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I want him out

(73 Posts)
sarah48999 Sat 26-Mar-16 08:29:24

I've been with my partner for nearly four years and 9 months ago we had a baby. The problem is my partner is like Jekyll and Hyde and it's got worse in the last 9 months. The relationship started off good, got increasingly crappy a while later where he became overly jealous and hated me going out. Then a year and abit ago it started to improve. At his worse he calls me all names under the sun, he picks on the things he knows will bother me .
He states I'm a bad mother to my children ( 1 from a previous relationship)
He accuses me of neglect of my child.
He's constantly stating I have mental health issues ( which is ironic because I work in mental health)
He slates my lifestyle, my family.
He states i have no friends.
Basically he will use any topic he knows will bother me.
I've been with him four years and he detested my old house which I rented so I set up home in a different area , getting myself on the property ladder alone. I then spent money on all the things he said I needed. I quit smoking , cut down on drinking alcohol and got a better job, all which he had moaned about. He remained living with his mum35 miles away but came down often.
At one point during our relationship things were going alright we talked about having a baby , as a result I came of coil on got pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy he was great but from day one of giving birth he was a nightmare. We planned to give birth near his neck of the woods to be closer to him because of work which meant me spending four weeks living with his mum. straight after giving birth the plan was to drive to my home where he'd be moving in, however straight after giving birth he made me go to his mums for five hour where his mum then cried on the doorstep because his mum was leaving home ( he's 35). We then has to make the journey countless times back to see his family.
I struggled with breastfeeding but he wasn't supportive stating if I couldn't do it I should stop, and later stating I was neglecting the baby by doing so as my milk was low.
He accused me of neglect numerous time.
He'd threaten to baby off me and give him to his mum who was more capable of looking after him.
I cook two main meals from scratch every night at different times because he doesn't like warming food up , I clean and ironed although often got behind . He now sends his clothes to his mums to be ironed because I don't iron them the way he likes. He states I do nothing. I've recently gone back to work full time and changed jobs during maternity leave. He's still screams that his time off is his time and he passes the baby back to me as soon as I give him too him. We now pay his mum to look after the baby 35 miles away it's not what I want because it's 35 miles away but I have no say My partner still works over there and travels 1 hour to get to work every day.
He's constantly sleeping at his mums and recently left me for week with the kids because he had a throat infection. Hardly any of his stuffs here.
He's constantly grumpy I feel uncomfortable around him in my own house and often sit upstairs
If I go out the following day he gets worse ,argues with me ,leaves me to look after the children, throws low blow comments
He's has a 1950s attitude to relationship and it drives me mad.
He works 5-6 days a week , he's a manager and speaks to me like one of his employees.
He'd constantly critiding me and my. Parenting ,he tells me his family don't like me .
In a nutshell i want him gone!
I've told him to go before and he's happily gone but after a few days he just lets himself back in ,sleeps and pretends nothing happened. He never apologises. He worms his way back in through the children by taking them out and playing more with them . He's always been great with my eldest.
I can't take anymore of his constant evil comments and insults and it would be so much easier to live alone .his do I keep him out for good ? Without getting any other people involved and with him still being able to see the kids?
Any advice would've appreciated sorry if this doesn't make sense I'm exhausted

Hissy Sat 26-Mar-16 08:33:11

Take his keys.

Tell him to go and stay gone.

You can do this. You must do this.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 26-Mar-16 08:34:36

When's he next at his mums, change the locks and leave his clothes outside.

Why do you try and change what he criticises you about, he's abusive, he'll always find something wrong.

As for cooking him fresh meals each night sod that, he's a grown man and if he can't bear heating up food for himself he can cook from scratch himself.

OurBlanche Sat 26-Mar-16 08:36:34

Pack his few bits, take his keys, change the locks anyway and get shot of him.

He really isn't bringing you any joy and, regardless of how he acts in the future, having him out of your home will make you happier.

Good luck.

whatiswrongwithyou Sat 26-Mar-16 08:40:36

As others have said, do it now, change the locks and don't back-track. If you continue living with this level of criticism and abuse you will eventually become so worn down that you won't have the energy to get rid of him.

Parrotmore Sat 26-Mar-16 08:52:35

Do it now Hun, he is very very abusive. His behaviour is making you feel like less of a person and you deserve so much more. Pack his stuff, leave it outside and change the locks, if you can stay away for the night with you DC so you are all away from the home when he finds out/ kicks off.

sarah48999 Sat 26-Mar-16 08:54:56

Thanks for the advice
However it gets tricky , when we have split up before after a couple of days he comes down to see the kids , he had to then be in my house for hours to see them , as he's nowhere else to go with them and by the time he gets back from work it's winding down time for them, we once did try where he took them out although that was to expensive for him. Which I can understand
Then I usually start to feel sorry for him , feed him and he slowly gets back in.
The other thing is his mum left her job, well retired to look after my baby whilst I'm in work . We pay her £100 for 4 days . She left work a while before I went back to work to get ready to look after my boy . If my partners not here my baby can't get to her and it would be too expensive for her to come down here twice a day . id want to put him in childcare round here but my partner screams that I made his mum loose her job for this . In the past he's slept in his car so he could take him to his mums , then I feel guilty and end up letting back in .

mix56 Sat 26-Mar-16 08:57:31

Your life, your kids, your house.
He brings you nothing.
Step one, find alternative child care
Step two, discover if you can get any extra finance as you live alone
Step three, change locks, tell him his belongings are in bin bags on doorstep & he can run home to mummy
Step four, finally enjoy your life

sarah48999 Sat 26-Mar-16 08:57:41

I can't figure out how to work the childcare situation on and keep everyone happy

MrsH1989 Sat 26-Mar-16 08:59:39

I am so shocked at what you have put up with. He is very abusive! I would get the locks changed next time he leaves the house and leave his stuff outside for him to collect.

