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How much away time is too much?

(11 Posts)
Lplatesinuse Sun 27-Mar-16 21:06:44

DH is away this weekend on a stag do. He usually goes one one once a year to a European country somewhere. He has a hobby which requires atleast 2 weekends away per year and around 15 full Saturdays or Sundays away per year. On top of this he likes to watch a sporting event twice a year which takes him away for the entire weekend.
lastly, DH teaches Geography and takes students on 2 field trips per year, one 5 days, one 4.
On top of this DH plays a range of sports which will take away the odd day at the weekend.. maybe 6 per year and an evening every week. On top of this he has a few friends birthday nights out dotted throughout the year, a few snooker nights and maybe 3 Christmas celebrations.

I don't mind DH having his own time away I think it's healthy but find that it's me organising and trying to create date nights for us, he very rarely plans or considers anything for us to do as a couple unless another couple asks us. I wouldn't mind so much if he didn't full his life with many other hobbies and fun but it leaves little time and money for us to enjoy being a couple.
we have 2 DCS and get plenty of family time and family days out but I miss us. How much time away is too much? Does it sound like he's having too much?
DH once told me to plan as much free time for my own friends and hobbies as he does and when I pointed out the tiny fraction of time it would leave for us to do anything together at all he refused to acknowledge it. I do get and am allowed 'me time' too but I'm feeling annoyed that DH'S 'me time' stacks up massively compared to my time or couple time.
If he just made more effort with us, I don't think I'd mind so much...

Joysmum Sun 27-Mar-16 21:11:50

I work on the basis of thirds. 1/3 each as individual time and 1/3 us time. Of course that may change but it's an average.

Creativethinkingaloud Sun 27-Mar-16 21:55:14

I have asked myself this same question over and over again for years.

When we had a new baby he would go out 2/3 times a week and say I could do the same but I felt we would have no time/money left if I did that as well and wanted to stay with baby.

Now we have older kids he still does extra stuff and so on so I have started to do the same as its the only way I don't feel hard done by it, but now we don't really see each other. Which is fine really hmm.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Mar-16 21:58:21

If he just made more effort with us, I don't think I'd mind so much

Apart from the field trips which are no doubt part of his work, it appears that he prioritises his hobbies and social life over the time he spends with his family and he's effectively living the life of a single man.

When he is at home does he pull his weight with childcare and household chores, or are they unevenly distributed too?

HeddaGarbled Sun 27-Mar-16 22:31:29

Yes, it sounds like he is doing too much separately from you and the family to me.

Lplatesinuse Mon 28-Mar-16 06:28:57

DH is great with the childcare and most definitely pulls his weight with DCS when he's here. Nappies, dressing them, baths, bedtime: he does it all without any requests from me.
Household chores: massively unequal. It's taken years for me to get him to prioritise doing his share. If he has a busy weekend, he just leaves his share not done. It's taken years for me to get him to see that leisure time does not replace jobs or chores that need doing in the house! He's a lot better now, but household chores, family organising, planning thinge are still largely left to me.

kittybiscuits Mon 28-Mar-16 08:05:52

He sounds unbelievably self-centred. I would also leave his share not done. His washing not done. Meals not cooked. And I would be letting him know that he cannot continue to be a (very) part-time member of the family.

TheNaze73 Tue 29-Mar-16 14:38:22

Was this discussed before you were married? If it's changed since then, with the children etc, then you should talk. JoysMum 1/3 ratio, is what we try to work to as well. He may not think he's doing anything wrong in his eyes, despite it being obvious to a lot of outsiders. Time apart is so important in a relationship however, that 1/3 of playing together & staying together is equally important

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Mar-16 15:30:00

How many weekends, whole days, and weekday evenings per annum do you spend away from home with friends and pursuing your hobbies/interests, Lplates?

Lplatesinuse Tue 29-Mar-16 21:49:25

Probably not enough. I tend to have a month where I do nothing and then a month where I'll have s couple of evenings and 3 weekend days where I'll do my own thing.
I always seem to feel guilty though and worry that DH is getting too used to us having separate social lives whilet being void of social time together.

Lplatesinuse Tue 29-Mar-16 21:50:06

DH and I are lucky if we have a date night/day once a month... very lucky@

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