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would you allow this?

(24 Posts)
minop Tue 29-Mar-16 21:40:03

I found out 4 weeks ago that my DH had been suspended from work for sexual harassment, short story I sent him packing but after a week let him back after we spoke about everything (or so I thought). Last week he was sacked. When reading his dismissal letter I found out that it wasn't a bit of flirting that when too far like he told me but that he had sexual assaulted and groped a girl at work after months of texting her. I've got rid of him and I'm very happy with that decision.
I feel like I never really knew who he was. We were happily married for 5 years and together for 8. Nothing ever seemed wrong. I never saw this coming and it seems so out of character for him. But it was there in black and white.

We have 2kids together aged 3 and 4. I have an older girl of 13.

My dilemma is I work in retail and have a good job, they are been great and reducing my hours but I work some weekends. I need him to have the kids at the weekend. Not the eldest as she won't go anywhere near him at the moment. But the younger 2. He's said he's got nowhere to take them so unless I let him stay at my house for the day then he's not having them. I think this will mess with their heads as daddy is back then gone again. I told him we need to separate the time so they know it's different. He's now refusing to have them unless I agree. He could take them to his sisters but said why should I rely on them. Yet I have had them single handed all week without even a text to ask how they are. He said this was because I told him not to beg me but me and the kids are two different things. He's gone from a family man that everybody loved to a stranger I don't even know at all

My question is how would you feel letting you ex free in your home for a day? Playing happy family's just to go again? And do you think it would harm the kids for this? I'm I right in thinking it would?

RandomMess Tue 29-Mar-16 21:47:33

Absolutely not, it would blurring the boundaries. Not appropriate for your older dd either where would she go to avoid him?

I would try and find alternate childcare and just assume he isn't actually that bothered about seeing his DC sad

Either that or he is more interested in trying to control you than spend time with his DC angry

BonitaFangita Tue 29-Mar-16 21:49:45

What a horrible situation minhop, I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. I don't have any experience but I'm sure this can't be healthy for them and he's coming across as very manipulative, as I read in another thread, if you hadn't seen the children for a week how much effort would you make to see them?

littleleftie Tue 29-Mar-16 21:50:14

absolutely not.

Why does he have to sit in your house? Where is he living? He is using this as leverage to wheedle his way back in or control you . I would do anything you can to avoid this situation.

imeatingthechocolate Tue 29-Mar-16 21:55:42

no no no no no find a friend get a nanny dog in someone anyone else he is trying to get back in this is manipulating you totally

Foxsox Tue 29-Mar-16 21:57:29

No.
He takes them To where he is living or they go to an alternative child care.
Tbh long term swapping shifts might be the beat option.
It's likely best for your older DD too, that way you and all of your DC can be together.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

JimmyChoosChimichanga Tue 29-Mar-16 22:01:33

No way. There has to be another way.

RealityCheque Tue 29-Mar-16 22:14:07

No. Fucking. Way.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Mar-16 22:20:41

He sexually harassed a young female colleague by continually texting her and sexually assaulted her by groping her in the workplace. I'm surprised he was suspended when his conduct was grounds and cause for instant dismissal. And lied to through his perverted teeth to you. What a sleazebag he is and no wonder your dd doesn't want to see him.

Do NOT allow him to be in your home at any time and categorically NOT in your absence. As for having nowhere to entertain his dds when you're at work, now that spring is on the way there'll be no shortage of all day events he can take them to and if it's raining, there's softplay/cafes/restaurants/childrens cinema etc where he'll see/meet up with umpteen other dfs who are in the same boat, albeit sans the eau de scumbag that fouls the air around him.

If you're on reasonable terms with your SIL could you ask her to mind your youngest dds on the basis that you'll return the favour or pay her to look after them? Do you/your 13yo know a 16+ girl who'll keep her company while babysitting them for a reasonably modest sum?

Is the destined to be exh paying maintenance for his dc and do you intend to divorce him in the near future?

DoreenLethal Tue 29-Mar-16 22:25:39

I'm surprised he was suspended when his conduct was grounds and cause for instant dismissal.

He would have been suspended pending an investigation, as this is the proper way of doing things. You cant just sack someone without investigating things.,

DoreenLethal Tue 29-Mar-16 22:26:13

And no way would he set foot in my house again.

VelvetSpoon Tue 29-Mar-16 22:27:58

He's living somewhere now so why can't he take them there?

Alternatively as Goddess says he can take them to various places - softplay, park etc.

