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Why can't anyone see what a Twat he is?

(45 Posts)
seasideview Sun 27-Mar-16 14:49:24

I feel a bit miffed! It is about mutual friends that ExH and I share.

I was married to ExH for 17 years. 4 years before I left him, I found out that he had been messing around with other women for the entirety of our relationship. One of his male friends told me, because he was angry that my ExH had been trying to kiss his wife at a party.

I stayed for those 4 years, because I really didn't want to break up my family (kids were then 7 and 5). So, I tried to make it work, but he carried on (it got worse, not better), and eventually I left. Before I left, he physically assaulted me, and once I was in my new house, he got in one night and did so again. I didn't tell anyone about this, except for my now DH. I didn't want him to be arrested, it would have impacted the kids. If I had told my Dad, he would have gone ballistic. I wasn't seriously hurt, just shaken up.

He bought me out of the marital home, but that was in 2008 when property prices were at an all time low, so it was based upon a valuation that was about £70k less than what it's worth now. So I have lost out financially, somewhat.

Turns out that he had tried it on with every single female friend of mine. This was when we were in our home town and seeing friends regularly. As far as I know, none of them responded, but none of them told me about it either.

When I left, none of these friends supported me. I didn't get one text or call. I let that slide though and remained friends. Been friends at this point for 18 years and we are Godparents to each others children, so long term relationships. They were long distance relationships, given that we had by this time moved up North for work. So basically, texts/e-mails/FB/annual meet ups.

After I left ExH, I was very lucky to meet my now DH, after only a short while of OLD. 4 years later we married. We have now been together for 8 years and it's a lovely marriage. My friends all came to our stag/hen and the wedding. They all like DH. The kids like him too (they are much older now, 19 and 17)

ExH had a long term GF (4 yrs), but he cheated on her (surprise, surprise), and she has now left him. He moved her in to his home, despite knowing she had some serious anger issues, and he even left the kids in her care sometimes. Just before she left, when emotions were running high, she lost it and she attacked our DD (age 16 at the time). She went to Court for that just last Thursday, I have no idea what happened as the kids were cited but later told they didn't have to attend. I assume that means she changed her plea to guilty and got a fine. Anyway, she's now out of the picture.

So, here is my problem. My closest friends (it's 2 couples btw from home town), all seem to favour ExH over myself. Even though they all know what he did. They know he cheated a lot. The guys know he tried it on with their wives. They know his GF attacked DD. They don't know he assaulted me though. They don't know that he is always late with child support, meaning I sometimes go overdrawn. He lost his driving licence for a lengthy time, for Drink Driving, meaning that for about 2 years I was the only person who could ferry the kids to anything at all (clubs/school/events/friends houses etc). I doubt they know this.

I sent friends a message about 2 months ago, listing all the dates I was free for them to visit me this year, I got no reply. Then, last night, DD pipes up that she'll need to be at Dad's next weekend as these friends are all visiting. WTF?

I live only 30 mins away from ExH, and this is the first I've heard that they are making the 6 hour journey up here. So, they are defo not planning to see me, even for a quick coffee. I know we haven't broken friends over anything. They still like FB pics and stuff. They still send birthday cards.

I have never bad mouthed ExH to the kids and I have always allowed whatever access he wanted, which for the most part was 5 nights with me and 2 with him. They think the sun shines out of his arse, and I suppose I wouldn't want that to be any different, but it's so hard having to smile sweetly when they regale me with tales of what they've been up to with their wonderful Dad. I feel like screaming to them all “He's a cheat, a drunk driver, a liar, he doesn't pay me child support on time and he hits women!” But of course, I never do.

Sorry, I don't know what I am asking. But that's helped actually, just writing it down. I suppose the question is, do I just write these friends off now? I think I have to, don't I?

I should say that I don't feel angry often. Thank goodness, I have a lovely DH and a very happy life now. I am just a bit confused at the news of this visit. I probably sound stupid.

wtffgs Sun 27-Mar-16 14:56:19

I'm so pleased you have made a new life for yourself and brew for your poor DD.

Some people are blinkered and wouldn't recognise twattery even if it was on a motorway sign.

I think your 'friends' have made a choice to mentally stick their fingers in their ears. More fool them.

