FreeMo - Part 3

[AngryMo]

New Fred

[Akire]

Whoooo this is going be the best part!

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Yeeeesssss! We love good journeys.

[DollyTwat]

If it was me, I'd reiterate the reasons you e given. Then tell him it's gone on for too long, and you've tried to change it many times only to be shut down. That you don't love him any more and that it's not negotiable for you

He's had many chances to change it Mo.
You've had to negotiate for small sums of money to survive, you've had to borrow a car when yours broke down. He's not acted like a caring husband, but a dictator

He's just had a little holiday whilst you scraped enough together for Easter eggs

I have no idea how you could ever trust him again after all that

[AngryMo]

Just noticed he missed the first payment of a small DD that gets paid today, which he normally pays directly into my account (just my tiny iTunes bill). This is the start.

[Cantthinkofafunnyname]

Yay - nice shiny new thread. Are you going to NC to FreeMo too now??
He will pester you for "answers" even though you've been clear about your reasons. He will also shift the blame onto you - you haven't explained it well enough previously (even though you've been totally clear) or you've not given him a chance to change (although you have) etc etc etc...
Stuck record is your best bet. It's too late, I don't love you any more, it's over. That's all you need to say.

[AngryMo]

Damn, I should have NCed too. Oh well, next one. God knows where we will be when I get to part 4.

[Cantthinkofafunnyname]

By the time we get to thread 4 you'll be a lot more free than you are now! That's for sure.

[Akire]

Maybe as a point of discussion. You can say "in a healthy relationship there's discussion over how money is spent"

"In a healthy relationship both parties have a say in expenses"

"In a healthy relationship both parties have spending money"

"In a healthy relationship both paid work and home work is appreciated"

"In a heathy relationship both sides are aware of costs and household expenses"

You are trying to state things clearly not in a "I don't love you any more" way. This is fact. Then when he replies it to others or his mind he can be the way to say "she's crazy- she think we should have a partnership- she thinks both work and housework should be valued" all stuff that make him sound like a right tosser to any normal person going.

Once you have had the big chat I would stick to repeating we had this conversation. The only things left to discuss are housing, access, maintence. Be firm and clear. You will state facts to his face he proble not get it or argue these things don't matter. But then refuse to engage further in pointless discussion.

[Cantthinkofafunnyname]

Akire has it. Factual and unemotional. Just like him in fact!!

I also meant to say about the following round the house thing - if possible try putting headphones on. Did that when my XH was driving me mad following me around the house trying to goad me into more interminable discussions. He did call me childish when I got the iPod and headphones out but it did the trick! Obviously not really much use if you've got small Dc's around but works when they're in bed.

[PhoenixReisling]

If you are feeling this anxious about it (which is completely understandable)..

.please ask a friend/relative to stay with you when he is here. Go out as a much as possible, lock yourself in your room, leave a room when he enters it

[BoatyMcBoat]

Hi!

Just posted on your last thread, and couldn't copy it over here.

[AngryMo]

Thank you Boaty, just read it. Good advice.

[Barmaid101]

Your doing great Mo, you seem in control. Just keep everything factual and have your back up plans just in case!
free mo!

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Do try to get copies if the key documents you need, including red book, health numbers, statements etc. ,uclh harder to get later and he may try to hide them.

[mix56]

"In a healthy relationship there is caring, empathy, support, & understanding"
to add to above

[Loubilou09]

Akire has hit the nail on the head - I love that!

Mo I am going to PM you. If you ever need anything because he is trying to be clever and withhold funds, please please get in touch. I would absolutely HATE him to have any more hold of you.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

Ah, new thread - this is the home stretch hopefully.

[AngryMo]

Right. He is claiming to completely fail to understand what had brought me to 'suddenly' make this decision and says I'm being unfair by not explaining why. (Er, I've told him about 75 million times before.)
He deliberately set out to make my life as uncomfortable as possible by calculating the bare minimum to live off and he is now asking me to explain why I've come to this sudden decision?
Do I bother?

[AngryMo]

*has brought

[AngryMo]

Very tempting to set it all out in an essay-type email.

[Dollius01]

No, just write that sentence. "You deliberately set out....." Etc. Then repeat ad infinitu "I have nothing more to say, my position is unchanged"

[rumbleinthrjungle]

Don't engage honey. Akire has the nail square on the head. Wanting you to explain means 'give me things I can argue with because I can then work on winning and making you agree with me'. He reads. He speaks English. He knows exactly why you're making this decision. He is choosing not to accept it, that's a different thing and it's his problem.

He seems to have the delusion many abusive men do, that he will only accept reasons he agrees with. If he hasn't agreed, it wasn't a real justifiable reason. Ergo you may not leave him until you've given him a reason he completely agrees with. You can't argue with stupid.

[Grumpyoldblonde]

That's up to you Mo, he will argue any points you make, but it is this attitude of twisting everything which has made you 'suddenly' want to leave him.
You could make a list of bullet points but make it clear that there is no argument to be had (decision is made) - you know him best. I have heard many stories of bewildered men whose partners 'suddenly' left them, it becomes obvious that the woman has been unhappy for years and the man just did not listen.
Written down though works best IMO, talking f2f means you go round and round in circles and emotions run high and things get twisted around until you don't know where you are or what your thoughts are.

[Loubilou09]

Just ignore it Mo, I know its winding you up but just ignore it. It will really get to him and that has got to be worth so much more.

Mutter to yourself as much as you like but don't write an essay, he will not understand it and will never change.

[RandomMess]

So actually right from the start he has been punishing for you being unhappy and coming back to the UK hasn't he? The financial abuse already existed but this massively ramped it up because he wasn't actually ok with you leaving him there without his image of a perfect family.