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If I were good enough ....?!

(13 Posts)
Bambino1234 Sun 27-Mar-16 09:59:44

Yesterday it happened.
For the first time in just over a year my five year old refused to go with her father.
She was in hysterics and clinging to me and he looked like he had been kicked in the nuts by an elephant.
Me I was just bemused.

I want them all to be happy.
I facilitate and accommodate their relationship. She and my son I thought were unfazed by the split, unaware he left for someone else and the bitterness hid from them.

I am personable to their father, in fact I am more than that. We get on well, we laugh and I can allow him in my home and have a more comfortable and relaxed drop off and pick up time.

I think the problem is that he only sees them once a fortnight for 24 hours - his choice I would allow for me but he never offers and I have just accepted this.
He doesn't get in contact with them between visits and does seem to just skip back to his new life once visiting is over.

She notices more and more daddy isn't a big part of her life, I try and comfort her and tell her all the right things, that she is lucky that she gets to have "daddy day" and all the fun they have. I know that she would like to see him more, I have mentioned it but he seems as though he buries his head in the sand.

I think j have posted before about how awful he treated us as a family when he decided he no longer loved me - he was more interested in the OW than providing the children with an easy transition into new life.
He seems to have come around since November time and was constantly wanting me to join in on these "daddy days" - lunches out and booking tables at restaurants so we could all have time together.
I put a stop to that a few weeks ago as I felt it was confusing me so must have been confusing the children.
I didn't understand why the sudden interest or emails asking how I was and work.

I guess I am just ranting because I don't want to see my daughter so upset when she should be excited to see her father, I don't want her father so upset as he watched his daughter in that state and I don't want to feel like it's my fault.

I feel like if I were good enough he wouldn't of left.
If I were good enough my child wouldn't feel like she did yesterday.
If I were good enough he wouldn't have found it so easy to leave and not look back.

Joysmum Sun 27-Mar-16 10:09:04

If he were good enough he wouldn't have left.

If he were good enough his child would it feel like she did yesterday.

If he were good enough, he would have found it impossible not to look back and parent your daughter now.

Joysmum Sun 27-Mar-16 10:09:56

Bollocks, that went wrongblush

*His child wouldn't feel like she did yesterday.

Bambino1234 Sun 27-Mar-16 10:20:33

Thank you !
I always feel like I'm trying to do things by the book and remain adult but it doesn't seem to get me any further than those who hate their exes etc.

- I take his feelings into account.
- I probably make too many excuses for his behaviour.
- I work full time with no help from other people or him.
- I don't ask anything of him - I don't ask for more money or moan.
- I just get on.
- I am polite. I am friendly without asking him anything about his personal life.
- I want him to be a good dad.
- I am able to spend time with all of them together without awkwardness or nastiness - well I was until he became flirty etc and overly invested in my new found happiness and life.
- I had accepted that this is life.

winkywinkola Sun 27-Mar-16 10:22:14

All of this is entirely HIS failing. Nothing at all to do with you.

In fact, I'm not sure the matey and very accommodating approach is the best way for you or your dcs.

Gosh. He ran away from his family. He can only be bothered to see his dcs 20 odd times a year and you're still pally with him?

Are you hoping for a reunion? You're far far too good for this bloke.

Personally I would suggest he has them every week for 24 hours to improve their relationship.

I would also not allow him in the house especially for the first couple of years to make boundaries very sharp and clear.

winkywinkola Sun 27-Mar-16 10:23:23

You can't make him be a good dad.

He's been a very crap father so far. You can't change that. It's up to him.

Leave him to it. Stop enabling him.

winkywinkola Sun 27-Mar-16 10:24:31

You are a very strong woman. Sounds like you've really pulled yourself out of a dark place when he had an affair.

That in itself is amazing work.

tomatoplantproject Sun 27-Mar-16 10:31:10

You need to let him see the full consequences of his decision. He is the one that walked out and you are the one who is struggling on day in day out.

Why on earth make life easy for him?

Bambino1234 Sun 27-Mar-16 10:33:01

I am not hoping for a reunion.

I am hoping that my children will bare as few scars as possible from his selfishness.

I am hoping that they aren't jaded by my opinions and are able to have as much opportunity to make them for themselves without a bitter mother in the sidelines.

Mostly I am hoping that won't feel rejection but as my daughter is already questioning his lack of time for her I guess this is already in a way happening.

I know I can't change him.
I am aware though that he might see it fit to blame me for his lack of input in their lives and I want it to be very evident that I never stopped trying to aid and facilitate. X

Mishaps Sun 27-Mar-16 10:37:45

"If I were good enough!" - what the hell does that mean?

- You are good enough to suppress your hurt and anger for the sake of your child.
- You are good enough to understand your child's confusion and support her intelligently.

You are a blooming saint! Cut out the guilt - it is wholly inappropriate.

Your DD's refusal to go to him is not your fault - it is his. If he sees her so seldom, she is bound to prefer the security of the person who is by her side and has given her all the happiness that she enjoys - that's you by the way! You are more than good enough!

Bambino1234 Sun 27-Mar-16 11:00:41

I think it has just shown me that you can't ever really know someone.
I found some old photos the other day and I just remember the excitement, the dreams and the long conversations about what our life as parents would be.
I don't recognise that man, he is definitely not that father now.

I just want the best for my children as we all do.
I am 26 and I know that I can fall in love and have it all again maybe but my children only get one mum and dad. They deserve the best and I am so angry and frustrated that he has options, he isn't denied access or tied into bitter battles. It's an easy win yet he still fails to play the game. He still fails.

Yesterday after eventually taking the children he sped off only to reverse around the corner stop the car and walk straight into my house.
asked me if I was okay, I don't look it and that he knows this is his fault.

I don't understand why he came back. If he knows it's his fault then rectify the relationship with my children. Accept your mistakes and be a better dad.

HeddaGarbled Sun 27-Mar-16 11:09:38

He hasn't "come round". The novelty and excitement of sex with another woman has worn off and now he wants to come back.

Bambino1234 Sun 27-Mar-16 11:44:56

Perhaps that is so. Perhaps he won't say.
But actions speak louder than words.
Being a better father to my children would be a good way to show he is sorry so that I can get on with my life without feeling like its my fault all the time.
They are wonderful children who up until recently I thought were unscathed by the split. Perhaps they do bare scars and I had just not noticed.

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