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Touching me when I'm sleeping [Trigger warning added by MNHQ]

(39 Posts)
DottyButtons Tue 29-Mar-16 02:08:00

I've nc'd for this. I'm not sure why but I have.

For back ground I left my ex bf of 2.5 years approx 3 months ago. I missed my home town and felt lonely. We had been trying to get pregnant but due to my pcos things weren't happening. I felt unsupported by him and decided to cut my losses, that I'd rather not have children than have them with a man who's being lazy and disinterested. It was a huge decision for me to make, and I have been grieving for the relationship and the likely new reality that I'll never have a family of my own. So it's been tough. I've moved back to my hometown, about 50 miles from where I was living and have started a new job, it's been busy.

My Ex and I have still been in contact, via sporadic texting. I'd left some things by mistake at our old house, which I collected while he was at work, he knew I was collecting them and had left me a letter, basically saying he was sorry, that he has realised his mistakes and would like to try again. That he wanted a family with me and he still loves me.

I agreed to see him, I work night shifts and he picked me up from work on bank holiday Monday at 7am, it was the last of three night shifts and I was shattered. He came back with me to my house and we sat and chatted, just about work and general day to day life, nothing serious. I told him I was shattered and needed to get some sleep. He was tired too as he was up early. So we went up stairs and got into bed, me in my pj's and him in his t shirt and pants. I was asleep within minutes. I half woke up after a few hours as I could feel that he'd put his fingers inside me, downstairs and that my pyjama top had been pulled up and my breasts exposed.
I just laid there frozen as my brain was still sleepy and tired and I didn't know what the fuck to do anyway.
I felt him reach under his pillow and I could hear him using his phone. I think he was talking pictures. I rolled over and he got up and went downstairs. I got up about half an hour later but didn't say anything to him about it. He was acting his normal self and he went back home shortly after.

I've text him asking if something happened in bed last night as I had a weird feeling and he fessed up straight away, that he had felt and sucked my breasts and put his finger inside me, that he was sorry and that he has 'a problem with boundaries,' that he took a selfie of us as I looked 'cute asleep' but has since deleted it.

I feel really violated but I don't know if I'm working myself over nothing and I should let it go because I got into bed with him. But then I know that I didn't consent to him touching me in a sexual way. I feel all confused, and to be honest I don't know what I'm feeling. I don't know what I'm expecting from this post either. But I just needed to write it down and get it out of me.

houseeveryweekend Tue 29-Mar-16 02:15:16

That is sexual assault you are not working yourself up over nothing. I really hope you can find the strength to go to the police as someone that has that much trouble with boundaries really shouldnt be wandering around they are a danger but at the very least please don't ever let this man anywhere near you again he has absolutely zero respect for you. Im so sorry that this happened to you. If you are feeling bad and need to speak to someone about it please ring or the Samaritans. xxxxx

VertigoNun Tue 29-Mar-16 02:28:49

You did the right thing leaving this man. His behaviour was wrong. As you have a text confession you could go to the police if that's what you want. You will probably get more healing from talking therapy or a synthetic friend/family.

VertigoNun Tue 29-Mar-16 02:29:26


DottyButtons Tue 29-Mar-16 02:48:35

Thank you. I can't talk to friends right now, I've two night shifts to do and then it's my best friends wedding and I'm MoH so have to have my happy smiling face plastered on me.
I can't bring myself to go to bed, I don't want to get in that bed and under those sheets. I don't want to have to smell his aftershave near me. God I feel fucking pathetic.

houseeveryweekend Tue 29-Mar-16 03:06:31

You aren't pathetic! Its not your fault at all and anyone would feel awful after something like that happening to them. Just be kind to yourself. Change your sheets and move your bed. Do you have any scented candles you could burn to get rid of the aftershave smell? That's YOUR bedroom. Him being a creepy twat in it is a few minute event that will fade into the mists of time. He will never be in there again and you never have to see him again. If you are really feeling bad can you not ring in sick for work and go to a friends house to talk to them? Are you close with anyone you work with that you could talk to? I would try and speak to someone about it you would feel a lot better, either face to face or over the phone. Im sure none of your friends or family would mind being woken up about this I certainly wouldn't if it were my friend. xxxx

DottyButtons Tue 29-Mar-16 03:46:23

I've stripped the bed and put new sheets on.
I can't ring in sick to work, I'm a nurse and the only one on the night shift and it would cause chaos if I was off, we're understaffed as it is, plus I've not been there long so it wouldn't look good. I think going to work will be good for me.
Im so fucked off with him. How fucking dare he. After he text me saying what he had done I replied to him saying that sleeping people can't consent, to which he replied he wouldn't have done it if he knew it would create all this. Which to me says he knew exactly what he was doing.
When he left the bed room I looked at his phone to see if there was any photos of me on it but there weren't, but he had an app called Photo Vault which was passcode protected which I couldn't get into so there could well be fucking photos of me exposed on.

