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How to stop obsessing over the past?

(11 Posts)
Teaandcakeat8 Sat 26-Mar-16 10:19:21

My ex dp and I split just before Christmas.

I'm 26 he's 28. We were together 18 months.

Main reasons were; although we got on well we were more like friends than lovers, we never had sex. I was never sure if I really fancied him and had always hoped that this part of the relationship would grow for me but it didn't. I kept putting off sex and he obviously stopped trying in the end. He's not bad looking, dresses well etc but I just couldn't make myself think of him in that way. I've not had this problem with previous boyfriends (only when I wasn't really into them).

Also, we spent a lot of time together in a small flat/working together and lost sight of the 'romance' part of our relationship. We were like a good team in all other areas of our lives!

My ex has no real ambition or drive, no friends in the city we live in and was happy to sit in every weekend watching TV. I felt like my life had shrunk since meeting him and always had to be the one making plans or suggestions.

He is now with another girl who I suspected he liked during the end of our relationship (she also works with us).

My problem is, I can't seem to stop thinking about the relationship.

On paper it should have worked for us; he is ok looking, we shared some hobbies, got on well. But I just never fell in love with him and I hate myself for not trying harder.

I start by questioning if I did the right thing by ending it. Then I blame myself for not trying harder to fancy my ex. Then I think about how it was for the first 3 months and not for the last 15. Then I know I'll never meet anyone else and start pining for any good thing we had. Then obsess over the new girl and how at 26 I can't compete with her fresh-faced 18 years!

It's like I don't want my ex back but I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone that measures up to the good points that he had?

I don't know how to break out of this cycle? It's worse at the weekends when I'm quiet. I've just bought a house so have been focussing on working on that but when I'm not busy I just slip back into this mindset.

How can I break out of it?

ijustwannadance Sat 26-Mar-16 10:31:02

You need to change your thinking to you are only 26 years old and thank fuck you are no longer stuck with a boring arse bloke and are free to find someone a bit more fun and sexy.
You can't force yourself to fancy someone you clearly aren't attracted to on any emotional or physical level.

You have plenty of time to find someone else. Just don't settle for someone who clearly isn't the right one for you.

Teaandcakeat8 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:00:12

I just can't help thinking, was he the right one (good enough) and did I just not see it at the time?

Or should I not be settling for good enough?

Teaandcakeat8 Sat 26-Mar-16 12:00:51

Although no sex life seems quite a dull way to live for the next 50 years or so...

BrandNewAndImproved Sat 26-Mar-16 12:02:33

Start looking forward to the future. Imagine spending the rest of your life stuck inside watching TV...

Fuck that find someone on the same wave length as you that you can have fun with. I'd hate to have a boring life like that, even my grandparents go out and enjoy themselves more then your ex does.

Badoodle Sat 26-Mar-16 12:04:52

'Good enough' at 26? Nah!

You're too young to settle with some boring bloke who sits in front of the telly all night and who, after a relatively short time together, you can't bear to have sex with. Honestly!

seasideview Sat 26-Mar-16 12:15:29

Crikey, of course you need to fancy your partner! I'm 46 and I fancy the pants off my DH. To me, he is the sexiest man alive and I can't get enough of him. Been with him 8 years and he still makes my belly flip. You really do need to meet the right person. From what you describe, he isn't that guy. One day you will meet a guy, trust me and it will hit you and you will think "Ah, that's what was missing with X"

Teaandcakeat8 Sat 26-Mar-16 13:41:53

Even though I don't think he is bad looking? I just couldn't make the connection between being ok looking and fancying him! He asked me to name five things I found attractive about him and I just couldn't... Other than superficial stuff like his haircut. That's not normal is it..?

I'm just beating myself up about this and it's been 3 months! I don't know why I can't move on.

Atenco Sun 27-Mar-16 02:13:27

Three months is no time after an 18 month relationship, everything takes its time. Why on earth would you settle for a sexless marriage to someone whose idea of a good time is to stay in watching television?

Allofaflumble Sun 27-Mar-16 11:37:16

I can really identify with your feelings OP. I think maybe it is because we just cannot accept that it really was not what we wished it would be.

A bit like trying to mould something into a work of art but with the wrong materials for the project. You keep thinking you should have been able to do it.

Also when they get straight into another relationship it arouses more emotions. Doubt and wondering why you couldn't make it with them when this new person can!

Added to that is the fear you will never find your true love. You have plenty of time on your side.

It is easy to focus on the good times but I bet you were miserable for ages before you made the break.

Let time pass. He was not right for you and never will be. Good luck.

pocketsaviour Sun 27-Mar-16 12:22:11

He's 28 and dating an 18 year old? Can you say desperate more clearly? hmm

With a short relationship like this, I'd suggest the best way to get over him is to get under someone else. Get back out there and find someone you actually want to have sex with!

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