. The criminal records are public record. I immediately block them.

Many men lie about height, age, and marital status. I assume all men to be married until proven otherwise by court documents. I have to do this since I am seeking a clean shaven man. Often times there is a wife making them shave. The single ones let it go because no one is making them shave and they think they can get a woman with a scraggly beard. I am sure they can, but it ain't me.

I prefer to use the Match email system and not give out personal information. I have given a number to text, but delete it as soon as it fizzles (and it often will before you meet them). They will keep bugging you for weeks and months. I assume they are drunk texting. Phone calls help too. You can learn a lot about them from a call. I don't like giving out my number though, but in the one instance I did, I was glad. Dude was nuts.

The same men on Match are often on POF and eHarmony and the other OLD sites at the same time. They also belong to the relevant Meet Up groups. You'll see the same ones over and over. Don't internalize rejection. It's meaningless.

CandleWithHair Thu 31-Mar-16 20:20:33

Thanks twinkle, and bubbling that is some excellent advice! I definitely need to get a bit more pragmatic about it. I'm chatting to a few guys at the moment and have a couple of dates arranged over the next week or so. One guy I think just wants to get into my pants but I'm not sure - I'm so out of practice I can't read the signals at all!

Can either of you recommend good first date strategies? Should I have an exit plan lined up in case it's a disaster? What did you do?!?

TheDatingDoofus Thu 31-Mar-16 20:24:25

For a first date, if you're not sure about him, make it a quick one. So drinks or a coffee rather than dinner/cinema/etc. Then you can make a quick exit if he's dull as.

Remember you are the prize. You are seeking someone who is worthy of your fabulousness, not settling for the first bloke who seems okay.

Twinklelittlestar1 Thu 31-Mar-16 20:42:50

Remember to tell someone where you are going. My friend never used to give her phone number to the guy she was meeting but I did as I figured I could block them if I had any issues.

I was soooo nervous on my first date. I was worried we'd have awkward silences or I'd end up feeling stuck! (Actually it was a really positive experience)

I always met for drinks on the first few dates as I found it easier to relax. Though once I'd got my confidence I had a couple of day time coffee dates too.

The most awkward part was after the date if they wanted to see me again and I wasn't interested. I was always honest about it though which I think is the best way.

I generally had a really positive experience. I was very sure of what I was looking for though so I made sure I was meeting people who fit my non-negotiable criteria. From what I hear from my friends, the ones who had the most positive experiences were from paid dating websites as opposed to the free ones. One of my friends was messed around A LOT on the free ones.

Have fun, we need updates on your first date!

BubblingUp Fri 01-Apr-16 04:15:35

First date - I'm not a drinker, so just a quickie dinner is fine for me or coffee. Sometimes the guys want to do something extravagant, fine dining, theatre, but I don't want to do that for a 1st date.

It's nerve racking of course, but then once you meet them and sit and start talking it's okay. The weird part is arriving - who gets there first, who acknowledges the other first, but really it is just seconds of nerves, then a greeting, a nice to meet you, shall we sit, shall we grab a bite to eat and sit, then a bit of small talk, did you find the place ok, was there traffic, did you come straight from work, it's really windy, isn't it and then into essay questions - are you from here? have you been on Match a long time, etc - and then after that it's easy. Don't try to hard. Just be yourself.

If I am not interested in a 2nd date, I tell them. "It was great meeting you, but didn't feel a spark. I'm sure you will connect with someone soon. Thanks again for the lovely (or interesting or funny) conversation."

The sex ones tend to talk about sex straight away - from the get go. One guy asked me out on a date and then told me to wear a red dress and cherry lip gloss. Then he asked if I had a younger friend to bring with me on the date. LOLOLOL. It was so absurd it was hilarious. I never met him. I would need mace and a stick to go on a date with him! The sex ones tend to talk about appearance more than anything - you look hot - plus just sex talk - I bet you are good in bed - in the 1st or 2nd message. If that's what you want, that's cool, but I am not looking for a FWB or ONS.

Minime85 Fri 01-Apr-16 08:45:19

I went old after being with exh for 13 yrs having never been on a real date as if known him though school. It was nerve wracking but fun. Try not to take it too seriously. I would keep chatting to whoever you like and after a few days or week or so then suggest getting together for a coffee or a drink. I wouldn't do a meal or anything either first date. If you don't get on it will be harder to leave. Always make sure someone knows where you are meeting and times etc. Have someone you can call as a get out if you need to leave. I moved from messaging on the site to texting reasonably quickly as I preferred it. Anyone I wasn't sure of like in age or what they said I just said no to straight away. I preferred pof to match. Some of the same people but more chat and less just browsing profiles I found.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now