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Dilemma - SIL 's funeral

(134 Posts)
Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 15:48:32

Hi there,

I hope you can help me. My sil (husband's sister) has passed away a bit less than 2 weeks. It's really sad as you can imagine, she had been sick for a long time so we were ready (as much as you can be ready). Dh has spent lots of time at his parents where they were caring for her sister. They were not really closed as she led a complete different (but very happy life). I have been 16 years with Dh and I probably saw her 10 times since I had known Dh. It took her 2 years to accept our invitation to meet our new ds even if she lived 1 hour 30 away from us. Anyway it was always nice to see her and we never resented her for the lack of effort in seeing us ! She had a busy life.

Now : I never particularly got on with my mil as she still insists on treating Dh like a little boy (he let her). Obviously, I'm supporting as much as I can my Dh. Trying to make his every day's life a bit easier, asking how he is ? Does he need space ?? Etc...the funeral is next week. This is my problem : I do not want to sleep where his sister died, I'm feeling really bad about it but I can't help feeling like that. Would I be horrible to suggest we go to an hotel? The funeral itself : Dh told me that he wanted me and the ds at the back and not seating with his family as he was only going to focus on his mum in case of she was going to collapse. And I say what about you ? He said I'll have my mum and dad. He doesn't want my comfort. He wants me there me and the ds but he just want me there to look after the ds...does it make sense ? I'm sorry if I don't make any sense, I have never been in this situation.

He doesn't want me to comfort him isn't he ?

OneLove10 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:02:55

I really think you should not make this about you at all. You need to be there and support him, and not compete with his family at this time. It's his sister and he wants to be as close to his parents now as he can especially if there aren't any other siblings.
If your ds sat right at the front won't that be a bit disruptive too? I think if he wants you there for support then you just need to be there regardless of where you will be sitting.
I do agree about feeling uncomfortable sleeping in the sisters bed, but it depends if it will come across as rude to go to a hotel.

IsItMeOr Tue 29-Mar-16 16:07:01

I could understand your not wanting to sleep in the actual bed where SIL died - is that what's being proposed?

Everything else, you support your DH by listening to what he is telling you he needs and going along with it. This really isn't about you.

seven201 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:08:41

If it's sleeping in her bed then I think fair enough to say no, but if just in the same house then you need to get over it. I don't see the problem with sitting at the back if that's what your husband wants you to do.

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:08:43

Yes onelove, you are completely right. I will be there no matter what but I really want to go elsewhere the night before. I hope they are all going to be ok with it. I thought that me and the ds could go to an hotel and he could go to his parents so they could spend some time together without having to worry about us !

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:09:56

We will sleep in her room, the hospital bed is going to be removed.

OneLove10 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:13:11

I think ask your Dh if he's ok with you staying over at a hotel. It's not that they might feel like they need to see to you, I think you should be there to help with whatever they need. So going to a hotel and coming back for the funeral just might come across as rude iyswim?

PresidentCJCregg Tue 29-Mar-16 16:14:14

I don't see the issue of its not her actual bed. And it sounds like you basically didn't really know her, so I do sort of understand your DH and his thoughts about the seating arrangements.

Although I can't imagine my own husband telling me I had to sit at the back of a funeral. confused

RatherBeRiding Tue 29-Mar-16 16:15:07

Sleeping in the same room - no, I wouldn't do it even if the hospital bed had been removed. Maybe some time down the road when the room had been completely redecorated and rearranged, but with her funeral not even taken place yet it would seem, to me, slightly inappropriate. Not really sure why but personally I wouldn't be comfortable with it. And if you're not, then you're not.

I wouldn't get into a discussion about it. Just say "Me and the DC are staying at a hotel so you can spend the night before the funeral with your parents".

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:16:39

I think I need to suck it up and putting myself in a happy place in my head while all of this is happening sad

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Tue 29-Mar-16 16:17:05

I think that considering he's made it clear that he needs you there for practical reasons but has his parents for his emotional support it would be perfectly OK for you and your son to go to a hotel, it sounds as though it would be beneficial if you did to be honest as it will allow him to grieve with his parents without having any of the "pressure" (for want of a better word) of worrying about / occupying / entertaining you or DS.

