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What should I do and how do I even go about doing it??

(23 Posts)
Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 12:18:29

Dp and I have been together 4 years. I wasn't interested to start with but he persevered and we ended up together, can't quite remember when things changed but I did end up liking him. When he moved in we rowed a lot but it seemed to settle again. Then I discovered he was messaging his ex, just on the edge of top flirty and being ok. Questioned him on it but didn't say I'd seen the messages and he claimed they were harmless chat. This happened again last summer. We bought a house together in November and since then everything has been truly awful. He let's me deal with everything, washing, cleaning, food shopping, you name it whilst working full time. If there is no food in the fridge I get asked what there is to eat like I'm his mum. He tries to change me, I'm pretty firm in my views on a number of things and he just expects me to agree with him and not put my opinion forward and if I do then I'm being argumentative. He also has a major issue with the fact I wouldn't take his surname on marriage. When he's nice he's lovely but I feel like the times when that happens are becoming rarer and he's almost treating me like staff.

When we bought the house i put the deposit forward, which was around 50%, then I've paid for the refurbishment work so far out of the rest of the money I have. He has paid the whole mortgage since we moved in (so around 6k).

What do I do, do I try to get things back to when they were ok? If not then how do I get out of this situation. I'd really rather not lose the house.

He has NO idea I'm so unhappy

Please be gentle with me

pocketsaviour Sun 27-Mar-16 12:24:32

You now know he's a lazy tosspot who thinks women should be as they were in the 1950s, i.e. he wants another mum. There's no way forward for this relationship unless you're prepared to put your apron on and start parenting him, oh not forgetting you need to work full time too.

Did you get a deed of trust to protect your deposit when you bought the house?

Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 12:29:38

Yes we did a deed of trust and I plan to do another one to cover the money I've invested in the house since we moved in.

He can be kind and thoughtful but those occasions seem to be becoming less frequent.

Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 12:52:42

But that wouldn't necessarily enable me to keep the house would it?!

PuellaEstCornelia Sun 27-Mar-16 13:00:31

Have you actually spoken about it? Sat down and made it crystal clear what you expect? When I moved in with my DH, he just kind of assumed how things would go. I had to make it really clear how it was going to work. There was no malice in his not doing stuff. He genuinely hadn't thought about it and genuinely doesn't seem to notice the mess and clutter that drives me mad.
I found setting up a Rota worked so he couldn't say he didn't know what he was supposed to be doing. If he let it slip I stopped.. Stop washing his clothes. Didn't cook or shop for him. I explained I was showing him the same consideration he was showing me.. But tell him what you are doing. It may just be my DH but he's not good at noticing on his own!
Of course, if he's just being a dick it's a different story!

Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 13:22:31

I've tried to say something before, and said I feel unappreciated and he said well dont do it then, don't do it just to use it against me. But if there is food in the fridge he will eat it anyway and I cant ever create enough washing on my own so I do that too.

BlueFolly Sun 27-Mar-16 13:51:13

You're allowed to put the washing machine on without a full load in it.

BlueFolly Sun 27-Mar-16 13:51:42

To be honest it doesn't sound like you've ever been that fussed on him.

Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 14:06:04

I think I tried to be fussed about him, maybe at some point I was.

At the moment all the crap seems to be massively outweighing the good stuff.

Cabrinha Sun 27-Mar-16 14:06:44

Are you married or not?
You say DP but say you wouldn't take his name...
Why is he paying all the mortgage?

You don't like him, he's cheating and being nasty to you in other ways too - you need to end this and frankly fuck it if you can keep the house.

If you had a 50% deposit and can pay for refurbishments, you can go buy a house you can afford, surely?

As for not having enough washing - single people cope! They don't have washing machine parties with their single neighbours. You need to toughen up!

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sun 27-Mar-16 14:06:46

You've settled! You were not interested to begin with and just went with the flow. Time to leave and go after what you really want and who you really deserve. Stop settling!

Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 15:00:39

cabrinha no we aren't married, it was a conversation about if we were to get married. The deal was I put in my money, he pays the mortgage. Yes I do need to toughen up. I am not even slightly tough.

beyonce I think you're right but I don't know how to ACTUALLY do it

hurtandconfued2016 Sun 27-Mar-16 16:26:03

With the house I am in the same situation my ex paid the mortgage I paid everything else.
When I spoke to my lawyer she advised if I wanted to keep the house I would need to get it valued and but him out. Also trying to get him off the mortgage is going to be hard as mortgage companies don't like only having one person on the mortgage when they had 2 so that's the bit I'm finding difficult.