JimmyChoosChimichanga Tue 29-Mar-16 07:43:10

I think you need to call the police and get them to look at his phone and get this sorted.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Mar-16 08:01:58

You were sexually assaulted by your ex and I strongly urge you to make contact with your regional police authority's specialist sex crimes unit and report this incident as there is no telling what he might do with any photos (and I very much doubt that there's only one) he took of you and, most probably, those he took of you being assaulted by him.

Paste on that happy smile for work and call your regional police authority's main switchboard number and ask to be transferred to the specialist unit on your next day off.

differentnameforthis Tue 29-Mar-16 10:04:14

Getting into bed with him is NOT CONSENT

He sexually assaulted you.
He told you that he has problems with boundaries.

I doubt the picture was a selfie.
You are not pathetic. He is.


NettleTea Tue 29-Mar-16 10:29:06

you are also very lucky in that you have absolute text proof of what he did, with him confessing 100%.
I would say to call the police - even if you decide not to follow through, it might put the fear of god into him and protect the next girl who's boundaries he decides to cross. At least he will be flagged if he does anything like this again, and the woman believed.

HooseRice Tue 29-Mar-16 10:31:51

Show his texts fessing up to a police officer.


GlitteryFluff Tue 29-Mar-16 11:04:55

If you feel comfortable to, you should go to the police. You have an admission in a text by him. Also the police can see if there are any other pics on his phone.
You didn't consent to this.

AnotherEmma Tue 29-Mar-16 11:07:52

Sorry he did that to you OP. Yes it is sexual assault. I agree with the PPs who advised reporting it to the police. They can search for photos and remove anything they find.

SpidersFromMars Tue 29-Mar-16 11:51:27

He is an abusive arse - do NOT get back together with this man.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 Tue 29-Mar-16 13:05:08

I can't ring in sick to work, I'm a nurse and the only one on the night shift and it would cause chaos if I was off, we're understaffed as it is, plus I've not been there long so it wouldn't look good.

You do know you have good reason to take time out from work and deal with this? And if your employer is decent they will allow you to do that, and accept your reasons at face value?

CiaoVerona Tue 29-Mar-16 13:20:55

I think you need to report this fucker you'll be helping yourself and his next victim.

The fact he took photos suggests he planned too get off on this over and over he is beyond,vile.

I know you're in the early stages of shock I really really think you need to hold him accountable for his absolutely disgusting violation.

RattusRattus Tue 29-Mar-16 13:36:30

That Photo Vault thing is worrying. It even has a decoy password option for anyone who wants to see your photos which leads them to less incriminating photos. So even if you do demand to see what's in Photo Vault he can pretend to show you when in fact he hasn't. Horrible.

Report to the police and never ever go near him again. What a fucking prick that man is.

nocabbageinmyeye Tue 29-Mar-16 13:51:39

Firstly you are absolutely not pathetic at all. I really feel you need to go to the police, you may not want to just at the moment but at the very least he needs a visit from the police and he needs his phone checked. By not doing that you are trusting that he has no photos of you or that if he has them he can be trusted to just delete them and the sort of man that sexually assaults people is not someone you trust.

Be kind to yourself op, you did not consent, you are not pathetic

OTheHugeManatee Tue 29-Mar-16 13:54:51

Report him to the police.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP flowers

DottyButtons Tue 29-Mar-16 14:01:14

Thank you guys. Sorry for being late in coming back, but I've been sleeping pre shift.
He rang me to apologise. I don't know why I picked the phone up. He asked me to look after his cat while he moves back to his parents house.
I feel really conflicted. I've trusted him for years. And although he's breached that trust I don't not trust him. I've got all these different feelings and emotions churning round, one second I feel one thing the next second I feel something different.

RattusRattus Tue 29-Mar-16 14:07:28

Two options: either agree under the pretence of friendship and at somepoint nick his phone and take it to the police; or cut your losses, still take it to the police but also tell him where he can shove his cat.

AnotherEmma Tue 29-Mar-16 14:14:37

What?! He sexually assaulted you and is now asking you to look after his cat?!

What a cheeky fucking bastard.

Haven't you split up with him?

AnotherEmma Tue 29-Mar-16 14:16:54

Also just from a practical p.o.v, don't you live 50 miles away now?? If that's the case you can't easily look after his cat, can you?

DottyButtons Tue 29-Mar-16 14:29:05

Yeah. He doesn't have any valid reason to come to my town. He said he would leave the cat in her carrier at the front door. I said no.
We'd split up but was in contact, he wanted to try again but I was hesitant. Not a chance now.
I've called work and explained briefly to my manager, she was good about it. But I'm not going in tonight. Manager said straight away to take my time and encouraged me to report it. My heads all a bit skew whiff and I don't want to risk my patients care if I don't have my head in the game.

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