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When they move on quickly

(14 Posts)
SeaCreature Wed 30-Mar-16 10:58:05

I'm not sure what I want from this thread. Perhaps just to vent and maybe for someone to tell me not to be so dramatic? Sorry if this ends up being too long but I don't want to drip feed.

I officially separated from my ex about 18 months ago and got my Decree Absolute through at the start of January. It was mostly an emotionally abusive relationship, turning to physical when we got married. I actually posted on here, under a different username, when I was feeling scared about the relationship. Every poster told me to LTB. For that I am grateful to those posters as they gave me the strength I needed to leave. I eventually left as I needed time to get my ducks in a row. I do not regret leaving and don't miss him at all. I got a new job, moved to a lovely house, reconnected with old friends, met new people, took up a new hobby.

I started divorce proceedings quite quickly as I'm 34 (33 at the time), have no kids and wanted to put it all behind me. He was (is still) living in the house we jointly owned so I wanted to get that sorted so I wasn't held responsible for the house. Although he did agree to pay the mortgage, of course he started to default on the payments and it was left to me to sort out. When I went back to the house to pick of the rest of my stuff it was an absolute tip. I mean it wasn't just messy-dirty pans covered the kitchen floor, stuff covering the living room floor type of thing, shit being left in the toilet and evidence of porn use. I spent a fortune on solicitor's fees to get him to respond to get things sorted out. Then all of a sudden he started to co-orporate, agreed to the divorce and buy me out of the house. There was still the underlying control though such as doing things on his terms.

Now to the issue. I am still Facebook friends with a couple of his family. I like them so didn't bother to delete them. A couple of months ago I noticed on my Facebook feed that they liked a picture of his- one with a woman. It is the shock of him moving on that has got to me. I did a bit of snooping and saw that this has been going on for a while. He has cleverly not posted anything until the divorce but she has. There is a check in to a posh hotel back in July so this must have been going on for a while before then?

I don't know how I am feeling. I knew it was inevitable but how can someone so nasty find someone so quickly? I don't even know how he met her as he never goes out. Then there is the sadness as he never took me anywhere, whereas their Facebook is full of places they have been. When I wanted to go somewhere it would lead to a row and me being told I 'can't have it all'.

I am yet to find someone. I have been OLD and it is just soul destroying. I posted on here a while back about meeting someone who turned out to be selfish. That seems to be the way. Men either aren't interested in me as I am very quiet, only want one thing or are single for a very good reason. I find it difficult to meet someone in real life as I am too quiet. I get over looked. Even the married women get more attention.

Sorry this is so long and seems 'poor me'. I just want some hope that I will find someone. I see around me people meeting someone else quite quickly. How to they do it? How to you deal with your ex finding someone when you remain single?

loveyoutothemoon Wed 30-Mar-16 11:07:46

You seemed OK and settled until that, it's just a case of sour grapes. Maybe she will see what a nasty man he is, and you will remind yourself that you are better off without!

SeaCreature Wed 30-Mar-16 16:11:23

Thanks for your reply. I don't know if it is sour groups. I guess I hoped karma would get him but know that life isn't always like that. When I told him I was unhappy in the relationship, instead of trying to work things through he ranted at me and said some hurtful things. One of these was that if I left I would have to cope with him moving on and seeing him with someone else.

I was hurt at the time as he implied that I would be lonely whilst he met someone else. It seems that has come true. He is the sort of person who always has to be right and things have to be done his way because he knows best. Yet again he proves to himself he is right.

I do know I am much better without him and I feel sorry for his new woman. It is the fear too of being on my own forever and loneliness is starting to set in.

hurtandconfued2016 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:34:59

Sending you hugs!
My ex was in a new relationship 3 days after leaving me 32 weeks pregnant. 10 weeks on I am still a mess! It hurts and angers me that he is now happy and having the relationship we had with someone new and I'm sitting with a broken heart.

Hellanddalmation Wed 30-Mar-16 16:38:39

Remember fb is only what people want you to see ie a load of bollocks most of the time. You are sad perhaps because it looks so wonderful and you didn't have that, or maybe did in the early days. He is only probably showing this woman his "best side" at present. When he gets more comfortable then is when the personality you had to put up with will come out.
Then you may feel a little sorry fo her! It's not a race to get the first relationship. Quality over quantity. You are young. Go and try loads of new things if you can, you will have a great time and meet new people eg am dram, cycling club, anything! Local groups for a hobby etc.