Guiltypleasures001 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:01:47

Stop trying to make everyone happy they shouldn't even factor in your day today life. Make decisions that on,y effect you and the kids and the rest of them can get to fuck.

Change the locks claim through the CSM get earnings attachment, and get his shit out of there, how in hells name your ok with him carting baby off to his mums I don't know, and I seriously believe your not lovely.

Take back control, it is ok for your to do this you don't need anyone else's permission your a grown up, believe in yourself and work from that point thanks

wallywobbles Sat 26-Mar-16 09:02:39

Do as others have suggested and decide what you want in terms of access. Every other weekend and half the holidays is a minimum for a school age child - which is not the case for you.

Whatever you decide now think about how to make it work for you now and in the future. Do you want his mum to continue the child care. Or maybe every other week. Are there good nurseries near you and preschool? Can you afford to have him at nursery.

Take some time thinking what will work, find out what you have a right to in terms of money. But in the meantime just pack up his stuff and spend 10 minutes changing the locks. And do it today. It's Saturday. Easter is rebirth. Rebirth him out of your life.

Also do some work on yourself - work out why your self esteem is so low that you did everything that this tool told you to. Freedom program online is a good place to start.

Why does he do that? is also an interesting read. Read up on manipulative people.

MrsH1989 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:02:46

HE made his mum lose her job. Not YOU! Whilst she is offering cheap childcare you paying with your freedom.

Steamgirl Sat 26-Mar-16 09:04:09

He's a manchild. You do have a say in your life. Stop relying on his mother for child care and make your own arrangements - she enables and supports his behaviour. As others have said change the locks and remove his things. Never cook for him again. You sound lovely and caring about the relationship your children have with him - they can see him in due course when he starts behaving better but it might be a good idea to wait until he's got the message and that he is not going to wheedle his way back into YOUR home.

fuzzywuzzy Sat 26-Mar-16 09:04:42

Find childcare for your children.

Don't let him have contact with the children in your house, it's confusing for the children and he has access to all your stuff.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He doesn't care about you or his children.

You are not responsible for his mother retiring. She is.

timelytess Sat 26-Mar-16 09:05:19

Stop making excuses. You want him out, get him out. As the Yogi

littleleftie Sat 26-Mar-16 09:13:50

You change the locks and leave his stuff out.

He can have access to the kids but NOT at your house - where he takes them is his problem, not yours. If he can only take them to the park for an hour then that's fine isn't it?

His mum is not your problem. If he screams you hang up.

The sleeping in his car shite rings bells - did you post about this wankbadger before?

RandomMess Sat 26-Mar-16 09:21:54

His Mum giving up her job is not your and problem. He could drive her down and take her back if that is what they want to do. After all he's been driving the baby up to her each day etc hasn't he it's the same just in reverse.

Ultimately it's not your problem you need to work, you need reliable childcare and you may actually get assistance via CTC if you are using registered childcare on your earnings as a single parent.

Do not let him in your home ever again - he has abused your good nature far too many times. He will have to sort out having contact with his DC outside of your home.

Pannacott Sat 26-Mar-16 09:25:36

If you carry on using his mother for childcare then she could have a legal right to contact to your baby when you split. You could end up sharing residency with your DP, and with her, so you'd see your baby less. You should be worried about this. Stop using her for childcare ASAP.

You are trying to find an easy solution, but there isn't one unfortunately. To protect yourself and your kids you are going to need to make some tough decisions. Read some more of the longer threads about leaving abusive situations. He is not going to be reasonable, so you need to stop being reasonable. This means that you do have to 'stoop down to his level'. Good luck.

Looly71 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:28:04

He's never really left home has he? Definitely change the locks. Unfortunately his mum might be disadvantaged by losing money but that cannot override your need to get him out of your life. He can start paying her rent which should offset her loss.
But you must focus on what's right for you and your children.

sarah48999 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:29:35

its really easy to do when angry and keep to my word but I can't stay angry all of the time and I end up letting my guard down.
The one thing that's gets me is id hate to be the man in the relationship following a split up with children involved as they don't get to see there kids as much as they'd like to and if that was done to me I'd go insane .

Nope I've never posted ? Is the post similar ? It night be useful for me to read

sarah48999 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:31:58

Oh I've just read the post about his mother may be allowed to have partial custody if I continue to use her for childcare . That would be hell , thanks for the advice

Waltermittythesequel Sat 26-Mar-16 09:32:58

His mother is a big part of this problem and is an adult who made that decision. Her choice, not your responsibility.

Why are you feeling sorry for someone who treats you like that?

Sorry out childcare that suits you and that's local to you.

It doesn't have to be expensive to take the kids out and if it is, he can budget for it.

Chocolatteaddict1 Sat 26-Mar-16 09:34:15

Please listen to the advice on here. He got you do down you think you need him and his family. You don't.

His DM is not your problem. The fact he wants to see your other kids is not your problem. He is horrible and a bully and you actually need to protect your kids from the arsehole.

Waltermittythesequel Sat 26-Mar-16 09:34:26

He keeps fucking off to his mummy instead of staying with his kids. Doesn't sound like it would bother him as much as you think.

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