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Non existant proposal

(64 Posts)
SoVerySad100 Wed 30-Mar-16 15:16:50

It was my 30th birthday this weekend and I went away with friends and my boyfriend of 3 years. I've been planning and looking forward to this trip for months but it was a disaster.
At Christmas I overheard my boyfriend speaking to a mutual friend (I was in the same room but he was quite drunk) about his plans to propose to me when we were away for my 30th. This really took me by surprise as we hadn't spoken much about marriage specifically, just the fact that we were planning on being together, buying a house, starting a family ect.
I have spent the last 3 months fantasising about and preparing for the proposal, and getting more excited as my partner mentioned things related to it- he was going to give me a special present whilst we were away, mentioning friends who got engaged, asking is I liked their rings etc.
Long story short, he didn't propose, wasn't planning to and it was apparently something stupid he said when drunk and he doesn't seem to remember it.
I am gutted because instead of enjoying this much anticipated weekend away with him and friends I was so focused on the engagement and we argued the whole weekend because it became clear fairly early that he wasn't going to propose.
He also didn't bother coming to see my family as planned to celebrate my birthday after the weekend and (sorry I know this is going to sound spoilt) he got my presents totally and utterly wrong. though I suppose it would be hard to get them right when I was expecting a ring.
The annoying thing is I was really content with our relationship until I heard him say he was planning an engagement and now that is hasn't happened I feel like I've done something wrong. I'm also gutted that the weekend was spoilt because of this. I acted like a brat but I can't help it, I feel absolutely devastated and humiliated that I built this weekend up to be some huge romantic special one and couldn't relax and have fun with my mates.
Has anyone else expected a proposal and felt let down? And how do I fix this, I feel like my partner ruined not just my birthday but any future engagement we may have. Am I overreacting? Literally feel gutted

Ifailed Wed 30-Mar-16 15:22:57

Clearly you are upset, but why are you putting so much into the concept of a 'proposal'? You are both adults, why not sit down and talk about whether you both want to marry, have kids etc?
Hopefully things will calm down between you and you can sort something out.

SirChenjin Wed 30-Mar-16 15:28:55

I'm not surprised you feel gutted sad - even if he was 'just' drunk it's strange to come out with something so specific as 'I'm going to propose to her on her 30th' as opposed to the more generalised ' I love her I do, I want to marry her', and then to mention things related to it. Not surprised you thought a proposal was forthcoming.

So is he happy to buy a house with you and have children with you - but just not actually marry you? Has he said why? And after 3 years, does he see you both married to each other at some point in the future? Are you prepared to wait about for that maybe date?

OneLove10 Wed 30-Mar-16 15:29:24

I think you are overreacting. If you've never discussed marriage and all that comes with a future together why were you looking so forward to this? Was it the hype of 'being engaged' that makes you want to be? I don't think you should have taken what he said seriously when he was drunk, instead you should have had a talk after that about your future.

OneLove10 Wed 30-Mar-16 15:32:37

Sorry I missed the part where you bought a house and planning on kids. But even so, why are you committing to him in this way when marriage is important to you and you haven't discussed that at all?

RNBrie Wed 30-Mar-16 15:38:41

Something a bit similar happened to me. Was my 31st birthday and we were at a posh restaurant, he put his hand in his pocket and said he had an important question to ask me, then he pulled out a hanky, blew his nose and asked if I thought he should trade in his car... WTF?!?

I hadn't expected a proposal at all but it totally threw me and I didn't enjoy the rest of the evening. I talked to him about it rationally a couple of days later and he was a bit shocked, said it wasn't really on his radar at all. We had only been together a year or so but it gave me the chance to say that I wanted a future with him. He proposed a couple of months later.

You need to be able to discuss this together reasonably and find out if you both have the same expectations for your future. If you can't talk about it, you probably shouldn't be doing it...

Duckdeamon Wed 30-Mar-16 15:39:13

YWBU to set your hopes on a proposal that specific weekend, but he's certainly sent mixed messages!

Were you actively planning a joint property purchase and/or to ttc? Both are a much bigger commitment than marriage and the latter is inadviseable financially if you are the lower earner, especially if you're likely to reduce or stop your paid work should you have a child. If you're able to discuss these things it'd also be sensible to discuss marriage.

Proposals and rings are nice and all, but financial security and legal rights are too!

Goingtobeawesome Wed 30-Mar-16 15:45:05

DH and I went away and I engineered alone time while out as I was convinced he'd propose as the place we were in meant something. He didn't. When he did it was out of the blue and just after I'd been moaning about related stuff. I really wish I hadn't been..

If you want to marry him, why I wonder, but if you do then definitely don't have his baby first. Get yourself protected as it doesn't sound like you both want the same thugs right now. He sounds like another twat who sees a house and a baby as less commitment than a marriage certificate -baby's are easier to walk away from..

Goingtobeawesome Wed 30-Mar-16 15:46:47

Same things, not thugs. I'm sure you don't hanker after being married to a thug.

FluffyPersian Wed 30-Mar-16 15:52:02

I’m so petty, I have never wanted my partner to propose to me, however if he said he’d do something and I overheard him talking to another person about it.. and then hinting about ‘special presents’ and it didn’t happen, I’d be really upset. As much as I’d want to be mature, I’d probably start hinting about ‘special bedroom presents’ and asking him which outfit he preferred in Ann Summers and suggestion that ‘maybe’ you should have an ‘early night’ on Friday….