Hellanddalmation Wed 30-Mar-16 16:41:39

Meant to add, the old (groan) cliche time heals. Hope my pp didn't come over as patronising. Didn't mean it that way at all.

magpie17 Wed 30-Mar-16 16:50:27

I moved on very quickly after my break up with my ex-husband, just a few months. There was no abuse from either side but I think his family would have been a bit taken aback to find out I had moved on. In my case I deleted them all off Facebook, not because I didn't like them, but because the relationships were over really as a consequence of the divorce. Sadly that's how it goes in these things. I would suggest you delete your connections to your ex, honestly you don't need to know what he's doing and vice versa. Maybe this is what you need to do to move on. You will need your privacy yourself when the time is right for a new relationship.

For me, my rebound person is the love of my life and within 4 years of splitting from ExH I was married with a baby. That's rare though, your ex is probably just testing the waters with a rebound person. The fact is though, that regardless of how horrible he was to you, he is allowed to move on whenever he wants and what he's doing is none of your business. If I were you I would delete those contacts and not give it any more thought.

SeaCreature Wed 30-Mar-16 19:14:31

Hurtandconfused-sorry to hear about your experience. You do wonder what sort of woman who hooks up with man who has just left his pregnant partner.

Hell-you didn't come across as patronising. Thanks for the advice. I have been out there trying new things. When I look back over the last 18 months I have achieved so much. I want to be in the right relationship and I'm not prepared to settle. I've actually been told that I am too fussy but all I want is someone who respects me and is fun to be around.

Magpie-I like hearing about stories like yours as it gives me hope that there is someone out there and there is no time limit on when you meet that person.

ElanoraHeights Wed 30-Mar-16 19:45:34

I hate that 'too fussy' thing! I've heard that too but I've had some pretty awful relationships, one of which was very EA, so I think I've been the opposite and now it's good for me to have some standards. If I'd been more fussy before, perhaps I wouldn't have put up with some of the idiots I've been out with for so long.

There is a chance that your ex knows that you will see those photos and it's a way of getting at you. He won't know for definite that you've seen them but there's a good chance and he will love knowing that he can upset you still. I echo other posters with their advice of cutting all contact. You could always e-mail the relatives and explain briefly why you are defriending them. I did this when I split up with the ex who was EA. Any mutual friends had a 'I'm sorry but I'm going to have to defriend you' message and they were all nice about it.

As for him moving on quickly, he is shallow so he will be able to find someone quickly. For many EA/narcissist men, all they want is for someone to adore them or for them to control and they can generally turn on the charm quite easily when they want to.

You, on the other hand, have a bit more about you and, quite sensibly, don't want to settle for the first man that comes along.

TrixieBernadette Wed 30-Mar-16 20:12:59

It's hard when they're in a relationship before you. ExH got together with someone serious after a year. I took another three on top of that. What was worse was I had to see him because of kids and I got no end of patronising comments.

All I can suggest is remove them all from your FB and stay clear of it all.

Balders74 Wed 30-Mar-16 20:25:06

I can relate to this. My XH was EA not physical but pretty unbearable to live with. He's rude, grumpy, lazy etc etc, however since we split up at the beginning on last year he has had numerous girlfriends. He even turned up on Xmas day to pick up the kids with a random woman that the kids had never met.

I have no desire to be with this man, I spent 16 years with him & other than our 2 DC, it was a waste of my time. But I can't understand how he is getting these women but I do know that he can't keep up the mr nice guy act for very long.

Just thank your lucky stars that it is not you still stuck with this arsehole.

SeaCreature Wed 30-Mar-16 20:26:35

I agree. Removing his family from FB is the best thing. I'm not FB savvy so when the first photo appeared on my timeline it was a shock and I was confused why it was there until I realised that his sister liked it.

Elanora-you're right in so many ways. When I look back I think the only reason he was with me was that I paid him compliments and let him have his own way. I wish I was fussy when I met him as I probably would have never married him. I don't see myself as being fussy, just having a clearer picture now of what sort of relationship I want. The being called fussy though hurt and made me fearful that I would end up alone.

Hellanddalmatian Wed 30-Mar-16 20:49:59

I do get it why a certain type of woman will go out with this type of man. I was codependent until I got counselling many years ago. Although I had standards re didn't go out with married men, any man was better than no man. I think you are having a natural reaction Op. Go out and build a new . life for yourself. The more fulfilled you are as you build your new life and interests, the more the chance you will attract someone emotionally healthy. flowers

hownottofuckup Wed 30-Mar-16 20:58:00

I think you're reaction is natural too OP.
And I've certainly been there too. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's perfectly normal and you will get over it.
I think for me, I was a bit upset at what I saw as the bloody injustice of it!
But like I said, you do get over. Onwards and upwards.

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