There are nicer people out there, as you have already found thanks

whimsical1975 Sun 27-Mar-16 15:20:20

The older we get the more selective I feel we should be with who we spend our time with. Friends should make you feel good about yourself... you should feel happy, safe, at ease and comfortable to be around them.

If you are no longer feeling these things then let them get on with it and focus on people who make you smile.

RiceCrispieTreats Sun 27-Mar-16 15:53:28

People do things for their own reasons. What seems obvious to you will not be something that they want to see, because of their own particular mix of character, neurosis, and experience.

Let it go. If they are not people who have your back, then stop expecting them to rally to your side. Focus on those people who DO love and accept you the way you want them to.

All the best.

ConfusedNoMore Sun 27-Mar-16 15:59:35

I'd let them go, as hard as it is. My friends have mostly been amazing through my split and disgusted at ex husband's behaviour. One couple haven't bothered though and I thought I was close to her especially. I am sad about it but I need strong friends who can be there through this crap. Not those that make me feel unsure and add to upset.

I am also wrestling with what you are supposed to tell or not tell children when their fathers are so appalling. flowers

tallwivglasses Sun 27-Mar-16 16:43:34

Is he 'entertaining'? 'A good laugh'? 'Fun to be around'?

It astounds me how much fuckwittery and nastiness people will turn a blind eye to as long as a person's funny. I may have got it wrong - but either way I think you should cut out these people and concentrate on people who make you feel good.

Scootering Sun 27-Mar-16 16:49:42

You sounds like me!

It hurts a lot but my exh is very charming and can talk the talk. He's a schmoozer. He does it professionally.

He made me out to be a heartless mother when I left him. He pretty much took the house and all my friends. Even though he has also publically cheated during our marriage.

You have to not let it hurt you - easier said than done though. flowers

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 27-Mar-16 16:50:43

17 and 19 year old children (young adults, really) are quite old enough to be told the real, unvarnished truth about what a complete arsehole he'd been to you throughout your marriage.

The friends things is a lot to stomach. Sometime the real problem is that although you believe yourself to be a decent person of true integrity you often assume your friends are too because you've never had to put it to the test. Unfortunately this is often not the case at all. But you're better off knowing who your true friends are, the ones who really do have your back, rather than continuing with the delusion. Been there and it's hard to face the facts, but it's truly better to have a good clear-out of the disloyal and unsupportive, and cherish the right people.

Thisisnotausername Sun 27-Mar-16 16:54:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zaurak Sun 27-Mar-16 17:23:12

17 and 19 is old enough to know the truth

iminshock Sun 27-Mar-16 17:41:53

Sounds like they just like him and are prepared to overlook his ( many) failings.
I have friends who have done some outstandingly twattish things but I still love them.

MakeItRain Sun 27-Mar-16 17:48:31

It can be shocking what some people overlook. He's probably an expert at covering his failings. I think you need to move on, hurtful though it is. Invest your energies in your family and good friends. As for your children knowing the truth, perhaps if they question you, you could let them know some of what happened now they are older. flowers

stitch10yearson Sun 27-Mar-16 17:54:44

Is he well off? Does he pay for others at restaurants? Do people bask in reflected glory around him?
People can be quite shallow. I know someone who is friends with her best friends ex just because he is now an ambassador to someplace and regularly have him and his new wife over.

Heatherjayne1972 Sun 27-Mar-16 18:02:55

Just wondering if I wrote this post !!
Op your story is very much like my own
Sad as it is to face these people are not friends and like others have said above its best to let them go
You do have my sympathy because it hurts and it's certainly a puzzler why people can't see what a prize idiot he is - guess people don't see what they don't want to

Imbroglio Sun 27-Mar-16 18:13:49

Wait until after the weekend then if none of them contact/hook up with you while they are around just de-friend them from FB as its just hurting you.

I'd be tempted to message them first saying that you heard they were around and are sad to have missed them, but that it now feels like your friendship has run is course but then I have the rage on right now and am not thinking straight.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 27-Mar-16 19:12:55

Many people are reluctant to involve themselves in another person's marriage and being friends with both parties makes it doubly difficult to broach the subject of a spouse's infidelity.

As it is, having discovered the extent of your ex's extramarital activities you stayed with him for a further 4 years which no doubt served to reinforce the views of those who were reluctant to potentially disrupt or end your marriage by informing you that he made a career out of was playing away.

