Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

very new boyfriend died suddenly, feeling very alone

(18 Posts)
user1459237618 Tue 29-Mar-16 09:04:19

Hello, first time poster but serial lurker. I've been seperated for 2 years with 2 young dcs.. Been OLD off and on for about 10 months.. After some good times and some disasters I met a lovely guy only 2 weeks ago.. We had 2 dates, lots of messaging during the day each other all day, talking on the phone in the evening.. He was a totally lovely guy and I felt like I had struck gold at last! He told his mum about me on Friday, on Saturday I got a phone call from his brother to say he'd had a massive brain injury on his way to work and was in icu, on Sunday he died. I feel completely bereft and heartbroken, I am missing him so much I feel ill. He was so loved going by his fb page, there are hundreds of messages. I feel I've got no right to grieve him as I only knew him such a short time.. His family and friends have all got each other, I feel so alone as only his mum knew I existed. Life has been very hard for me since my ex left (OW), I don't now how I'm going to pick myself up from this (again). I don't really need advice it's just helped writing it down.

IdealWeather Tue 29-Mar-16 09:06:41

I think you have every rigjht to grieve for him. It doesn't matter you knew him for a short period, he had touched your heart in that time.

GlitteryFluff Tue 29-Mar-16 09:09:01

Oh what a shock. thanks
Of course you can grieve.
Be kind to yourself.

YouMakeMyDreams Tue 29-Mar-16 09:12:11

A friend had a similar situation a man she had been due to meet after talking for a while was killed in an accident in his way home from abroad working on the weekend they were meeting.
She hadn't met him in real life but had the same emotions and felt silly feeling that way.

But ideal is right he touched your heart for a time. You will also be grieving the things that could have been as well. There is also the sadness at having put yourself out there for someone and it being so cruelly snatched away.
You're allowed your feelings and they are normal and ok. flowers be nice to yourself.

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Mar-16 09:16:20

What a tragic set of events. If you liked someone, you liked someone, regardless of the time you knew them. YouMakeMyDreams ends her post so well and it mirrors my thoughts

RhombusRiley Tue 29-Mar-16 09:29:03

How awful, you poor thing. Can you write to his mum? IME people do appreciate a card or letter with kind words saying what the person meant to you. You could tell her how you feel - that you only knew him so briefly and only she knew about you, and you don't want to intrude but that he meant a lot to you in that time and you thought he was lovely.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Mar-16 09:37:10

flowers How awful for you and for his loved ones.

Please pour your heart out in a letter of condolence to his dm as I am sure she will take comfort from knowing that his last days were happy ones in which he was looking forward to seeing you again, as you were him, and that he made such a favourable impression on you in such a short time.

I hope you are able to attend his funeral and meet with those who know that he was, indeed, "gold", and were privileged to keep company with him for longer than the brief time you shared together.

Grieving for those who've passed is a way of honouring their lives and you have every reason to grieve for this lovely man who gave you so much hope of a better future and who would want you to look forward to a time when life will be easier for you.,

user1459237618 Tue 29-Mar-16 09:44:00

Thank you everyone - that's a really good idea about writing a card to his mum I will definately do that. I went to the hospital the day before he died and his mum and dad let me sit with him and hold his hand they were lovely to me. He told me I'd made him so happy, it was far too soon to say I love you, but we both definately felt it. His ex gf (of 8 years, split up last summer) was with him when he died which was the right thing I suppose. Thank you.

Ifiwasabadger Tue 29-Mar-16 10:14:10

What a terribly tragic thing to happen, I'm so sorry for your loss.

You are not just grieving for the man you met, you are grieving for the future and potential life you could have had together. Completely natural to feel the way you do.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.

An unmummsnetty hug x

YourLeftElbow Tue 29-Mar-16 10:35:18

Oh you poor thing. My sincerest condoleces. Hope you're bearing up x
I think his family and friends would find comfort in the fact that he had been happy and had been loved in that special way at the end of his life.
I'd also copy the messages and print them off in case your phone crashes or something. It would be nice for ypu to have them on paper, a real memento of the great times you had with him.
Huge hugs x

redgoat Tue 29-Mar-16 10:59:40

How terribly sad. I echo the others, do write to his DPs.

Take care of yourself. You are allowed to grieve too. flowers

FishWithABicycle Tue 29-Mar-16 10:59:59

Of course you have every right to grieve him and should go to his funeral and do whatever else is helpful. Obviously his friends and wider family don't know you and probably never will now but that doesn't invalidate what you had.

So sorry for your loss. flowers

Fraggleyourock Tue 29-Mar-16 11:01:49

I'm so sorry this has happened to you! Please take care of yourself, and let yourself grieve! thanks

purplepandas Tue 29-Mar-16 11:07:53

Sending love your way. I agree re grieving for the future. Grief is ever complex and it is what it is. flowers for you and please do be kind to yourself. I am truly sorry for the loss of your boyfriend.

Burgerbobismydad Tue 29-Mar-16 11:10:27

I'm so sorry. My DFIL died a short while ago and he had been seeing someone he liked very much, although sadly we never met her until after he died suddenly. We were so pleased to hear their date stories, it was lovely to hear about another side of someone we loved. We were also only too happy to have her sit with us before and during the funeral, she was worried she may be intruding but we didn't feel that at all. A letter or lovely card would be much appreciated I'm sure. Share photos of you both if you have any. I'm so sorry for your loss. Xxx

EweAreHere Tue 29-Mar-16 11:22:37

I'm so sorry, OP.

Don't feel silly about feeling so bereft. I think it's natural to grieve what could have been.

A card for his mother is a lovely idea.

user1459237618 Tue 29-Mar-16 11:23:15

Thank you all for your lovely messages.. It is true I'm grieving for a future and love that can now never happen - I know I'll feel better in time but at the moment I feel completely bereft .
That's comforting burger about your FIL, I'm definately going to the funeral, his family seem lovely, but very close-knit, I'm hoping I'll be able to talk to his mum and dad.

user1459237618 Tue 29-Mar-16 11:55:11

And I'm so sorry for your friend youmakemydreams - that's awful, I know exactly how she must have felt

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now