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How long until I feel like having a relationship?

(14 Posts)
LucyLocketLostIt Tue 29-Mar-16 11:39:01

Background: horrific, traumatic breakup 3 years ago after very long term relationship. Ex had affair while I was pregnant with DC2. He walked out pretty much straight after DC2 was born. Custody battle still ongoing. 

I have been on OLD for about 2 years. Had a couple of liaisons plus an on/off FWB for about a year, which has now ended. 

My life is pretty good now. The only thing missing is a partner. Why then, do I still feel blurgh about dating anyone?

I keep hearing stories about women being single for years and years after relationship breakdowns and I don't want to be one of them but at the same time just can't get excited about anyone. Do I just need to date more? Is it really just a numbers game or is it that I'm still not ready? And if not, how long until I am?

Tried therapy but didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. Just want to hear from other people who have been through something similar and then suddenly found someone. Not sure if the fact my youngest isn't at school yet is anything to do with it. Still juggling things a bit although I do also have quite a bit of free time too. 

summerainbow Tue 29-Mar-16 11:52:52

5 years out of shit long term marriage.
Have very very very on off long distance FWB thing for that time.
In therapy with great councillor. On the phone .
Working on my issues around realtionship.
Kids grown .
Try OLD talked to some very weird people scared myself so not doing that again for a while.

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Mar-16 12:00:17

I'm 3 years out of my last LTR, not a particularly traumatic break up in my book, but I've only very recently started feeling the urge to date. A relationship is definitely not on the cards for me right now, or possibly ever again, but I've come around to the possibility of having a casual "thing" with someone.

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Mar-16 12:06:08

There are no hard & fast rules with this IMO. Some people think they're ready after weeks & some never want to. Some people have to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship which I have never understood. Woman I work with, goes on 1 date & tells everyone she has a brilliant boyfriend etc. Keeps making the same mistakes. I think you just need to just trust your intuition on this one & there will be nothing more scientific than a "you'll know" Hope it all works out for you.

LucyLocketLostIt Tue 29-Mar-16 14:21:07

Thanks for the replies. Would you just keep plugging away with OLD or give it a rest for a bit? I chat to loads of people online. But worry that I'm wasting their time if the problem really lies with me.

I guess I just don't want to feel like this is it for the rest of my life. I'm early 40s.

Hillfarmer Tue 29-Mar-16 14:38:34

I'm five years out of an EA marriage with young children. And to be honest it has taken all my energy and emotional effort to stay afloat and do my best for them through difficult times. I haven't had any spare for anybody else and I haven't felt brilliantly attractive either.

I've only just recently felt the old stirrings - even 'appreciating' a chap was a surprise - I hadn't realised I was admiring this random guy and then it occurred to me that I was appraising someone in 'that way' and it made me smile. And yes, I don't want to die an old maid either, but my long-term hopes still seem a long way from my day-to-day feelings.

At least I think I would like to have an old style 'boyfriend'. I don't want a partner/step-dad/husband-to-be ... I really feel like I won't ever want that again. But I would like someone to have fun with, go out with, have sex with - yes please!

I don't think you need to worry about 'not getting excited' about anyone. Any traumatic break-up is bound to leave you bruised for a while. And no-one can tell you how long that will go on for. OK, so some people seem to recover their mojo quicker, but everyone is different. I am hugely cautious. The very idea of OLD makes me have kittens.

But you sound a bit more motivated than me, so maybe OLD won't be such a 'yikes' prospect. I know it has worked for people I know.

I think that you will just find you'll look at someone and think 'Ooh you're nice' without even noticing, and you'll realise that something inside has switched back on!

JellyBean31 Tue 29-Mar-16 15:16:01

I'm 18 months out of an EA marriage and I wonder the same. I had a long distance FWB thing for about 6 months, but that ended last summer. I've dabbled with OLD, been on a few dates but I'm not blown away by any of them.

I know I'm not ready for a full blown relationship - but I think I was like this before I was married. I can only think that stbxh came along at the right time (I was 25 with friends settling down and I was starting to think about kids etc) and he was definitely more persistent that other blokes. So I wonder, am I "not ready" or is this just me???

A close single friend of mine met someone at Christmas (the old fashioned way in a pub) she is really happy and I'm more than pleased for her but I am so jealous that she is in that place to like someone enough to allow herself to be vulnerable. I worry that the shell I have built to protect myself from being hurt (even while I was still married) will ultimately also stop me from being happy.

I'm going to carry on with OLD dating, cos if nothing else it keeps me entertained of an evening and hope that as others have said, when the time (and the person) is right, I'll know.

LucyLocketLostIt Tue 29-Mar-16 16:42:22

At least it's not just me. I wonder if it's normal to feel like this after a long term relationship ends badly.

LucyLocketLostIt Tue 29-Mar-16 16:44:16

Hill farmer I know what you mean about young children taking everything out of you. I think it's partly this stage of life that I'm currently in that doesn't help.

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Mar-16 18:08:27

I wonder if it's normal to feel like this after a long term relationship ends badly

I think it is. My last break up wasn't particularly bruising, but when I split with my H prior to that I actually determined I would never have a relationship again. I didn't date for over 2 years. I ended up with a FWB situation that turned into living together, then getting engaged. Then he ran off with someone else and a load of my cash, sorry no happy ever after there! confused

conversationdiva Tue 29-Mar-16 18:15:42

I feel exactly the same so you're not alone. My LTR broke up two years ago after my ex cheated on me and the OW got pregnant. I couldn't believe the way he moved on - instantly, as if I had never existed. He's still with her playing happy families while I've lost all interest a relationship. I just don't feel attracted to anyone and I can't see myself being in a relationship for a long time. I'm very 'meh' about dating, can't seem to get excited about anyone. I don't want to end up alone and I would like children in the future but I'm unsure of how it will ever happen if I carry on feeling like this.

LucyLocketLostIt Tue 29-Mar-16 19:51:26

That's exactly how I feel conversation diva. Although I was quite in lust with my FWB I suppose. Until that all went wrong. But at least I know I can still fancy someone.

I think it must be a numbers game. Just need to meet more people maybe. But it's hard to get enthusiastic about dating. At the moment it feels like more of a chore!

LucyLocketLostIt Tue 29-Mar-16 19:59:45

Sorry about your FWB sitch pocket saviour. Why are we attracted to the wrong uns!

pocketsaviour Tue 29-Mar-16 20:12:30

Honestly I've only got myself to blame. He really wasn't LTR material but he persuaded me otherwise and I chose to ignore the blazing red flags! But then - I didn't think I wanted a LTR. I'm much more clear about what I want now.

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