.. and then wear massive granny knickers and go to sleep wearing a facemask with unshaved legs…

nomorechocolate2016 Wed 30-Mar-16 15:53:52

I can completely understand why you feel the way you do. It was a special birthday, you were away, you heard him say it and he was dropping hints!

I wouldn't make any more plans with him until you know for sure he is committed to you. No house buying or babies for sure.

How is he reacting to your disappointment?

Yseulte Wed 30-Mar-16 15:53:56

I'm not quite sure why you built such castles in the air on a drunken conversation. It seems rather naive.

sunshinesummer Wed 30-Mar-16 15:56:17

Oh, you poor thing. You're not being a brat at all, I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. I would feel like a pricked balloon, tbh.

Why on earth would he talk about others getting engaged and rings? Talk about giving you the wrong idea.

You are 30 and you've been dating for 3 years. The timing for a proposal would be spot on. If not now, bloody when?

As a PP has said, do not have children with him, without the benefit of marriage. If you become a SAHM and he decides one day to leave you, you will be up shit creek without a paddle.

Having a baby is a bigger commitment than marriage anyway! As soon as you have a baby, you are tied for life - not in a relationship, but you'll never be able to get rid of him.

WipsGlitter Wed 30-Mar-16 15:56:37

What were the 'special presents'?

It must have been hugely disappointing but as someone else says maybe it gives you a chance to either talk things through again or work out what it is you both want / you want.

Duckdeamon Wed 30-Mar-16 15:59:36

To be fair to OP he was dropping other hints too.

MrRochestersDog Wed 30-Mar-16 16:03:25

YANBU. He has been really insensitive flowers. I would have felt really let down too.

Annarose2014 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:08:38

Tbh I think discussing buying a house and having kids without even having a conversation about marriage when you privately want to get married to him is really bizarre and arseways.

Freya888 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:11:03

I think that you should talk with him. I see nothing bad in it. Guys are supid

MeMySonAndl Wed 30-Mar-16 16:12:51

I think you are right to feel disappointed. It is not only that he hasn't proposed on that weekend, but he has also made it clear that getting married was not on his radar.

Frankly, if you care about marriage and he doesn't, this could be a deal breaker. So, it is understandable that you are that upset.

If you are at the stage of owning a property and discussing children, you would expect that perhaps he could imagine that protecting you as a wife was one of his intentions. Because whatever people say, marriage is not just a ring or a piece of paper followed by the most expensive party you will throw in your life. It is a contract that protects YOU (and him).

If he thinks that protection is not important to him, when it is so important to you, though, time to stop thinking about children and start thinking whether you want to stay with someone long term that is not interested in formalising the relationship.

Whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN unless you are able to keep your financial independence in the long term or he is prepared to protect you with a marriage certificate.

SoVerySad100 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:20:47

We live together at the moment and are saving for a deposit to buy a place, plus we both want children in the next couple of years, hopefully. I suppose the reason we haven't specifically spoken much about getting married is that neither of us is very religious and the house and children are a much bigger commitment and more important to us. I didn't realise I wanted us to get married much until I overheard his comments. And I know this may sound silly and romantic, but I have always assumed if I did get married it'd be a surprise proposal and a natural progression to get engaged rather than planning and discussing the engagement months or years in advance.

elizalovelace Wed 30-Mar-16 16:25:40

Can only say along with other posters before me do not have a baby with this man without being married to him. A baby with you isn't a commitment to you, it's a commitment to the child.

Annarose2014 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:28:29

Marriage is a massive legal protection. It's important waaaaay beyond religious reasons.

Do you even know how much of the capital of the house you'd be entitled to if you split up? Would you both have proof of paying 50:50 into the mortgage each month? Both equal amounts for deposit etc? Marriage makes things a lot simpler tbh.

Duckdeamon Wed 30-Mar-16 16:31:23

hmm Marriage, for many people, has nothing to do with religion!

Suggest you look into and consider the financial and legal implications of cohabiting vs marriage when it comes to shared property assets/DC. The differences are significant.

If he's not on the same page about your relationship (marriage soonish then ttc) you could potentially be wasting your time (and fertility)

Duckdeamon Wed 30-Mar-16 16:34:51

Perhaps he's still planning to propose but decided a group birthday celebration was the wrong time, and is acting like a tool to throw you off the scent? (Hopeful)

If you decide to end your uncertainty by discussing it, which would be sensible, hope he doesn't pull the "now if I propose the romance will be gone" bollocks! Know a fair few men who have done that and it's shitty. It's 2016, not 1916 and after three years and heavy hints it's NU to explicitly ask if he shares your wish to be married!

SoVerySad100 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:35:26

fluffypersion- hahaha that's cheered me up a bit, great idea!
Nomorechocolate2016- he's reacting to my disappointment by being really apologetic. Initially he was confused about where this was all coming from and quite angry- accusing me of 'being a princess'. When we both calmed down and he understood why I had got the wrong impression he said he had been stupid and drunk and the conversation was about 'options of how/when to propose', which in a way makes it worse because a) he defiantly spoke about this weekend and my 30th and not options and b) I don't want to feel like I did the last few months, waiting for and expecting a proposal. I feel like he had the perfect opportunity and now its ruined, hugely by me mentioning it and by his misleading me.
In fairness he has tried to be as nice as possible but I feel so let down and my weekend away has been ruined, not to mention for my friends who had to put up with us arguing. It just feels crap, particularly as it isn't something I've been hankering after or pestering him for

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