Tbh I wouldn't rely on him for childcare, and would put a reliable fallback in place EVEN IF he says he'll take them out, to where he's living etc. There's always the risk of him just not turning up.

Do you have any family to rely on as backup? Alternatively do you get on OK with your SIL/other members of his family? (do his family know about why he lost his job? If so even though blood is thicker than water, I'd hope they are pretty disgusted with him and would want to help you out) Could any of them help out?

minop Tue 29-Mar-16 23:21:40

Thank you!

It's so hard to know your doing the right thing! I'm not letting him near the house. He had a key till an hour ago still as said until his name was off the house he was keeping the key. No Way was that happening!!!

SIL's are no goes. They always hated me and never spend time with the kids. They see them less that 2 times a year although live 10 mins away. Luckily my family are amazing, I have a good support network but the struggle is I hate asking for help, I need to suck that up though!

My mums disabled so don't want to put on her too much and my sister is heavily pregnant. My step mum is great and my brother has even stepped.

Why can't he? He's couch surfing at the moment so hasn't got a base. He tried telling me this was my fault as I told him to go! He's sicker than I thought!!!!

Blu Tue 29-Mar-16 23:27:44

There are circumstances in which I would co-parent after an amicable split perhaps with older kids and be happy for a trustworthy ex to look after DC in my house, but in your circumstances, NFW!
It would be a horrible situation for your 13 yo: she must not be expected to spend time with him, especially without other adult company / supervision
He has demonstrated that he is a liar and capable of huge betrayal, so he can't be trusted
And it would be confusing for the little ones,
Plus, how are you supposed to begin to recover from the horrendous shock of what he has done and the break up if he is always in your sanctuary? Your home? You need your home to be a safe space, for you.

Very sorry you have all this to contend with, OP.

AnotherEmma Tue 29-Mar-16 23:30:37

Have you got legal advice yet? If not you need to start shortlisting solicitors pronto.

minop Wed 30-Mar-16 15:25:44

I don't even know where to start with all that! Hoping we can just diy 50/50. Just want his stuff gone and have his kids 1/2 times a week. Hoping it doesn't get too nasty but I don't know who he is so this ride could be anything!!!

AnotherEmma Wed 30-Mar-16 15:40:01

Well, from what you've said so far it sounds unlikely that he will be reasonable. However, if you are lucky and can do a DIY divorce, including financial settlement and arrangements for the children, without appointing a solicitor, you will still need to get initial legal advice from a solicitor about the process, your entitlements (yours and his), and the options.

Blu Wed 30-Mar-16 16:01:02

50/50 is not the norm if you are housing and supporting the children !

AnotherEmma Wed 30-Mar-16 16:18:31

Some links for you, OP
Ending a marriage (Citizens Advice)
PDF Guide to Divorce
PDF Guide to Financial Arrangements after Marriage Breakdown

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 30-Mar-16 17:42:06

Good for you in saying no. He's got a wealth of options: Mcds, libraries, soft play, parks, plenty of places he can take them.

When this one gets pulled - 'if I can't have them in the house I won't have them at all' - stamp pout, tongue stuck out it often seems to boil down to 'contact' meaning laying on the sofa, eating out of the fridge, drinking coffee and watching tv, doing bugger all parenting while the kids do their own thing. Ya know, basically just like being married.

minop Wed 30-Mar-16 17:56:29

Thank you guys. I'm going to get on this quick. Luckily we don't have assets to divide so it is just an agreement on the kids. Fingers crossed!

Hopefully he will step up and stop been an arse!

AnotherEmma Wed 30-Mar-16 18:05:07

Is the house rented or owned/mortgaged? Is it in joint names or one?

Even if the house is rented, not owned, there will be finances for the children to discuss. Assuming you will be the resident parent, he will need to pay you child maintenance. Maybe check the legal minimum (which is calculated according to his income and how often he will have the children overnight) to make sure he pays it.
cmoptions.org

I think it's unlikely he will stop being an arse. But you never know! Good luck.

minop Wed 30-Mar-16 18:10:49

House is rented in joint names but he's already booked an appointment with housing to have his name took off.

When he gets a job he's going to give me the right amount as well. So he says at the moment. I know all could change at any point.

AnotherEmma Wed 30-Mar-16 18:12:17

Sounds good. Hope he follows through on his child maintenance promise but if not you can pay CMO a small fee (£20 I think) to get him to pay.

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