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What is this behaviour?

(17 Posts)
Crappyvalley Mon 28-Mar-16 13:13:33

Dh and I have had difficulties for a while now. He was unemployed for over 3 years and did very little to help around the house. He decided that he would only get a job that suited him rather than getting just anything to help cover the bills. He has now finally got a job and is now gloating that he will be earning more than me and saying that I should be earning more than I do hmm
He still does nothing around the house and I have raised the fact that as we are now both working we should work out the chores fairly. He either changes the subject or twists things around to start an argument about something totally different. I am realising that this is something that he has done for years now - never answering a question that he finds difficult. Is this gas lighting or is it something else?
I am hoping to divorce in the future but it has been very difficult with him stuck at home not working. He has said that if he moves out he will give me 'f* all' as he won't be able to afford it. Any advice would be good. I know I should not have put up with this for years but he always makes me seem unreasonable and that I'm the one with issues.

pocketsaviour Mon 28-Mar-16 15:18:30

Is this gas lighting or is it something else?

It's something else. Called "being a massive wankbadger".

I suggest you get yourself a solicitor's appointment as soon as, and start getting your ducks in a row. As to his comment about giving you fuck all, LOL. No man is above the law. Although of course there's nothing to stop him giving up work in order to avoid paying maintenance for his children. But don't let that stop you, as any man prepared to see their children suffer for the sake of spite is NOT the kind of cunt you want to stay married to.

littleleftie Mon 28-Mar-16 16:24:49

Yes, agree with pocket he is a cunt.

Do you have DC with him? How many, how old?

If you divorce he will have to pay a minimum of 15% of his net pay for one child, 20% if two or more.

Also agree re seeing a solicitor. Many will give you 30 mins free advice so you would be better armed with an idea of what the repercussions would be. He wants you to think you are trapped and that he holds all the cards. In fact, you would probably survive perfectly well with tax credits etc without him.

Crappyvalley Mon 28-Mar-16 16:38:55

I have 1dc, a teenager who is still at school but will go on to college or uni. I will try to find a solicitor locally who will offer a free half hour. I don't know how I could afford a solicitor though. His family have a solicitor that he would use and I don't doubt that he would try to pay as little as possible to me and take as much as he can sad
I have been paying all the bills for years so wouldn't want to be worse off than I am already. Don't think I could buy out his share of the house though.

Bree85 Mon 28-Mar-16 16:40:42

What a cow! He is not a man. Just a lazy 8 years old boy living in a gown up body.

amarmai Tue 29-Mar-16 00:08:02

He's a leech. Get a HS lawyer asap.

springydaffs Tue 29-Mar-16 00:21:49

So he's in paid employment?

HA HA HA it makes no difference what lawyers he has, he's going to have to pay you out of his salary.: the law is the law and he's going to have to pay what the law says he should pay. Result!

btw he believes he, as a man, is superior to you, as a woman. That's the bottom line. Have you done the Freedom Programme? Do! Google it and click 'find a course' to find a course near you. Wonderful course, it'll get your head straight in record time.

yy he'll muck about but try to keep calm and keep your eye on the end result: getting rid of this waste of space.

Crappyvalley Tue 29-Mar-16 05:35:25

I will look into the Freedom Programme,thanks.
Had another row last night. He again refused to answer why he has not,and will not, pull his weight around the house. He obviously prefers to potter about doing things for himself rather than helping me out. On the rare occasion he has done some tidying he has commented that I've not 'thanked' him for it! Can't believe I've put up with this for so long. He says that it's me who has 'issues' and am 'not right in the head'.
He has had to set up a limited company to pay his wages through as apparently that is how it's done at the company he will be working for. The amount he had offered to give me weekly towards bills has now had to go down due to his business expenses being more than expected hmm

sofato5miles Tue 29-Mar-16 05:42:35

That's not good news. That means that he may be paying himself in shares and dividends, so not a wage as such.

I'd just get rid. He is using you outrageously.

WhattaMunter Tue 29-Mar-16 06:01:16

Just nod your head and start quietly planning. Gather evidence as much as you possibly can, take copies of any pay agreements/contracts, and see a solicitor pronto. Get the free session .

He sounds utterly disrespectful of you. I'm sorry that you are having to put up with this excuse of a man.

Get rid.

BettyBi0 Tue 29-Mar-16 06:11:40

He sounds like an utter sh*t and his comments to you clearly show that he has lost any respect for you or hope in you having a good relationship.

I'd be a bit wary of the limited company thing. Sounds like a way to hide money and avoid tax. Also makes things more complicated for assessing maintenance. Ugh what a rotter!

You need some proper legal advice and evidence so try to keep your cool while you get all this together.

arowhena Tue 29-Mar-16 08:03:12

Has this charming young man fallen for a multi level marketing scam? If so then take heed of MLM watch thread. Good luck OP thanks

FannyFifer Tue 29-Mar-16 08:26:23

What a dick, he's joined juice plus or forever living or some such shite though eh.

redexpat Tue 29-Mar-16 18:04:57

As others have said get your ducks in a row. I would prepare for life on the basis that he won't pay you anything, so that you are not reliant on him. Any money you do get will be a bonus. I know the law says they have to pay but MN board s are full of women who get nothing from their exes. That doesn't mean you give up. You still go for everything you are entitled to. Does that still include half his pension?

amarmai Tue 29-Mar-16 18:33:12

i think 'gaslighting' is the term used when a male tells a female she is not right in the head. In Victorian times they were able to lock us up in mental hospitals when they made that accusation. Look up the term and see if he is doing any other shit that comes under that heading. You'll get a peephole into his thinking and b better able to defend yourself.

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 Tue 29-Mar-16 19:23:16

He was, is and always will be a bachelor. Leave that to one side for the moment.

His company is a device set up by his 'employer' to engage personal services without that end 'employer' being on the hook for holiday pay, sick pay, employers' NIC etc. It is a 'sham' company as far as HMRC are concerned (google IR35 or 'personal service company') because the end 'employer' still provides the premises, customers, insurance, capital, equipment etc. In other words it is recognised that the contractor (ie DCH*) is still really an employee in the commercial sense with all costs covered and they allow only 5% of his gross payments as a legitimate deduction. What is good for the goose is good for the gander (as they say) so if push comes to shove you can use that commercial principal back in his face or that of his representative at a financial settlement.

I know something of these things so please PM me if it would be helpful.

DCH n. exclam. acronym Darling Cunt Husband.

BonitaFangita Tue 29-Mar-16 19:36:00

give you fuck all he's been giving you fuck all anyway. He sounds like a waste of space, you can do so much better.
<sorry to sound harsh, I'm in a narky mood and men like this make me angry>

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