My condolences flowers

TendonQueen Tue 29-Mar-16 16:18:10

Could you let him go ahead and stay over the night before with his parents, and you and DS come over on the day of the funeral?

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:21:35

Me and both ds would be sleeping in the room while Dh sleeps in another single room. The house is grim and hasn't been redecorated since the 70s...I know I sound like a heartless twat...I haven't voiced my feelings to anyone but mumsnet, please forgive me.

AtSea1979 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:22:06

Rather that seems a little odd. Someone probably died in the room your in now. If not they are under your feet! Sorry but it seems strange to worry about what room your are in.

fedupofpeppa Tue 29-Mar-16 16:22:07

Maybe your dh is finding it easier to cope by trying to care for his parents rather than think about how he is feeling? My dh does this - blocks out his own feelings and tries to support others and hates being asked if he is okay. Bit weird saying sit at the back but I do sort of get saying he wants to sit with his parents if he knows this will be hard for them. Don't blame you re the room thing but if this is going to cause more upset for people then I would probably suck it up this time.

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:22:28

Tendon queen !!! I hadn't think about it !!!

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:23:58

Atsea - I thought the same, it's a old house where I'm living and I'm sure people died here...but it's my sister in law, it's a bit different.

Houseworkavoider Tue 29-Mar-16 16:26:33

Sorry for your loss.
Why will your Dh be sleeping in a different room if you don't mind me asking?

IsItMeOr Tue 29-Mar-16 16:27:42

Okay, this is sounding a bit strange now that DH is sleeping in another room to you - why?!

I would also be squeamish about sleeping in the room where she died so soon after the event.

If you can do the suggestion of going up with DC on the day, that would be a very diplomatic way around it I think.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 29-Mar-16 16:28:48

I think some people would be surprised at you sitting away from the family but if that is what DH wants then do so, your job is to support him on this most tough occasions.

I'm not a superstitious or squeamish person however I would not want to sleep in the room SIL passed away in so recently. Is your DH OK with sleeping in there? I'd be surprised if he did.

I Would express quiet authority it would not be appropriate to sleep in her room out of respect to your SIL's memory & you'll book a hotel room - taking some of the burden of organisation off DH's shoulders.

RatherBeRiding Tue 29-Mar-16 16:33:45

Atsea - because she has only just died, and not even been buried yet. And it now transpires the OP's OH won't even be sharing the same room.

It doesn't really matter why something makes you uncomfortable - if it does, it does.

Not logical maybe. I've lived in old houses, and am sure I've slept in rooms where people have died. The difference is knowing that a family member died there just 2 weeks ago!

PerspicaciaTick Tue 29-Mar-16 16:38:53

If they are only 1.5 hours away, I'd be making the funeral a day trip. Let DH stay as long as he needs to, but you and your DS don't need to stay.

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:39:21

The bed is big enought for me and the dss...I would offer to swap but I know youngest ds will want to sleep in same bed! In this bedroom, lots have happened. She suffered a lot. She last her human functions one by one...towards the end, she couldn't use her commode sad

I have never been to a funeral let alone a cremation. I'm feeling very nervous about it and I know I can't burden Dh hence why I talk about it on mumsnet.

Colourfulpast1975 Tue 29-Mar-16 16:40:20

She lost*

Pancakeflipper Tue 29-Mar-16 16:44:35

I'd book into a hotel. Just say it will be easier for your mum without having to worry about you and the children.

I get him wanting to be with his parents to grieve.
When my grandad died my grandma had herself, her children and old enough grandchildren at the front. Husbands/wives/partners and younger grandchildren were sat behind us. It was strangely comforting for us to support each other during the service. Didn't mean we didn't need the comfort and support of others - but just nice to have us together as we were so close. He'd have liked it.

Let them be together at the service, they share a set of memories and if this helps them then that's a good thing.it's not a slight on you - it's their daughter and sister.

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