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Friendship argument following miscarriage

(7 Posts)
Love2014 Mon 28-Mar-16 13:12:44


I had a friend that I have known since play school.. When we both lived in the same village we were very close. But now we have our own lives we regularly fall out and don't talk for long periods and then get back together and friends again for short periods. I feel like I'm very forgiving of a lot, sometimes she will arrange things and cancel at short notice or if I arrange to see her, I will be there but she doesn't get in touch till I'm on my way home or won't get in touch to confirm till the actual day or day before and I'm expected to drop everything to see her. In order to avoid falling out with her again, most of last year that's how it went. Unfortunately though at the beginning of November I arranged a birthday night for her birthday and paid for it as a present and thought it would bring us closer together. However shortly after I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy to be pregnant, I really was but after previous miscarriages I didn't want to tell anyone. Anyway the night before her birthday I started to have pains and bleeding we went to he hospital that night but they sent me him I panicked and got very down, my partner was very supportive, but the hospital said sometimes these things happen and as the bleeding wasn't heavy at that stage not to worry and carry on as normal. I though had a feeling it was bad news and got very down the next day, my friend tried to get in touch with me but I didn't feel like talking to anyone. She got upset that I wasn't responding and deleted me off her social media accounts and told me she didn't want to see me again. I was pretty heart broken that my friend had done that but I couldn't handle her upset along with my own. A couple of days later we had a scan and found out my worst fears I was miscarrying and the baby had stopped developing about 5 days earlier. It was a very traumatic experience. I didn't speak to my friend for weeks, but one day I just decided to message her and tell her what had happened and have a go at her basically for reacting like that. In my eyes there had been numerous occasions where i put up with her dropping me at short notice and all sorts but j had always been there for her. The one time I needed her she couldn't be arsed to even message me to see how I was and check j was okay. I wish we could sort things out but I feel like there is too much that has gone wrong to out it right too much has been said.. Can anyone give me any advice about how to deal with a situation like this ?

Yoksha Mon 28-Mar-16 14:20:32

I wouldn't bother with her actually. It all reads a bit one sided IMHO. She doesn't deserve to have you as a friend. Block and delete from every conceivable device and social media site. Nurture friendships worthy of you. Sorry about your unhappy experiences. flowers

honeyroar Mon 28-Mar-16 15:06:56

You sound as bad as each other really, it's not a friendship at all. Let it go. Why keep picking it up and getting hurt again?

With hindsight it would have been better to have let your OH tell her you weren't feeling well and were worried about the baby rather than just blocking her on a night you were meant to be going out for her birthday. All she knew was she was dropped and blocked - so she was probably upset and angry herself when she blocked you. Perhaps she wouldn't have been and would have been a better friend if she'd known? (Not meaning to disrespect you, you've been through an awful time, you poor soul).

pocketsaviour Mon 28-Mar-16 15:11:24

I'm sorry for your loss.

However I do think it sounds like you've been unfair on this occasion as if I'm reading rightly you didn't tell your friend you were miscarrying or even that you were ill, you just ignored her calls/texts, so she assumed you had flaked on her - on her birthday - and got very upset.

You can't say The one time I needed her she couldn't be arsed to even message me to see how I was and check j was okay when it sounds like she was trying to contact you, but you ignored her confused

Love2014 Mon 28-Mar-16 19:22:31

yeah i agree.

well it was a difficult time but yeah i agree it wasn't the best way to handle it. I wasn't coping. Although I arranged this night for her, I didn't hear anything from her in the lead up to it, once again as per usual. To be honest I didn't think she was that bothered like any other night out, I always had to chase after her. it wasn't her birthday as such, we were just going to meet up after the event. I went out for her actual birthday one month earlier. I do think we should leave it your right, its not going to work out, our relationship is way too strained and probably not much trust there. I didn't feel I could open up to her about what was happening and the 2nd miscarriage has been the harder for me to come to terms with. Thanks anyway for your honest advice

TwoKettles Mon 28-Mar-16 20:33:18

This will hurt right now - then you'll feel angry - but the world is full of mates you haven't met yet. She sounds like a user - let her go !

Love2014 Mon 28-Mar-16 21:22:21

Yeah that's a good way to think about things... thanks 😘 Two kettles for the advice

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