Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

but needing a bit of support

(11 Posts)
MrsDeathOfRats Tue 29-Mar-16 21:10:20

So I've backed and forth with dh for a while now about separation. We both know it's the only way things can go as it will never work but yet we kept trying.
The last few days have gone like this:

(We were in a semi sort of separated state but still living together)

Saturday: let's give it another, proper try. Both will seek help independently and he will try to be more considerate of me.
Sunday : life as normal.
Monday (our wedding anniversary) went out for lunch and took DC to a play park.
Today: huge row.
He has stated the following:

- I want everything my own way. (This is towards anything I say. He doesn't think my approach to an issue is correct but has no alternative solution to offer)
- I bully Dd (3.8) by giving her this rule or that rule. I am only interested in controlling everyone.
- I have not been fulfilling my 'duty' to him as his wife - read: we don't have much sex. (Btw, I asked if I had a duty to put out when he wants does he have the same duty to me and he says no)
- I am stupid and lazy for not working, and being a full time mum to 2 under 4, whilst doing a degree course so WE could have a better life instead of getting a minimum wage shelf stacking job.

I know. Lucky escape!!!
But yet I'm still sad. I didn't want it to end this way. I didn't want it to end. But it has.
He is so angry. He isn't English, so we have a culture clash.

The sex thing came up like this
'I will have to a bastard and go cheat on you cos you don't do your duty to me!'
Me: ' what duty? You surely don't mean sex? I am supposed to perform whenever you desire is that what you mean?'
Him 'I don't have to always go inside you but yes, you are my wife and it is your duty!'

I was left like this shock

Right now I think I'm a bit stunned, and a bit numb cos we have been back and forth on this for like 4 months now so it sort of doesn't feel entirely real.
Feel like I'm trying to run through treacle.
It's just so strange that you can marry and have 2 kids with someone and realise you hardly know anything about them really

3perfectweemen Tue 29-Mar-16 21:17:18

You are better off without him, that's emotional abuse! He sounds like an animal no offense .angry

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 29-Mar-16 21:20:28

Tonight he has genuinely behaved like one.

Told me I don't know what it's like to struggle cos I'm English and everything is easy for me. But also this country is shit and English are just stupid.

I know I'm better off without him. I do know that.
I'm better off in many ways, emotionally, financially, mentally.
But it's hard to accept that it's over. Probably because unlike in my earlier relationships without children you can't just cut off that part of your life.
We are linked forever. And I hate the idea of that

HoppingForward Tue 29-Mar-16 21:21:06

It is so sad when you realise it's not going to turn out like you had hoped but he sounds vile, do you even want a sexual relationship with him and that attitude?

What's the state of your affairs, name on deeds, home owners etc?

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 29-Mar-16 21:32:34

Council flat, in my name only.

We never shared finances and we have a car in both names that we can sell and split evenly as we purchased it 50/50.

Only thing we can't split are the kids. They stay with me. Which he knows and has never even brought up the idea of them living with him.

Just sad and it's going to devastate Dd. DS is too young to really get it but Dd will be destroyed when he leaves.

She's the only reason I've worked so hard and stayed so long

ConferencePear Tue 29-Mar-16 21:33:38

If there is no prospect of this ever working and if he dislikes this country ands its people so much perhaps he should go somewhere more congenial. Just make sure you have your children's passports and a proper grasp on your joint assets.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 29-Mar-16 21:36:53

Passports are already at my mums.
Although doesn't make much difference as DC have dual nationality and he can get Algerian passports for them at any time without my help.

He is in a place in his head where there is no good country. They are all shit. They are all corrupt. Some are just less shit then others.
Where as I think 'some are better then others'

We just see life so very differently.
Still, tonight I am sad. And the time it's going to take for him to move out is going to be long and hard keeping up a pretence for Dd's sake.

HoppingForward Tue 29-Mar-16 21:38:03

At least the lease is in your name. If all is done, it is very sad but you can get over it and the DC will as well.

I waited, and now DD2 will have nothing to do with her dad, that is sad but her choice.

I soo wish I had made the move to leave sooner, maybe she wouldn't be so intent on not seeing him, who knows.

MrsDeathOfRats Tue 29-Mar-16 21:46:46

A while back I claimed back loss of bank charges.

I got a much larger sum then I was expecting and decided I could afford to buy a MacBook. It has made my studies so SO much better and easier. and I'm an apple geek he never really said anything much about it.

Except today he said 'when you got your money back what did you buy me?? Nothing! You go off buying laptops and keyboards and being selfish!'

This coming from a man who expects me to take money from savings to cover 'my half' of household purchases whether it's an item I wanted or not!

TheNaze73 Wed 30-Mar-16 07:35:23

It sounds like neither of you are happy, even if he isn't articulating it particularly well. I think you both know the answer as its not fair on either of you.

MrsDeathOfRats Wed 30-Mar-16 09:51:00

I feel like he tricked me.
Like he tricked me back into feeling we would work at it again and then HE said we should separate. So now he can say he is leaving me, not me leaving him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now