Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Is she trying to steal him?......(66 Posts)
I have been with my OH for 8 years and we recently got engaged, I am very happy and think he is too (?)
The problem started around Christmas when one of his close work friends tragically passed away unexpectedly. Since then, he has become friendly with his friends widow, phone calls, texts and popping round to see her. I totally understood as I have always trusted him and he said she didn't have any close family or friends (I have since found out his is not true) She then started calling late at night, crying etc asking him to come round as she was lonely, sometimes he would answer and take the phone into a different room and sometimes he would cancel the call. I told him to tell her not to ring in the middle of the night (after midnight!) and thought that would be the end of it.
We had arranged to meet up with some friends over the weekend but I ended up not being able to go (babysitting issues) so he went on his own. I had no problem with this even when I tried to call and his battery had died.
When he came back (with one of our mutual friends) he plugged hi phone in and she immediately started to call him. He didn't answer the call. I was a bit pissed off as it was late again and then the mutual friend told me he had arranged to meet up with her that day and I ought to be careful as she 'wanted a piece' of him. (He said he was going to meet up with her but didn't and that she was probably calling to find out were he was) I then went through his phone, which I never have done before and he had deleted all texts to and from her and also deleted his call log. We had a huge row that ended up with him saying he wouldn't contact her again and would block her number. I felt like a bit of a bitch as she is obviously lonely and needs support. The problem is now I don't know if I trust him when he says he won't get in touch with her. We both work full time and his job means he does a lot of travelling and could be anywhere in the country. I have never been jealous before and is driving me mad that he can't see my point of view about this woman.
Am I being unreasonable???
If he was being transparent & open about it all, I would say you were. However, he's hiding things, she should not be calling that late & I totally think you have grounds for suspicion. I would be unhappy if my partner was offering this level of "support"
No I don't think you are. To put it harshly, her grief doesn't trump your marriage. The fact that he has deleted all messages means he doesn't want you to see them because he knows he has gone too far. ATM it sounds like an emotional affair.
Why does he feel the need to be the one she calls? Is he flattered? Guilty? Pity? Did he block her to shut you up or because he recognises that he is too involved.
Steal him?? He's not a puppet with no free will. Ask yourself if he's ready to be stolen. An yes, it sounds like he's up to something, sorry.
Deleting all of their correspondence is extremely dodgy. If everything is above board between them I can't think why he would feel the need to do that.
Sorry, steal doesn't seem quite the right phrase!
I have never felt this level of 'threat' to my relationship. I think he is flattered that she has chosen to pour out her grief to him but it is now too much. She has also been sleeping with her neighbour and telling OH the details. The other problem is I am only getting one side of the story, should I try and befriend her or have to trust that he will not be in contact with her again?
she is after him, and it doesnt sound like he minds too much
No I honestly don't think this poor widow of 3 months is after stealing your fiancé! It would never even cross my mind if I was in your position.
It is inappropriate however, the amount of time she is taking up of her late DH's close friend including late night calls. Your fiancé has made the mistake of being over invested his support and now it appears she is relying on it. He needs to gently remove himself, not respond as much and let her take support from other people especially now that you know that support is there. I know a widow who did this and she found contact with her DH's friends more comforting than her immediate family. Don't know if it made her feel closer to them or what. Grief is a funny thing.
I think your fiancé hiding calls may be more that he is hiding the amount of contact there is rather than actual content. I wouldn't be jealous but just tell your fiancé not to hide information and that the contact is just too much.
She's not 'stealing' him - he's not a possession. He shouldn't be encouraging this inappropriate behaviour from her.
X-post sorry - didn't see that she was sharing her sex stories with the neighbour with your fiancé. He needs to detach himself from her.
The fact he's deleted all the texts and call logs sounds beyond suspicious to me and suggests that he has something to hide.
I does like the phrase does she want to steal him, he is a person with his own mind not a piece of meat but I see you said in the update it's not quite the right phrase so I'll let you off.
I don't think your completely unreasonable.
I think what probably happened was after the sad death of his friend he tried to help his friends widow and she has got a bit attached to him and got use to having him around. I think he does need to back away from the situation before it gets any worse and not see, call and text her so much this probably has encouraged her behaviour.
I will also say that to go looking at his phone, you probably don't trust him completely. I do believe once you start checking phones etc it is a slippery slop but that is just my opinion. I've been with my dh a long time and would never go looking on his phone if I had suspicions about something I would ask him out right but I understand not everybody's marriage/ relationship is like this.
