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New relationship (possibly) - self conscious about body - anyone else feel this way?

(23 Posts)
Oldisthenewblack Wed 30-Mar-16 16:04:22

Not entirely sure I'm posting in the right place but happy to be redirected smile.

I'm in the position of being about to embark (possibly) on a new relationship. When I last started a new relationship I was several years younger, a couple of stones lighter and generally in better shape. I am hugely self conscious about my body. I can't stress how big an issue this is for me. The guy I've been chatting to for a while seems absolutely lovely, a real sweetheart and genuinely unconcerned about my size/shape. This is obviously great, but it doesn't take away my self consciousness. Have been looking at myself from various angles (as you do.....) and thinking "oh my god, how can I fling myself about with gay abandon when my belly wobbles like that??"

So, I'm really hoping to hear from other women who've felt like this and went on to have fabulous times with their new partners. Were you terribly self conscious but gradually learned to just let it all hang out and 'go for it'? See, I'm not getting any younger and I've not had a whole heap of this sex that I've heard so much about and frankly, I want it. Now. I'm not terribly self confident, but I'd like to be smile.

Are there men out there who are really unconcerned that everything falls out to the sides when you lie down? About stretch marks from weight loss, bit of excess skin, etc? There are, of course, but just need some reassurance....

Thank you for reading smile

sunshinesummer Wed 30-Mar-16 16:06:41

I'd get yourself to Ann Summers, for some sexy new underwear. Pick something that accentuates your good bits, and hides anything you're uncomfortable with. It will help your confidence if you're not totally starkers!

Justmuddlingalong Wed 30-Mar-16 16:27:47

Speaking as someone who has leaned on her own nipple in bed grin, yes, I can confirm that there are people out there who are unconcerned about stretch marks, wobbly bits and untoned bodies. Don't hide your body from him. Everyone feels self conscious at first, but will relax with time. Don't allow your self consciousness stop you from embarking on a new relationship.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 30-Mar-16 18:44:31

The guy I've been chatting to for a while...

Have you met this guy? If not, I suggest you stop fretting about your body until you've seen what he looks like in the flesh. smile

When it comes to doing the deed for the first time with a new beau turn the bedroom into a boudoir. Set the scene with flowers, dim the lamps, burn scented candles or joss sticks, make sure the bedlinen is fresh on, choose mood enhancing music and hope that he's not allergic to perfumes.

A silky teddy can hide a multitude of sins and if you combine it with sheer hold up stockings he should be so overcome with lust desire that any saggy/wobbly bits will become part and parcel of the glorious seductiveness that is you.

If you can't be arsed with all this palaver, drink him under the table and tell him what a wonderful lover he is when he sobers up. grin

Namechangeofshame193 Wed 30-Mar-16 21:05:15

This maybe bad advice but I spent years concealing my body and being petrified. I was in your situation and decided to fake it till I make it and acted very body confident straight away. Once you've done it once and they've seen it all panic over and I actually felt more comfortable and am quite body confident now!

elliepac Thu 31-Mar-16 22:31:14

I could have written your post a year or so ago. I was dating again for the first time in nearly 20 years. I lost nearly 7 stone but still had a wobbly tummy (still do) a lot of which is excess skin from weight loss and my boobs look like deflated balloons. grin. Clothes on...not too bad. Clothes off...whole different story. Met someone who I thought had the potential to be pretty special. The first time we slept together I was slightly drunk, threw caution to the wind and didn't even really think about, caught in a moment if you will. Next morning we woke up together and I went to make a coffee and was incredibly self conscious in a sober state. I remember trying to slide out of bed so he wouldn't see, and reaching for the biggest cover up t shirt possible. Thought I had nailed it and he hadn't noticed. Got back with the coffee, he turned around I vividly remember him telling me that I was amazing as was my body and I should never be ashamed of it. He clearly had noticedgrin. Needless to say I realised he was a keeper and a year later he is my DP but I still remember that and always will. I still have moments where I berate the wobbly belly but he genuinely doesn't care. They are definitely out there. Good lucksmile.

horseygeorgie Thu 31-Mar-16 22:40:21

elliepac That is lovely, what a sweet guy! Can we clone him please?! As someone who is on her way to loosing a similar amount of weight this is actually really reassuring so thank you.

Oldisthenewblack Wed 06-Apr-16 12:56:30

elliepac - your experience is quite inspiring smile I've met the guy now (mine, not yours) and although he certainly hasn't yet seen me unclothed, I'm confident that he isn't the shallow type. He's incredibly reassuring and and now it's pretty certain he'll be fine with my body, it's just me trying to get over my self consciousness. Ah well - let's see how it goes.

Thanks all for your replies, sorry it's taken so long to come back to this thread but my computer seems to hate Mumsnet....

