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PPD? I feel so guilty, but I hate my new life...(10 Posts)
Please help me, and know that I feel so terrible even admitting this but I hate the life I have now. Maybe it's because my SO does as well, or at least I get the sense he does, so we're both in this life that we resent. I became pregnant unexpectedly. We were both excited, and I didn't doubt I wanted to have her...she's beautiful, I look at her and smile and I'm happy to be her mom but these feelings of hating the life I live are so overwhelming I can't find joy in my every day life.
I miss most, my relationship with my SO, I miss the freedom, I miss being able to go out together, I miss working out together. I have a lot of friends and family, I go to the gym, I still go out, I stay active, I am open with my family on how I feel. I just miss him and I, I feel he has continued his life, he goes out still, he makes friends, he does things with others than him and I used to do because it is always last minute and we can't get a babysitter that quickly. I think he resents that, or he enjoys it, but slowly I feel our relationship slipping away. And he doesn't understand that work it takes to maintain, if I try to stress the importance of date night or doing things together its as if I am trying to control his life (I am 32, he is 38). He is young at heart, likes to socizliaze, goes out with younger people to bars, things I can't do with him without notice. And asks to do things that just aren't feasable with a baby, and then gets upset when I tell him we can't just drop everything and go to this or that, we have a baby.
If I try to tell him I want to work out with him, he tells me we don't need to do that anymore together, that he is here with me during the day on weekends. He leaves at night to go to the gym during the week usually, I work full time, try to see my friends and family but it's like everything we do is seperate, and it is okay with him. That is no relationship and I feel like I am basing my happiness on that. If I had a more supportive partner that looked at this as a team effort, and didn't continue to live his life as before I think it would be easier on me. I have told him about PPD, and how I am feeling but it doesn't really phase him. I don't think he takes it seriously.
I feel alone, and can't stop thinking about my old life, being able to go on trips, go out, etc. We get babysitters evbery now and then, but then the nights he goes out it seems to be so much more fun, or something that I really missed out on, and I fear we will lose our connection and he will find it with others if it continues.
I want to be the best, present mom i can be. But I'm sad, lonely and scared.
I don't see this as PPD, i see this as your SO being a twat and carrying on as if he hasn't just become a father. He needs, in the words of many others, and in many other posts, to get a fucking grip. You should be able to go out to the gym, if that's your thing, as often as he does FFS.
That doesn't sound like PPD at all, the things you specifically describe
It sounds like you have a selfish partner. You should both have equal leisure time. It can be more difficult to do things together, granted, but why is he the one who gets to carry on life as "normal" and you are left holding the baby while he does so ?
So it seems like you are shouldering the burden of parenthood whilst his life has remained intact.
What you need to do is explain his role to him clearly and see if he steps up to the mark.
At the minute he can just wiz here and there without a second thought because he is automatically assuming you will be looking after baby.
Tell him that from here on in you want equal leisure time, pick some days of the week and just go and relax with friends - even if you don't want to - just so he experiences your life.
Also Spring surprises on him - oh I'm off to the gym see you later' see how he likes that!
You have a wonderful set up it seems apart from him!
Good luck oh and why not ask granny to babysit every second Saturday so you can plan alone time together
It's not ppd op you have a selfish insensitive partner
Thank you all...I kind of expected these answers. Any advice on how to just start focusing on my and my babies happiness, stop worrying about him and our relationship. I fear the day I do stop worrying because I know it will be no more. I don't feel he has that excitement for me anymore, I almost feel as if I'm a "washed up" mom now, with no spontinetiy or fun in his eyes (this is where I feel PPD). I find myself taking furstration out on her, not in any terrible way but just not being as patient as I would like to be. I focus a lot on the love and family I want. The sweet, innocent, true love, the one that celebrates anniversaries and plans date nights and talks for hours. Nothing of that occurs, its just bickering and fighting all the time over his lifestyle, and him feeling that I am jealous, insecure, and broken. I honestly feel like soemtimes if I would just dissapear with our daughter it would make his life so much easier, he told me that this is not where he saw his life, he had other plans, and now he feels as if he has to stay to be here for her. As I stated, this was unplanned, and unexpected.
He does help a lot around the house, helps a lot with her, feeds her at nights, is up with her, cleans, cooks, grocery shops and does encourage me to get to the gym but it feels as though I need to work around his schedule and that he still wants to live this going out kind of single life that I know will lead down a bath path when surrounded by young no-responsiblity people. Theres an ouce of jealousy/insecurity in me.
You are insecure, anxious and jealous because of his selfish behaviour. you can't rely on him. If he is unwilling to change the behaviour you'd be best off ending the relationship.
I'm surprised at your ages as l thought both of ye were about 20. 38 for goodness sake he is acting like a teenager. He needs to grow up. How that is going to happen l don't know. Could you just focus on your own life and the baby for a while meet up with friends and do your own thing and maybe his fear of being tied down will lessen. But this is not you its him. Mind yourself.
The problem is that he doesn't want to live life as a father and partner. That's not how he sees himself. He should really have had a vasectomy and been very clear to all potential partners that he will never be a good father.
I would be very, very worried that he'd be off having affairs tbh. He's living a separate life with much younger and more free people. He doesn't see himself as a family man.
I'd expect this to get a lot worse. I'm really sorry; you must feel dreadful. I don't think your depression is to do with the birth, but sadness that your boyfriend hasn't lived up to your expectations. Anyone would be sad in your situation. I think if you went on ADs all that would happen is that you would put up with it for longer.
You don't hate your life now. You hate that your husband has not stepped up to being a father. I'm not one of those people who thinks life must end or change completely when you have a baby, you can still have a social life. But you can't live like you used to do and when it's impacting you so much it's incredibly unfair of him. It doesn't sound like you trust him and this is adding to your anxiety and unhappiness. My advice? Very, very honest talk with him. Take no prisoners. Set the tone now.
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