This happened to a lot of firefighters in NY after 9/11 - they got involved with the widows of their friends and their own marriages broke down as a result.
I think your husband has a lot of explaining to do. Clearly he needs to stay away from her now but if you can't trust him to do that, then your marriage isn't worth having.
He can see your point of view, he's just pretending he can't to try to convince you that what he's doing is normal and ok. It's not. You should both read 'Not just friends' by Shirley Glass. And I think you should kick him out/take a break from the relationship until he comes clean about the extent of this 'friendship' and genuinely builds trust again that he will not contact her at all. She may need support but that it not his problem. He is not the person to give it, if he wants his relationship with you to continue.
Whatever the level of support the poor widow is looking for, it is absolutely incumbent on your DH to recognise she is extremely emotionally fragile, and clearly in shock over the loss of her late DH. She is looking for a lifeline and your DH is, likely with all good intentions, trying to be a good friend, in the memory of his work friend who died.
He needs to withdraw himself from her before she becomes completely emotionally dependent on him. At some point, it will get to the stage where it gets out of his control, so the sooner he distances himself from her the better. He does not, I hasten to add, have to abandon her, but he needs to step away from daily interaction and her emotion all dependence. Unless he is a bereavement specialist he is not really equipped to help.
Maybe recommend to your DH to get her to seeks support from a professional in bereavement or an organisation like Cruse.
How do I know this? I was that devastated, frightened person (DH died suddenly no warning). I would describe it like being sucked into a black hole of despair, unable to think straight, physically in pain. I did some irrational things in the 2 month after his death that were as a consequent of grief. Please don't see her as a husband stealer, but as someone who needs compassion and professional help.
she is after him, and it doesnt sound like he minds too much
This is over simplifying the situation.
Try substituting "it doesn't sound like he minds too much" with "she is leaning on him emotionally and he feels good that he is doing something positive for his now deceased close work friend" may be closer to the situation...
Your dh is behaving very disloyally.
I wouldn't trust him.
If he has indeed blocked her number and doesn't make any further contact with the recently bereaved widow of his close workmate, you would have no cause to feel "like a bit of a bitch" as she can solicit support from the "close family and friends" he told you she didn't have.
I suggest you take heed of your mutual friend's warning as, while it would be understandable if your fiance told her to 'call anytime' when intitally conveying his condolences, even when making allowance for the fact that grief can cause irrationality I can't imagine any self-respecting woman asking your fiance to visit her late at night and, more particularly, when she knows he's home with you.
Have you set a date for the wedding? Do you have dc with your fiance and, if so, how old are they?
Please remember folks this is the Relationships board not am I being unreasonable - some of these delicate situations need to be seen in the context they are explained it isn't always a straight black and white situation.
GeorgesMummy1 it must be awful seeing all this playing out before your eyes. Stick by your DH, from what you've said he sounds lovely and to be admired, if I have interpreted the situation correctly. Bereavement is brutal and takes a lifetime for us humans to get our arms around x
Your dh is behaving very disloyally
From the outside, yes some of his actions were ill advised. I sense it could be because he may never have come across this situation before and isn't handling it at all well. Hence the reason he should leave it to the professionals and get back to life with the OP. I repeat, bereavement is brutal. Its ripple effects go far and wide, cut him some slack!
I'll step away now as I don't want to over invest and I don't have all the answers
well of course its oversimplifying the situation. Its a couple of lines.
The fact is, its inappropriate and a threat to OPs relationship
Even if this relationship cools off you still have a partner who is capable of this behaviour, OP. You have an intruder in your relationship and it's time for your standards and boundaries to make a decision about whether you will accept that. I would not, and there is no bright side to this I can see. Sorry.
At first, I was thinking there was no way she was making a play for him, so soon after her partner's death. But then you said about her sleeping with the neighbour and I was a bit .
She IS making a play for him. I'd be furious. And if she called when I was there, I would answer the call myself. That ought to cool her Jets. By the same token, she can only steal him, if he allows himself to be wooed. And if he is a man worth keeping, he will not "get stolen"
He is deleting all her messages and his replies. He is doing this because he has something to hide.
Your problem is not this woman. It is your OH who is hiding stuff from you (before you even rowed) and turning it on you being mean and stopping him helping her.
If there was nothing to hide in those messages they would still be there.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.