GinAndSonic Wed 06-Apr-16 13:38:05

My boyfriend prefers bigger women, and he likes short women too (which I'm makes you look bigger than your actual size). Im 5ft 1 and a size 18ish, with bingo wings, saggy boobs, wobbly saggy tummy rolls, a huge round bum and generous thighs. And he doesn't not mind about my body, he loves it, he thinks it's sexy and honestly, my confidence has never been higher than it is now. Even if he does roll over onto one of my boobs sometimes grin

Savagebeauty Wed 06-Apr-16 13:45:58

After 20 years of being told by ( now) ex that I was overweight ( six feet tall and eleven and a half stone), I have met a man who adores my 55 year old body ( which is now twelve stone)

Best sex ever. Exploring lots of new things grin
And I have invested in amazing lingerie ( try Katie's Boutique) .
He's 57, five feet seven and hasn't got abs of steel. Who cares???

Claraoswald36 Wed 06-Apr-16 14:19:15

Attraction is more than skin deep. A man who genuinely likes you won't be doing a full body appraisal!
I have stretch marks and no boobs and a c section scar and my Adonis dp thinks I'm shit hot. I think he's blind!

funnylittlefloozie Wed 06-Apr-16 15:14:02

I split up with my husband after twenty-two years of being together. I hadnt taken my clothes off for anyone else in all that time, so I was bricking it when I was actually in a position to take my clothes off in front of someone else! I discovered though, that the majority of men are so delighted that you are actually taking your clothes off for them, that they don't mind the 'real' woman underneath, whether that is wobbly, skinny, flabby or whatever. Confidence is the sexiest thing ever. Wear something that makes you feel good, have a pedicure or get your legs waxed if thats your thing, dab on some really lovely perfume...if you beleive you couldn't be sexier, your bloke will feel the same. And if he doesn't, he's an arse, and doesn't deserve to have you in his bed.

Oldisthenewblack Wed 06-Apr-16 16:06:28

This is all very enlightening - thank you all. Savagebeauty - that's very much what I'd like to be doing sometime soon - exploring "lots of new things". Want to fling myself about in the most indecorous positions....without worrying about my saggy stomach that just..hangs in a most unbecoming way. Ok, ok, it doesn't HAVE to be unbecoming, but that's how I've always thought it. My mindset has to alter, I realise that.

Of course, now I have a whole new area to stress about now - how to shave one's lady parts when you have a bit of a belly that needs hoisting out of the way. Not that he cares, I've already tested him out with mention of my hairiness and he doesn't care. But I've decided to shave anyway, as I'm pretty sure local animals have taken up residence in my armpit hair anyway....Yes, I am quite a catch grin

Claraoswald36 Wed 06-Apr-16 21:58:02

Old you sound like a cracking good laugh grin

WeeTinyMe Wed 06-Apr-16 22:51:22

I felt exactly the same as you old .
I have had 4 children and the stretchmarks to prove it! When I started my relationship with my now dp I was dreading him seeing me naked. When im fully clothed I am passable as I am petite (5'1") and thin (size 8) BUT my stretch marks are horrendous!!

I tried my best to hide from him, have sex in the dark, lie at flattering angles etc etc I tried EVERYTHING!
My dp obviously noticed this and he tells me every single day (even now) that I am beautiful, he loves me, he loves my body, and I never have to cover myself up. He made reference to my stretch marks as I am too mortified to mention them directly, and he just says he understands why I may not feel confident but he loves every part of me.
I am very lucky to have such a lovely man who accepts me, warts (stretch marks) and all.
Hopefully your new man is of the same ilk and you get over your confidence issues.
I am a lot better, I cant quite stand naked in front of him, but Ill get there.
Good luck

WeeTinyMe Wed 06-Apr-16 22:52:08

Oh and shaving when I have a belly.... I lie down in the bath and do it horizontally! Not very becoming, but no one sees me! Haha

Oldisthenewblack Thu 07-Apr-16 14:32:38

It's so reassuring to hear all your positive experiences. It's strange but, though I have low self esteem, if he (or any other man) DID comment negatively about my body, he would be out the door immediately. It would make me think far less of him, but not necessarily about myself. Odd.

And yes, the 'laying on the nipple' experience is not the best ever [shock} Done it to myself and have had others do it to me as well. Need to sellotape them up before bed.

Oldisthenewblack Thu 07-Apr-16 14:37:36

I'm attempting the shaving with strategically positioned mirror....never seen it all so close up. Not sure I want to again....

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 07-Apr-16 14:46:07

Been there, got the t shirt grin Will be fine I'm sure. Low lighting/candles first time helps. Also, having done without the ole rumpy pumpy for a long time distracted me from my wobbly bits!

Oldisthenewblack Thu 07-Apr-16 15:01:15

I think I'm at the point now where I'm so eager for a bit of 'the other' that I'm almost not fussed anymore...well, that's not true, I am, but not had any for ages way too keen

Savagebeauty Thu 07-Apr-16 15:03:09

Shall we see you next in the Sex topic old ?

Toomuchinfo1 Thu 07-Apr-16 15:08:11

OP . . .my best friend had all the same worries when she started dating again after a long term relationship. She has met a man that LOVES her curves and can't get enough of her!

Go for it and HAVE FUN!!


Oldisthenewblack Thu 07-Apr-16 20:22:13

Savagebeauty - oh yes, I'll be there...wanting advice on all kinds of freaky sex stuff. Just have to get started first....grin

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