That said, I imagine that trying it on with ow was seen as being part of your ex's personality and this trait was overlooked because he was amiable company. I suspect no-one told you because they either thought you were aware of and condoned his behaviour, or because they didn't want to be the bearer of bad news in case you shot the messenger.

As to others not being able to see that he's a twat, why would they when you've gone to considerable lengths to cover up for him? By your own admission you haven't been honest about his drink driving ban, assaults on you, late maintenance payments etc either with your dc or your family members and you can't expect others to somehow 'divine' these incidents and condemn him accordingly.

If you'd been proactive about spreading the news at the time they occurred the outcome may have been very different but, as it is, your mutual friends may feel he's hard done by because he had the misfortune to become involved with a woman who has "serious anger issues".

Imo you appear to be remarkably passive and more especially with regard to this incident as I very much doubt that many other dms would be uninterested in, or wouldn't bother to find out, what took place should anyone who had attacked their dc be called to account in court.

I suggest you organise a meet up with one of these mutual friends and use the occasion to unburden yourself without setting any proviso as to confidentiality. While this may not cause an abrupt shift in their attitude to your ex, it may serve to produce some subtle alteration in the way they view him and at the very least you will be relieved of the 'secrets' you've been harbouring for reasons that are entirely beyond me.

HandyWoman Sun 27-Mar-16 19:24:36

I've been there. I cut contact recently with my ex best friend of 25yrs, over her hooning around with my ex and his new gf.

Sometimes it takes a bloody long time to realise that the friendship you've cherished doesn't in fact run that deep. People have different expectations and definitions of friendship. Based on their own selfish, sometimes shallow concerns.

After the weekend just take a deep breath and unfriend them from fb. You'll be surprised how OK you feel. These people belong to your past and you have a lovely new life now so they're irrelevant.

flowers

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Mar-16 19:37:13

You don't need these disloyal people in your future flowers

Choceclair123 Sun 27-Mar-16 22:20:30

Id be wondering what lies he's told these people if I were you.

SecretsAndStuff21 Sun 27-Mar-16 22:29:35

I'd put my efforts into meeting new people. Theses ex friends have probably moved on ( sorry to say that). You can't make them listen to what happened years ago, it is history.
I'm so glad you have found a lovely new man.

YouAreMyRain Sun 27-Mar-16 22:42:41

They've picked sides and have chosen him.

Sad but you have no idea what he's told them about you.

Time to spring clean them out of your life thanks

newname99 Sun 27-Mar-16 23:23:49

Knowing that they prefer your ex is painful but it's time to move away from them.It's yet another link severed with your ex which is healthy.It might feel 'unfair' but in the long term it will be better for you.

honeyroar Sun 27-Mar-16 23:39:29

Sometimes splits really show you who your real friends are and who aren't. You have to decide whether it bothers you that they're still friends with him, and if it does you need to step away. They didn't support you throughout the hard times when you split, they choose him first nowadays, they are not close/good friends. It's still hurting you, so let them slide, concentrate on people that do support you and act like they like you. I have spent too long in my life chasing people that weren't really my friend, I try not to do that nowadays.

As for the children, what would it achieve telling them? He's someone they love and need a relationship with (unless he hurts them), so telling them would only make them upset or hurt. We have this with my stepson's mum, who cheated on my husband and has caused no end of hassle over the years, but we bite our tongues rather than grumbling to my stepson. On the rare occasions we have grumbled about her in front of him I can see his unease and I feel bad for making him feel that way. He loves his mum and his dad, for all their faults. At the age of your children you could ask him to pay his maintenance straight to them, then they can see what he's like for late payments and nag him themselves?

honeyroar Sun 27-Mar-16 23:41:17

Ps, I hope that above post doesn't sound overly negative, you sound like you've got a good life, a happy second marriage, nice children and other friends around you. Try and focus on that rather than letting the not so perfect bits of your life/people spoil your day..

amarmai Mon 28-Mar-16 00:08:36

I think it wd help if you told the truth about him to selected people and your dcc at some point? As more info will inevitably come out as time goes by, what you have said will fit into the picture that will emerge. So even if it does not seem immediately to help, i think it will eventually.Odd that men wd visit a man who tries to seduce their wives.

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