Veryconfusedandunhappy Sun 27-Mar-16 16:51:45

I really don't want to have to buy him out at a significantly higher cost to what he's put in.

I could decrease the mortgage amount by around 40k I think, hopefully that would be ok with the bank

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 27-Mar-16 17:03:52

If you bought together and you want shot of him, it's really, REALLY not fair of you to think you can just reimiburse him for the six grand he's paid towards the mortgage, and keep the increase in equity all to yourself.

What did the Deed of Trust have to say on that subject?

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him that you're bored of being treated like his Mum or some form of household staff. That it's over and you need to split up.

You never know, he might fuck off of his own volition once he knows the game is up.

Cabrinha Sun 27-Mar-16 22:58:18

They only bought the house in November!
Unless it's in a seriously hot hotspot, I think it's perfect fair to pay him back just the £6K of mortgage payments!

NotnowNigel Mon 28-Mar-16 00:57:03


Even if he gets better temporarily he does not intrinsically respect you.

Texting ex tells you that all on its own without the other stuff, which is enough on its own too to bring the relationship to an end.

Veryconfusedandunhappy Mon 28-Mar-16 08:36:48

I think I would probably offer him a little more, to make things easier for him. Maybe like 10k or something.

I worry about getting the mortgage on my own though. Would they take it into account if I said I would get a lodger?

Cabrinha Mon 28-Mar-16 09:06:47

How come you've got enough money to throw down 50% of a house and pay refurbishments and just give away an extra £4K - yet potentially can't take on a mortgage?
Sounds like you were given money but don't work / or don't earn much?
I don't think mortgage calculations would count a lodger income as you wouldn't have that at time of calculation - why haven't you asked a mortgage broker to run through what you could get?
You must have at least a 2 bed if you're thinking of that - so if there is a reason you can't earn enough, why not sell and buy a smaller place, with your hefty deposit?

honeyroar Mon 28-Mar-16 13:02:59

I think you'd need to make an appointment with a solicitor regarding the house and how it would work. It ought to be that you get your deposit back and then the rest is split 50/50 unless you can prove that you've paid more than his £6k in refurbishments.. It doesn't work that you just give him his mortgage payments back (or a few £k more), it's his house too, if it's gone up in value he shares equity too. Then you need to see a mortgage advisor about how much you can increase your mortgage on just your salary alone. Once you've got all that information you can move forward properly...

littleleftie Mon 28-Mar-16 13:16:28

Oh God just get it over with! Offer him £10k to fuck off - lazy wankbadger!

If he won't go you will have to get legal advice sad

Better luck next time flowers

And stop doing shit for him he could do himself unless it's reciprocal!

Veryconfusedandunhappy Mon 28-Mar-16 17:49:48

He's actually been trying really hard the last few days, I know it's just because he's off work so has relaxed and so isn't taking everything out on me.

I have put way more into the renovations than what he has put into the mortgage, we've had an extension done which has been around 40k

Cabrinha Mon 28-Mar-16 22:45:02

How the fuck are you putting 50% deposit down (which is a lot wherever in the country you are) still having £40K lying around to spend on an extension and not sure you can take on a mortgage?! confused
FGS get to a solicitor and get this sorted now!

You have a DOT for the initial deposit, but you said you don't have one for the money you put in after. So if you own the house 50/50 after your deposit, and your £40K extension has delivered a £40K increase in value, you have just potentially pissed away twenty thousand pounds, to a man who is a lazy dick, who you don't even like, who is messaging other women 😳

You can't just go to a solicitor and get a new DOT for the extension money after you've spent it. What if your boyfriend senses what's up and refuses?

I expect that your solicitor (and I'm not legally trained) has a strong case to argue in court if necessary that the intention of both parties was that the extension money was also to be treated like the deposit in the DOT - because the has all happened in the same 6 months. Piss about staying with this man for 5 years and you'll have a far harder time arguing that I reckon. You need legal advice.

Stop spending money on the bloody house! Never sink your money into a joint project with a man you're not sure of. Who messages other bloody women! I'm sorry to shout at you through the screen, but I'm worried for you, from the financial decisions you're making. If he's paid 6K of mortgage in 6 months, that's a pretty big mortgage amount to have on top of a 50% deposit!

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